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helen55
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What's your most favorite joke?? post #1  quote:



We all have them, I'll tell mine if you all tell yours!

Old Post 06-26-2003 09:36 AM
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Marc Flemming
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post #2  quote:

Too many favorites - but to get this going, here's a joke I came across yesterday:

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!

She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"


Old Post 06-26-2003 05:17 PM
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helen55
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post #3  quote:

Very clever, an arm and a leg LOLOL A good one.

This is old but someone might have missed it or forgotten it by now. I was into hunting so this really made my day:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"


Old Post 06-26-2003 07:36 PM
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post #4  quote:

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age. It isn't polite," the mother warns.

"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.


"My mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are...you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"

The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorced."

"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?"

To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."


Old Post 06-27-2003 05:57 PM
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bitwiz44
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Cool post #5  quote:

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and the officer walked up to the car.
The female police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license," and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer, too, we could have avoided all this hassle."


Old Post 06-29-2003 02:20 PM
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Cool Your a hick if.. post #6  quote:

1) You can name everyone you graduated with
2) You know what 4-H is
3) You went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the
middle of a dirt road
4) You used to lap "Main"
5) You scheduled parties around the schedule of
different police officers, since you know which
ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't.
6) It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring
town
7) The whole school went to the same party after
graduation
8) You don't give directions by street names only by
references. (Turn by Nelson's house, go to 2 blocks
east to Anderson's, and it's four houses left of
the track field)
9) The golf course has only 9 holes
10) You couldn't help but date a friend's ex
boyfriend/girlfriend
11) Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads and
you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason
12) The town next to you is considered "trashy" or
snooty", but is actually just like your town.
13) You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1940 as
the "rich people"
14) The people in the "big city" dress funny, then you
pick up the trend 2 years later
15) Anyone you want can be found at the pool hall or the
local bar
16) You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor
through town or one of your friends drove
grain trucks to school occasionally
17) The gym teacher suggested you bale hay for the
summer to get stronger
18) Directions are given using THE stop light as a
reference
19) You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5
people pull over and ask you if you want a ride
somewhere
20) Your teachers called you by your older sibling's
names
21) Your teachers remembered when they taught your
parents
22) You can write checks at THE local store without any ID
23) The closest mall is over an hour away
24) It is normal to see an old man riding through town
on a riding lawn mower.
25) You've peed in a cornfield.
26) Most people go by a nickname, bubba, cooter, Etc.


Old Post 06-29-2003 02:30 PM
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Cool Mo' post #7  quote:

1. Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes, and 4,998 live in Illinios.
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Illinois, plus a couple that nobody has seen before.
4. Squirrels will eat anything.
5. Unknown critters love to dig holes under tomato plants.
6. Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.
7. If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
8. A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.
9. Onced and Twiced are words.
10. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
11. Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
12. People actually grow and eat okra.
13. "Fixinto" is one word.
14. There ain't no such thing as "lunch." There's "dinner" and then there's "supper."
15. Sweet tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two.
16. "Backards and forwards" means, "I know everything about you."
17. "Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
18. You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.
19. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

and som mo....
1. You measure distance in minutes.
2. You've ever had to switch from heat to air conditioning in the same day.
3. You see a car running in a store parking lot with no one in it no matter what time of the year.
4. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.
5. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
6. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
7. You carry jumper cables in your car ... for your OWN car.
8. You know what "cow tipping" is.
9. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete and catsup.
10. The local papers cover national and international news on one page and six pages for local gossip and sports.
11. Your think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
12. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."
13. You know all four seasons: almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
14. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "Goin' wal-martin" or "Off to ' Wally World'."
15. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.
16. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop...it's a Coke,
17. Fried Catfish is the other white meat.


Old Post 06-29-2003 02:40 PM
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Cool Electronic Doctors at Wal-mart post #8  quote:

WALMART URINALYSIS.


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a heck of a lot cheaper than a real doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to Walmart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.


Last edited by bitwiz44 on 06-29-2003 at 02:49 PM |
Old Post 06-29-2003 02:46 PM
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bitwiz44
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Cool post #9  quote:

HOW WELL DOES COLD WATER CLEAN?
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Texas.
After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal."
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes so he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore!"
Later that afternoon, as he was on his way out to get the paper, the dog started to growl and would not let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out.

" Without" diverting his attention from the football game his Grandfather was watching, he shouted, "Coldwater, move!


