THE WHITE CITY CHEATS MAN!!! by Ulwarth the Goblin
Man!!
We had them. It was all nailed up. Nothing stood in our way.
Those chumps in the White City was on their last legs, the wall was breached, we had orcs inside the city, the Nazgul was flying around picking up men and dropping them all over the place. We even launched some heads up and over the higher walls to psych out the enemy. The White City's steward did a flaming dive bomb off this huge ledge and fell about two hundred feet before crunching into the stone below.
Things were going sweet.
It got a little dicey when the men from Gondor showed up, they ran their force down into the plain, and slammed into our ranks with their horses, it could have gone either way there for awhile, but then the Giant Oliphaunts attacked and made short work of them Gondor weenies. It was pretty much wrapped up.
I was looking forward to some sweet meats, we had been given nothing but maggoty bread for 3 stinking days.
When up shows Mister Ranger soon to be King dude with an army of ghosts. That's right, ghosts.
Now who can fight a ghost? No one mortal, I can assure you. They ran straight up all over us, put down the whole army in a few minutes, took out the Oliphants, cruised up into the city and made short work of our guys up there.
It was a damn massacre is what it was. And pure outright thuggery on the White City's part. Bunch of low down dirty rotten cheaters is what I say.
Them ghosts looked like a swarm of green clouds, you couldn't fight the dead, they wasn't even really there. The metaphysics of it still confuse me, but the esoteric view suggests that the universe is nothing more than energy in a specific relationship and at a specific vibrational frequency. Well, when my sword ran into that green ghost bastards innards, the blade passed through him, because his vibrational frequency was in a different relationship from mine.
Pure buggery if you ask me.
We had them, stone cold had them. And they cheated like that.
I got slammed in the head with the side of this one ghosts sword, a sword I might add, that was a cheat in itself, in that it could not be stopped by my blade, but could sure enough express enough vibrational stability to knock me off my feet. Whatever.
I lay there for 3 hours, among the stinking dead. When I awoke, my head felt like an Ogre had camped on it for a spell, and the Witch King was dead. Some chick had taken him out. I would have found this amusing, if not for the circumstances, he always was an ***. I didn't mind seeing him go if you must know the truth.
I started humping it back to Mordor, I was tired, dirty and a little out of sorts. The whole thing just pissed me off. What other brand of Deux Ex Machina was the White City going to pull out of it's hat to save the day?
I didn't know, and I didn't care. It was just a bunch of crap.
So, I finally get most of the way back to Mordor, and almost to the gate, and I spies me an Army down there. It's the White Wizard and his motley crew and they are at the Gate. I couldn't believe my eyes. They had a lot of guff to show up like that, made me wonder what they had going on that we didn't know about.
I sat on a grayish rock and scanned the scene, and just waited. I was too tired to join the battle, and frankly a little scared. These guys didn't play fair, and I knew something was up.
So then the gates open and out marches the Army of Mordor. Man we was looking fine!!! We must have had 10,000 orcs march out and surround the White Wizard and his crew. There for a moment, I thought it might go our way, I was actually starting to pep up a little.
But then, out of nowhere, Mount Dooms blows up, the all seeing eye of Sauron that sat atop the Black Tower crumbles to the ground, and the earth opens up and eats the ENTIRE FREGGIN ORC ARMY.
Thats right. You heard me. The earth opened up and ate the whole stinking army. It was all over just like that. And to rub the salt even deeper in the wound, the earth spared the White Wizard's army. Just decided it wasn't going to swallow them up.
IT WAS BOGUS MAN!!! BOGUS!!!
It aint even close to fair. How do you fight the ground? You can't. It's impossible. What, am I going to stick it with my sword and make it stop swallowing me? It just wasn't right man.
I sat on my rock and looked, just utterly disgusted. I don't think I have ever been so mad. At least the White Wizard and his Army were stuck on the land mass that escaped the earths giant sinkholes. But AGAIN, it went THEIR way, and in come some giant eagles, swoop down, scoop up some folks and deposit them on solid ground.
