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schmiggens
Outrageous

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Random Jokes post #1  quote:



Shane Warne's team-mates were perplexed one morning to see Shane walk into the change rooms with a pair of women's panties on his arm. Somewhat used to Shane's tendencies, they let it go and went about getting ready.

The day wore on; Shane bowled a few overs and the batsman came and went with a puzzled expression on their faces but no one dared ask about the panties.

Finally, Ricky Ponting walked up to Shane between overs and gently whispered to him. "Er Shane," he said, "We've come to expect many unusual things from you, but we're a bit worried that you seem to be wearing a pair of women's panties on your arm. Please tell me this doesn't mean more trouble."

"Oh no," Shane grinned. "It's a Patch. I'm trying to quit."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OOOPS!


A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.

He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! "

Then he got a little panicky.? I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE... during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in uni, perhaps he did father her child! He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in uni and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's grade 2 teacher!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT


Old Post 07-21-2005 07:06 AM
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schmiggens
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post #2  quote:

The phone rang. The lady of the house answered, "Yes?"

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs.Ward, this is Dr. Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, either way, the news..." he hesitated, "it is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked.

"Well, one Mr. Ward tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

?Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't have sex with him."


Old Post 07-21-2005 07:40 AM
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gaboman
What Would Jack Do?

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post #3  quote:

quote:
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT

Puh-leaze, they mean "insecure women who need a boost"

That last one is awesome


Old Post 07-21-2005 07:55 AM
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brochu13
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post #4  quote:

hahaha, that last one is great.

Old Post 07-21-2005 08:56 PM
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schmiggens
Outrageous

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post #5  quote:

Equality?

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah," I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway, I've put on a couple of pounds myself," she giggled.

So I told her to get lost and I hung up.


Old Post 07-22-2005 09:44 AM
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schmiggens
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post #6  quote:

50% Less Accidents With New Seat Belt Design



Old Post 07-22-2005 09:48 AM
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Dekka00
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post #7  quote:

ahahhaha that's good stuff that thur

Old Post 07-22-2005 04:04 PM
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brochu13
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post #8  quote:

quote:
schmiggens said this in post #5 :
Equality?

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah," I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway, I've put on a couple of pounds myself," she giggled.

So I told her to get lost and I hung up.

hhaha....sad but true for the most part.


Old Post 07-22-2005 08:02 PM
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schmiggens
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post #9  quote:

Motherhood

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now" "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now, though" mum confides.

"Oh so sad dear," says the other.

"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21."

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born."

"He's a martyr, too," says mum quietly.

"Oh gracious me .," says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18," she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically. "I remember when he first started school."

"He's a martyr, also" says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"


Old Post 07-25-2005 09:48 AM
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Dekka00
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post #10  quote:

that's wrong




but funny


Old Post 07-25-2005 04:22 PM
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brochu13
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post #11  quote:

That's pretty offensive, but funny.

Old Post 07-25-2005 09:29 PM
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schmiggens
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post #12  quote:

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose".

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his *ahem*. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother".


Old Post 07-28-2005 07:55 AM
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Dekka00
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post #13  quote:

OH MAN AHHAHAHA

his own brother

f'd up yo


Old Post 07-28-2005 03:55 PM
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schmiggens
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Posts: 18698

post #14  quote:

A man goes into a sex shop to buy an inflatable doll.
"Would you like male or female?" asks the assistant.
"Female, please."
"Would you like Black, or White?"
"Black, please"
"Would you like a Christian or Muslim?"
This question confused the man. "What has
religion got to do with it? he asks.
"Well," explained the assistant,
"The Muslim one blows itself up..."


Old Post 08-03-2005 09:58 AM
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Dekka00
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post #15  quote:

ahahahahhaha

Old Post 08-03-2005 11:41 AM
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becker
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post #16  quote:



Old Post 08-03-2005 04:06 PM
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schmiggens
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post #17  quote:

Some of these are the same or similar to others posted, but I am posting them all. I can't be bother to edit all the wierd alignment. I did take all the >> in it though.

Never try to outsmart a woman!

------------------------------------------------

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his
money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he
died, he said to his wife, "When I die. I want you to take all my
money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the
afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he
died, she would put all of the money in the casket with 0-98him. Well,
he died. He was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting
there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they
finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close
the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with
her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the
undertakers locked the casket down, and the rolled it away. So her
friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that
money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen,
I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was
going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me
you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?
"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

------------------------------------------------

Women Are Smarter Than Men
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles
decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar,
he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an
ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two,
my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman
went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother!
------------------------------------------------

Understanding Women (A Man's Perspective) I know I'm not going to
understand women. I'll never understand how you
can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair
out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

------------------------------------------------

Wife Vs Husband
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,
goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
------------------------------------------------

Words
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to
be because we have to repeat everything to men. The husband then
turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

------------------------------------------------

Stupid And Beautiful
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me
to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God
made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

------------------------------------------------

The Beast
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was
losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring
out the beast in me." So what?" his wife shot back. "Who's afraid of a
mouse?"


------------------------------------------------
Coffee
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get
up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe
that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says....
"HEBREWS"


Old Post 08-05-2005 09:47 AM
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schmiggens
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post #18  quote:

Potentially

A boy asks his father, "Dad. What's the difference between
potentially and realistically?"

His father says "Go and ask your mother, sister and brother this
simple question .... Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for one million
dollars? Then come back and tell me your findings."

So off he goes. He asks the question of his mother first. "Mum, Would
you sleep with Brad Pitt for one million dollars?" She replies "My
word I would. We could pay off the house and buy a new car. Just
think of all the nice things we could buy ... "

He asks his sister the question next. "Hey Sis, Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for one million dollars?" She replies with "Of course I
would!! He's an absolute babe!! Oh my god, he's sooooo gorgeous!!"

The boy goes off in search of his brother, and asks him the question.
"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for one million dollars?" His brother
replies with "Well ....... A million dollars is a lot of money. Ummmm
..... Yeah, I suppose I would. I could buy a lot with a million dollars."

The son returns to his father and says "Okay Dad, I now know the
difference between potentially and realistically. Potentially we are
sitting on $3 million bucks .... Realistically, we are living with
two sluts and a poofter."


Old Post 08-05-2005 09:48 AM
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becker
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post #19  quote:

All of them were very funny, and I enjoyed the humour.

Old Post 08-05-2005 05:05 PM
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schmiggens
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Posts: 18698

post #20  quote:

An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him
looking for work in six weeks."

A British doctor says: "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we
can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have
them both looking for work in two weeks."

A Zimbabwean doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind,
we just took a man with no brain - made him President, and now the whole
country is looking for work.


Old Post 08-12-2005 04:44 AM
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