Old Post 06-29-2003 02:57 PM
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Cool actual AP headline post #10  quote:

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. Then she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She had initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde


Old Post 06-29-2003 03:08 PM
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Cool post #11  quote:

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her.

She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was
all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and "she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.


Old Post 06-29-2003 03:15 PM
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post #12  quote:

One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice -

"Jesus is watching you!"

He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again.

"Jesus is watching you!"

He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?"

The parrot answers "Yes I did."

So the burglar says , "What's your name?"

The parrot says "Clarence." The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?"

The parrot laughs and says, "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "


Old Post 07-02-2003 07:27 PM
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post #13  quote:

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four year old son standing at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought to himself, "Great. He's four and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"


Old Post 07-02-2003 07:28 PM
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post #14  quote:

For Irish Beer Drinkers:

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's me husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an awful accident down at the Guiness brewery..."

"Oh, God, no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda,... Your husband, Shamus... he's dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda,... He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned,"

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must be tellin me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, ... no Brenda ... no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."


Old Post 07-02-2003 07:31 PM
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Jennifer8079
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post #15  quote:

A judge hears of a case where three ducks were arrested. He wonders why so he goes on with the hearing.

The first duck comes in and the judge asks, "So what did you do?"

The first duck said, "Well I was blowing bubbles in the park."

The judge says, "That's it? This is nonsense, you're free to go."

The second duck comes in and the judge asks him, "What did you do?"

The second duck says, "I was only blowing bubbles in the park."

The judge thinks this is a joke and sends the duck to go free.

The third duck comes in and the judge says, "Were you blowing bubbles in the park too?"

The third duck nods and the judge told him to get out of here.

Then another duck comes in saying he just got arrested.

"Who are you?" Asks the judge.

"Bubbles."


Old Post 07-04-2003 07:09 AM
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post #16  quote:

A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, "All Lawyers are
AS*HOLES!"

A man at the front of the bar stands up and says "Hey! I
resent that!"

So the first man asks, "Why are you a lawyer?"

"NO! I'm an as*hole!"


________________________________________

Josh was helping Sally (a blonde) clean out the trunk of her car.
Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside. Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for. She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit." Josh said, "I can see that but why?"

Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."


________________________________________

Hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?
He sold his soul to........ SANTA!


Old Post 07-04-2003 08:20 AM
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Cool post #17  quote:

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some "rectal deodorant". The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectal deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist.
"YES!", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a common stick of underarm deodorant." Really annoyed now, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container:
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."


Old Post 07-04-2003 03:12 PM
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helen55
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post #18  quote:

every joke

Old Post 07-06-2003 06:54 PM
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Cool Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home! post #19  quote:

A Florida man was found dead in his home over the
weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his
bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and corn
flakes. and A banana was sticking out of his a$$.

Police suspect a cereal killer


Old Post 07-08-2003 05:02 PM
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Cool post #20  quote:

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another
Male........Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner
Male........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male........A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up having sex.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.........A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes


Old Post 07-08-2003 05:08 PM
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helen55
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post #21  quote:

Bit you never fail to crack me up
Dammit I cannot remember any jokes, I end up laughing so hard when I hear a good one that the lack of oxygen wipes out my short term memory


Old Post 07-08-2003 07:05 PM
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Cool Warn As Many People As You Can!!! post #22  quote:

If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it
IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It
reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 900 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

And if thats not bad enough...

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.

It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU
LISTENING??

It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.

If the "Bedtimes" message is opened in a Windows XP
environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your
mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your Skim milk with whole milk.

******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *******

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds,
you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you. Send to everyone. ....if you are a blonde, this is a joke...


Old Post 07-09-2003 03:43 AM
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bitwiz44
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Cool A DETECTIVE STORY post #23  quote:

Three elderly ladies are excited about their first Yankees baseball game. They have smuggled a bottle of Jack Daniels into the game. The game is real exciting...... and they are enjoying themselves drinking Jack Daniels mixed with soft drinks.

Soon they realize that the bottle of Jack Daniels is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.

Using the clues given, what inning is the game in and what is the status of the game?

Think!



Think some more!



You're gonna love it ........



And the Answer is:

It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded!


Old Post 07-09-2003 04:00 AM
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jojoagain
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post #24  quote:

That was so funny Bitwiz, I love it.

Old Post 07-09-2003 05:17 AM
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Marc Flemming
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post #25  quote:

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."


Old Post 07-09-2003 05:24 AM
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jojoagain
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post #26  quote:

5 kinds of sex:

The first kind of sex is smurf sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet somebody and you have sex until you are blue in the face.