The whole thing just made me sick. I had to get out of there.
It was all over, and for what? Nothing, absolutely nothing. My retirement plan was shot, I had no future to speak of. I would have to earn bread by digging ditches for the rest of my days, doing grunt work and the like. All my buds were dead and were currently food for the birds. The White had won, Sauron and our dreams of world domination defeated.
It just sucked. I aint fighting in no more wars, let me tell you. Never again. They don't tell you NOTHING in the recruiters office. Nothing at all. Not a single word about having to fight Wizards lights, and green ghosts and exploding volcano's and sinkholes.
No sir, all you get is a speech about all the meat you will get to eat, the villages you can burn, the comradely you will develop with you fellow goblin and fellow Orc. They fill your mind with the idea of all kinds of war spoils, riches, and delusions of power. But it's all a crock of crappola my friend, just a bunch of junk talk.
If I had it to do over again, I'd join up with the White City and fight for them, cause they CHEAT, they cheat like they freggin own this place.
That's what I told Special Agent Utah on the beach, as the waves from the 50 year storm pounded the sand like a war hammer.
I could see by the look in his eyes that he knew I wasn't coming back.
I was the modern savage, a spiritual surfer, free as the wind, and a cage was no place for me.
My final moment of life would be with the ocean, not a Federal prison cell.
These first waves were colossal, bigger than I had ever seen, but the BIG BANGER was out there beyond these, rolling in like a fat bully.
It would be in the next set, I could feel it. I had felt it my whole life.
I headed out. My board cut into the water like an oiled fish. The sea was alive with the energy from the storm, somehow it knew that this was something different, and played in it's glory.
The wave crests sparkled like white diamonds, the water was a frothing bluish green, mixed with power. My lungs filled with cold air as I made it out past the big breakers, I could feel every atom of it as it filled my chest.
And then there it was. Like a rude awakening. It took the whole horizon, monstrous, massive, a silent black wall. It was wondrous Bro, like seeing death itself.
I smiled. I couldn't help it. Hell, I started laughing. It was surreal, like God had put himself into a wave and drove his essence along the sea.
I took one fleeting look back to the beach, and saw Australian Law Dogs, standing there useless and frustrated. Johnny Utah would understand this, but they would not.
Then it was on me. A mountain of water that blocked the light, I looked up as I started to ride the swell, and there was no sky anymore, nothing but black water and weight.
"Man I wish Roach was here to see this!" I screamed at the Big Banger. The true Big Banger, the one that would put an end to the spark of galactic dust known as BODHI. But Roach had seen it, had he not, as he bleed to death inside the plane? I think he did Amigo.
I didn't have to think about how to move, I just moved. I surrendered to it. My feet did their trick, the board did it's work, gravity and inertia did the rest. I rode that wave, a wave made by God's own breath, I rode it like a lightning bolt rides a cloud, the cold wind in my hair a loving caress, the board beneath one with my body, the waves power and mass cresting onto me, my heart pounding with joy as I rode liked a crazed Silver Surfer towards the end and into Oblivion.
I am so very pumped up right now and it's going to be the best chance to advance my career,
I will be captain before too long and I can not wait because I am star-fleet material for sure, always have been,
and I think that Kirk see's it,
because I was chosen for an away mission,
and I'm getting ready for it now,
I have my phaser and my tricorder and my fanny pack and my bulky communicator, and I have been to Starfleet Academy and they trained us good,
like how not to split up from the main group,
and how to watch out for salt sucking shapeshifters,
and how not to try to phaser any moving talking Rocks,
and if a guy shows up in a 17th century costume and talks all funny, and stands by a mirror, not to mess with him because he is a malevolent being,
about how to avoid time travel and if involved with a time travel, don't mess with nobody cause you could cause a disturbance in the space-time continuum,
about how to not mess with any good looking alien chicks, we leave that for the Captain,
and I'm very excited to go on this mission, because Kirk and McCoy and Spock are all going and one other guy with a red shirt like me,
we are going to beam down to the planet, and I can't wait to do my first away mission,
it is going to put my Starfleet career on the fast track,
I am going to prove myself to Captain Kirk,
and show him I am officer material.
Well, I have to go now, personal log out. Stardate 306431616949516blahblahblah61691354.8
Epilog: Captains Log:
Lt. Buff Henderson died on the surface, killed by the M-5, a beligerant floating space probe launched by Nasa in the late 20th century. Also, it had melded with a starship attacking robot created by Dr. Daestrom, who had unwisely put some of his own brain synapsis onto the circuits. It was a DAMN shame, and no one saw it coming. ---Kirk out.
The dark side of the force sucks. I'm kind of sorry I ever got mixed up with it. All the anger, the lying, the hatred. It seems to warm a soul at first, takes away the pain of life and overcomes the fears and anxiety's this old turd of a galaxy has to offer.
That's how it is at first, a power rush, an answered prayer. As a young Sith Lord, I became more and more powerful in the ways of the Dark Side, and I thought it would never end.
How full of it I was!!!
It was first explained to me as an energy field created by all living things, that surrounds us, and binds the galaxy together. I was cool with that. Sounded like New Age religion, and I could have cared less really, all I wanted was the aggression, and malevolence and the raw power that went with it.
Later, after much study, I find out all it really is, is low level organisms called midi-chlorians. Talk about a let down. It was like I was infected with something, rather than tuning into something. But by then, it was too late for me.
My path was chosen. A Sith Lord I was, and a Sith Lord I would remain.
Oh how I wish I had sought help in those days, just gave it all up and went to therapy, got some counseling, maybe some Lexipro or Xanax. It would have done me a world of good you know, if I could have just ended it all right there, before I took over the Galactic Senate and deceived Annie into killing all the Jedi.
Oh to have turned it all around, to have met a girl, maybe start a family. How sweet it would have been. I liked to play the guitar you know, had a knack for it. But I never pursued it, because I was too full of Hate and Fear and Anxiety.
And what would it have looked like for the Emperor of the Galaxy to play on the guitar like that, like some backwoods hillbilly on a banjo. I had to give up my dreams you see, and I paid the price. It hurts. A mental hurt to be sure, but just as painful as a broken leg or a laser blast to the gut.
When the end finally came, it was not a surprise. Young Skywalker and a band of rebel scum landed on the small moon of Endor and were trying to take out my Shield Generator. The audacity of the plan!!! I had to admire the courage of it on some level.
I can't believe it worked. I had an entire legion of my best troops protecting it. I sat on my cool *** throne, the one that swiveled, and was planning to watch the destruction of the Rebel Fleet from my oversized Death Star window.
Skywalker turned himself in, and was brought before me.
Of course I had for-seen that the son of Skywalker could be my undoing. But the future is always in motion, as Yoda would say, and I tried to make something else out of it. My little green friend wasn't always correct with his statements. I could still pull this cluster-mess out of the fire.
To tell the truth, I should have just flat out killed the boy when I had the chance, instead of trying to turn him to the dark side. But you must understand, I could feel the HATE flowing through him. His aggressive feelings. I fed off them, like a wookie on hemp.
He was ready to turn, like his father before him, I just knew it. Plus, I was so wrapped up in my own power and malevolence that I really didn't care anymore. I just wanted something to happen, anything. The years of wielding the Dark side had taken it's toll. I was losing myself, turning into something I didn't want to be.
I was cruel, and snappy, my fun loving side a thing of the past. I used to take long walks in parks, I smelled the flowers, I beheld the birds and the clouds and saw beauty in the world. When was the last time I had done something like that?
When was the last time I had brushed my teeth, or showered? I couldn't even remember.
So, sadly, I let them fight it out with light sabers, I thought that Lord Vader would lose, and my new apprentice, my younger apprentice, would take his fathers place by my side.