The second kind of sex is kitchen sex. This is when you have been with your partner a short time and you are so horney you will have sex anyplace, even in the kitchen.

The third kind of sex is bedroom sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time and the sex is routine, you usually have it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind of sex is Hallway sex. This is when you have been with your partner too long and when you pass each other in the hall you both say "fu** you"

This fifth kind of sex is courtroom sex. This is when you can't stand your wife anymore and she takes you to court and screws you in front of everybody.


Old Post 07-09-2003 05:24 AM
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jerell's grl
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post #27  quote:

ones upon a time there was a littlle boy.one day the little boy was watching t.v and sudenly he heard his parents room shakinG the little boy whent up stairs and said "mommy daddy what are you doin"? SO HIS MOM SAIS "NOTHIN HUNNY GO DOWEN STAIRS AND WATCH T.V '' SO THE LITTLE BOY GOES DOWEN AND WATCHES T.V. SUDDENLY HE HEARD THE BATHROOM SHAKING HE WHENT TO SEE WHAT WAS GOIN ON HE SAID"MOMMY DADDY WHAT ARE YOU DOIN" NOTHIN HUNNY GO WATCH T.V ' SO HE WENT DOWEN AND WATCHED T.V. THEN SUDDENLY HE HEARD THE CAR SHAKING. HE WENT TO SEE WAS GOIN ON . HE SAID "MOMMY DADDY WHAT ARE YOU DOIN " NOTHIN HUNNY GO WATCH T.V. SO HE DID. THE NEXT DAY HE WHEN TO SCHOOL A HURICANE CAME AND HIS TEACHER SAID "WHY ARNT YOU UNDER YOUR DESK"? SO HE SAID TO HIS TEACHER "OH DONT WORRY ITS JUST MY MOMMY AND DADDY HAVEING SEX?

Old Post 07-09-2003 05:40 AM
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helen55
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post #28  quote:

quote:
Originally posted by jojoagain
5 kinds of sex:


Old Post 07-10-2003 11:38 PM
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post #29  quote:

A young women was told the terrible news that her 95 year old grandfather had passed away , still very upset she decides to visit her grandmother and console her, when she gets thier she asks how he died to which her grandmother replied "he died while we were having sex on the sunday morning" " but surly having sex when you are 95 is just asking for trouble" the girl replies to whivh her grandmother answers "oh no we always did it on a sunday motning in time with the church bells in with the dings and out with the dongs" just then the grandmother gets very weepy and says "if it hadnt been for that ice cream van he would still be alive today.

A man geta a phone call from the local paper to tell him his wife has won a holiday in Spain, very excited they rush to the office to collect thier prize whivh is when the editor breaks the news that the holiday is only for one reluctant;y the man tells his wife to go, on the second night away the wife phones home to see how its going "not to good" says the man "the cats dead" "you idiot the women replies youv'e ruined the holiday for me you should have dragged it out day by day you know say the cat is stuck on the roof on day one and say he fell off on day two and tell he died on the last day" "oh im sorry says the man just try to forget about it and enjoy the rest of your holiday" A few days later the women again phones home to see how things are going "well" says the man "your mothers stuck on the roof"

Tiger woods is palying in a golf tournament in Ireland and after a hard days practice goes back to his hotel for break, on the way to his hotel he needs petrol so he pulls into a garge and as he gets out two tees fall from his pocket onto the drivers seat, the attendent comes out and starts to fill the car with petrol while he does that he is asking tiger all sorts of questions about the mercedes "whats that thing on the keyring thier Mr Woods" "oh thats to lock the car when Im far away from it" "and whats that next to the indiator switch" "oh thats to turn up the CD player without touching it" "and whats that thing youve got your phone on" "oh thats a hands free kit I can talk without picking up the phone" the attendant is amazed with it all then he sees the two golf tees Tiger dropped on the drivers seat "excuse me Mr woods what are those two things on the seat for" "oh ther for resting my balls on" The attendant is amazed and says "geez those boys at mercedes have thought or everything"


Old Post 07-14-2003 04:04 AM
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bitwiz44
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Cool Doggone Airlines... post #30  quote:

Man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to take off when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the empty seats alongside.

The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking
quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he is a sniffing dog,
the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy." The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in ossession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab
sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."

"I like it!" says the first man.

A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a
supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?"

The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!



Old Post 07-14-2003 04:26 PM
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