I was wrong.
The fight went as expected, till at the very end, when young Skywalker failed to finish the job. He looked down on his beaten father, and threw away his saber, and told me he was a jedi, like his father before.
I was quite pissed to tell the truth. Overcome with anger. I mumbled something like, "So be it, Jedi", then hit him with my force power.
All kinds of crazy electrical **** flew out my hands and started to electrocute the boy. And what fun it was!!!
I'd used the trick before, of course, several times. An unnatural art to be sure, but it creates quite a show, let me assure you.
"Young fool" I said. "Only now, at the end, do you understand."
I said it with cruelty, and it was some cold *** stuff to say, I know, but I was zoning, all wrapped up in the moment, lost in the power of the dark side.
I kept shocking the living fire out of young skywalker, just for fun.
I stopped a moment for a recharge, then said, "And now young Skywalker, you WILL die."
Then I give it to him good you see. BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Blue whitish light flying all over the place. He was wriggling around the floor like a little worm, begging for his daddy to help him.
Thats when I got blindsided. Lord Vader took me up and tossed me into the main reactor core. I was so into the force power move, that I couldn't just turn it off. I was shocking myself there at the end, and Lord Vader and all points in between.
That **** was painful. I dont' think I ever felt so much pain. And it all came flooding back, all the evil deeds over the years, taking out Mace Windu, ordering the destruction of all Jedi, the assassination of my old master, the deceptions, the wars I created, the Death Star blowing up planets,
it all hit home in that moment as I fell, and man was it harsh, knowing all the crazy stuff I had done over the years, all the pain and suffering I had caused.
I fell like what felt forever till I hit the core, then I exploded into infinity screaming the whole way like a little girl. Not a very dignified way to go out. Nope.
But that's what the Dark Side has to offer, a life of pain and hardship, cruelty and a bitter disappointing end.
I think if I was in a position to help others, I would feel better about myself, and have more self esteem, and not be such a bully. The Dark Side was very overwhelming and enticing, but I would council young folks to stay away from it.
It's nothing but a life of cruel hatred and gummy black teeth, a life of being infected with dark side force organisms, a life of addictive vengeance, suffering, self pity. And I hope that the young people of the galaxy do not take the path I took, that they will learn from my mistakes.
(I went off the beaten path here and used something strange.)
Never let a bald man make shampoo- by Beaker
One lonely night again in the lab with my inept boss Dr. Bunson Honeydew. I was forced to take the job, due to my speech problem. I have the I.Q. of 165, but sadly when I speak, it only comes out as "meep", but I digress. Dr. Honeydew decided to try an experiment for self-rinsing shampoo. Having no hair himself, he was obsessed with the idea of hair care products.
"Beaker, go get the rocket fuel and add it to the mixture." said Dr. Honeydew
"meep! meep meep meeep!" I replied, but he was oblivious to the flaw in his plan.
I put the rocket fuel into the shampoo, and he placed it on my head. A burning feeling spread through my entire head. My hair was burning.
"MEEEP MEEEP ME ME MEE ME MEEEEEEEEEEP!" I cried, which, I must confess, I never normally use such language, but the pain was unbearable and cursing filled my mind and flowed from my tongue.
"Beaker stop runing around! You are ruining the suds!" cried Dr. Honeydew, the twit that he was.
Sadly, it took three months to grow back my hair. Workers Compensation is refusing to cover my claim as well. I blame that on trying to use a massage therapist, but once again I digress. Now it will not do anything but stick up like a troll doll. How I hate my boss.
Banished from my evil body, I was forced to exist in the most horrible circumstances. Fortune smiled upon me the day that Stuttering Professor Quirrell crossed my path. Being of dull wit, he was quickly overcome by my evil genius. Soon I was under the turban and living on the back of his head.
Months passed at Hogwarts. The turban was hot and smelly. How I wished for a wand, and hands, to find a way to stop Quirrell from his incessant stumbling over the simplest things, but my evil genius mind was bent on stealing the sorcerer's stone. Ah the elixir of life, and who deserved it more than me? I Lord Voldemort the most powerful wizard of all times.
My few fond moments were when we went into the forest. Quirrell would slay innocent unicorns so that I might suck their blood. Having had an obsession, a closet one, with sucking things , I found this most enjoyable. If only Quirrell was not there stammering "Do you need sa sa sah salt with that m m mah master?" all the time.
At last we came to the area where the stone was kept. We passed all the enchantments that protected it, except one. Then I came face to face with the boy who robbed me of immortality. I was shocked to see that he was small and wore glasses. I had expected a God like visage much like myself when I had a body , but sadly he was merely a skinny little kid. Quirrell was no more able to force the Potter brat to reveal what he saw in the Mirror of Erised than he would be able to get rid of girl scouts intent on selling their sweet cookies, not that I er ever buy any, no. That would be too muggle like. Anyway, I revealed myself just in time to the potter boy. The turban stank of sweat , and I felt I would suffocate soon. How could the boy not desire power or the ability to rule the world? He was a sick little twisted money for not wanting what I had and will have again! Sadly, once again, I got my butt kicked by a kid. How could it be? I blame Quirrell, and killed him soon after. I was forced to flee for the time being. BUT someday, I will get Harry Potter, and HE will be at my mercy and someday, wizards will make their own cookies equal or superior to those dratted girl scout ones.
Whidden said this in post #6 : I am so pumped!
[IMG]http://www.inreview.com/attachment.php?s=&postid=604705[/IMG] by Lt. Buff Henderson
I am so very pumped up right now and it's going to be the best chance to advance my career,
I will be captain before too long and I can not wait because I am star-fleet material for sure, always have been,
and I think that Kirk see's it,
because I was chosen for an away mission,
and I'm getting ready for it now,
I have my phaser and my tricorder and my fanny pack and my bulky communicator, and I have been to Starfleet Academy and they trained us good,
like how not to split up from the main group,
and how to watch out for salt sucking shapeshifters,
and how not to try to phaser any moving talking Rocks,
and if a guy shows up in a 17th century costume and talks all funny, and stands by a mirror, not to mess with him because he is a malevolent being,
about how to avoid time travel and if involved with a time travel, don't mess with nobody cause you could cause a disturbance in the space-time continuum,
about how to not mess with any good looking alien chicks, we leave that for the Captain,
and I'm very excited to go on this mission, because Kirk and McCoy and Spock are all going and one other guy with a red shirt like me,
we are going to beam down to the planet, and I can't wait to do my first away mission,
it is going to put my Starfleet career on the fast track,
I am going to prove myself to Captain Kirk,
and show him I am officer material.
Well, I have to go now, personal log out. Stardate 306431616949516blahblahblah61691354.8
Epilog: Captains Log:
Lt. Buff Henderson died on the surface, killed by the M-5, a beligerant floating space probe launched by Nasa in the late 20th century. Also, it had melded with a starship attacking robot created by Dr. Daestrom, who had unwisely put some of his own brain synapsis onto the circuits. It was a DAMN shame, and no one saw it coming. ---Kirk out.
"Man is a marvelous curiosity ... he thinks he is the Creator's pet ... he even believes the Creator loves him; has a passion for him; sits up nights to admire him; yes and watch over him and keep him out of trouble. He prays to him and thinks He listens. Isn't it a quaint idea." Mark Twain
Whidden said this in post #7 : I got smoked.
[IMG]http://www.inreview.com/attachment.php?s=&postid=604787[/IMG]
by Darth Sidious
...
When was the last time I had brushed my teeth, or showered? I couldn't even remember.
...
Then I give it to him good you see. BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Blue whitish light flying all over the place. He was wriggling around the floor like a little worm, begging for his daddy to help him.
...
I fell like what felt forever till I hit the core, then I exploded into infinity screaming the whole way like a little girl. Not a very dignified way to go out. Nope.
...
It's nothing but a life of cruel hatred and gummy black teeth, a life of being infected with dark side force organisms, a life of addictive vengeance, suffering, self pity. And I hope that the young people of the galaxy do not take the path I took, that they will learn from my mistakes.
This one was hilarious. The other ones too. Whid, you are a crazy-ass creative man dude!
Fuscia, your stories are good, but they don't match up to Whid. Funny stuff, but Whid has set the standards quite high.
M.
"Every positive integer is one of Ramanujan's personal friends."—J. E. Littlewood.
it is with great sadness that I write you this letter of reprimand.
I see no point in glossing things over, or putting spin on an already ugly situation. If I may be perfectly blunt, Your command of Stalag 13 had been riddled with incompetence.
My staff has just completed a 3 month review of the camp, and found several oddities that need addressing. First, and foremost, there were over 110 Allied Prisoner escapes in that 3 months. Which is quite disturbing, considering that you brag to anyone you meet, that "there has never been an escape from Stalag 13!"
Unbelievable.
Your ineptness does not stop there, however, as several bugs were found in the camp, the most prominent in a picture of the Fuehrer hanging on your office wall. The prisoners were listening to you at will, with a coffee pot receiver in Col. Hogans' bunk. It turns out the very microphone in the picture of Herr Fuehrer was an actual listening device.
You would think that would be enough.
However, it seems that on several occasions, prisoners would make trips into Berlin, via a tunnel which exited out of a old stump outside the main fence. And on one occasion you actually danced with one of them in Berlin, a Sgt. Carter, who was dressed in female disguise, while a French prisoner, Cpl. Louis LeBeau watched on in disgust.
Your actions have caused embarrassment to the Nazi party, and brought disgrace to the men and woman of the German army.
Thus, I have no choice, but you reassign you to the Russian Front. I do not take this action lightly, and have discussed it with the Gestapo.
Major Hochstetter wanted you shot, but after much discussion, we thought the Russian Front to be the best course of action.
I wish you well in your new command, and hope that there are no hard feelings.
With kind regards,
General der Infantrie Albert Burkhalter, Hail Herr Fuehrer!!!
it is with great sadness that I write you this letter of reprimand.
I see no point in glossing things over, or putting spin on an already ugly situation. If I may be perfectly blunt, Your command of Stalag 13 had been riddled with incompetence.
My staff has just completed a 3 month review of the camp, and found several oddities that need addressing. First, and foremost, there were over 110 Allied Prisoner escapes in that 3 months. Which is quite disturbing, considering that you brag to anyone you meet, that "there has never been an escape from Stalag 13!"
Unbelievable.
Your ineptness does not stop there, however, as several bugs were found in the camp, the most prominent in a picture of the furor hanging on your office wall. The prisoners were listening to you at will, with a coffee pot receiver in Col. Hogans' bunk. It turns out the very microphone in the picture of Der Furor, was an actual listening device.
But it doesn't stop there.
It seems that on several occasions, prisoners would make trips into Berlin, via a tunnel which exited out of a old stump outside the main fence. And on one occasion you actually danced with one of them in Berlin, a Sgt. Carter, who was dressed in female disguise, while a French prisoner, Cpl. Louis LeBeau watched on in disgust.
Your actions have caused embarrassment to the Nazi party, and brought disgrace to the men and woman of the German army.
Thus, I have no choice, but you reassign you to the Russian Front. I do not take this action lightly, and have discussed it with the Gestapo.
Major Hochstetter wanted you shot, but after much discussion, we thought the Russian Front to be the best course of action.
I wish you well in your new command, and hope that there are no hard feelings.
With kind regards,
General der Infantrie Albert Burkhalter, Hail der Furor!!!
Dude, it is funny, but furor means something else. What you were trying to say is "Herr Fuehrer".
M.
"Every positive integer is one of Ramanujan's personal friends."—J. E. Littlewood.
07-30-2005 11:16 PM
