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esskay
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Everyone's favorite: Blonde Jokes! post #1  quote:



A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store,
slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed
her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked, "What's the problem?
Wouldn't your cat eat them?" The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that '***** Treats' are for cats?"
==================================================
=
When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the
day after her operation, she asked him somewhat
hesitantly just how long it would be before she could
resume her sex life.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the
stunned surgeon. "You're the first one ever to ask
that after a tonsillectomy."
==================================================
=
The blonde is walking down the street with her blouse
open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman
approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could
cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is exposed."
"Oh my God", says the blond. "I left the baby on the
bus!"
==================================================

A police officer arrives at an accident scene where
apparently three blondes have leaped to their death
from a very tall building. He suddenly notices that
one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks,
"Why did you three beautiful girls leap out of that
building?"
The blond answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to
try out our new maxi-pads, with wings..."
==================================================
==
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first
blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says,
"Where?"


Old Post 01-07-2004 11:10 PM
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esskay
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post #2  quote:

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift check for $500. At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box. The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a giant
breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five dollars for?" "Well," said the blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked
him what to give you. He said, "Screw him. Give him five bucks. ................. the breakfast was my idea!"


Old Post 01-08-2004 12:52 AM
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Pulse
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post #3  quote:

Q. What do you call two blondes in the freezer?

A. Frosted Flakes

Q. What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair red?

A. Artificial Intelligence

Q. What do you call three blondes standing side-by-side?

A. A wind tunnel


Old Post 01-13-2004 07:50 AM
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schmiggens
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post #4  quote:

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1.The bartender is a blonde girl.
2.The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3.I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4.The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.0
5.The lady to your right is a blonde and a professional wrestler."

"Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


Old Post 03-18-2004 02:06 AM
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chodder
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post #5  quote:

Q: What do you call 24 blondes in a box?

A: A case of empties


Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: What?s a light bulb?


Q: A blonde and a brunette are thrown off a building. Who lands first?

A: The brunette, because the blonde has to ask for directions


Old Post 03-18-2004 02:18 AM
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schmiggens
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post #6  quote:

A Blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits.
She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray...
"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. she again prays...
God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays...
"My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I havealways been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed ! by the Voice of God Himself... Sweetheart, work with me on this... Buy a ticket


Old Post 03-18-2004 02:30 AM
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schmiggens
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Nine Degrees of Blonde post #7  quote:

ONE
~~~~
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

TWO
~~~~
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THREE
~~~~
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOUR
~~~~
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIVE
~~~~
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"

SIX
~~~~
A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to
the left and there was ...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

SEVEN
~~~~
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarised. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

EIGHT
~~~~
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7AM." Signed, "The Blonde." She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

NINE
~~~~
On a flight to London a blonde sits in first class but she only has an economy ticket. All the stewardesses ask her to move back to economy but she refuses stating that "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm flying to London and I'm not moving", eventually they are forced to tell the pilot. The Pilot goes to the Blonde and politely asks her to move back to economy. The Blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm flying to London and I'm not moving." The Co-Pilot has heard this and tells the stewardess and pilot not to worry as he has a blonde wife and knows how to deal with these situations. He goes to first class and whispers in her ear, she apologises , picks up her handbag and moves back to
economy. When they ask how he did it he replies "I just told her that this part of the plane doesn't go to London"


Old Post 03-18-2004 02:43 AM
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schmiggens
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post #8  quote:

Floral Arrangements

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The red head says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air"

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"


Old Post 03-18-2004 02:45 AM
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schmiggens
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post #9  quote:

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman: - I would like to buy a pink curtain for my computer screen. The surprised salesman replies: - But, madam, computers do not have curtains.... And the blonde said: - Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Old Post 03-18-2004 02:45 AM
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adityamahesh
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post #10  quote:

Bad reception

A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?"
The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."

The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."

The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t sell to blondes."

She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"
"Because that is not a TV, it''s a microwave."


Old Post 03-21-2004 03:16 AM
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adityamahesh
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post #11  quote:

A Blonde's Brain At Work

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."


Old Post 03-21-2004 03:17 AM
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adityamahesh
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post #12  quote:

A Flaky Blonde

One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.

''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried.

''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''


Old Post 03-21-2004 03:17 AM
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adityamahesh
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post #13  quote:

All-Time Favorite Blonde Hijinx!

How do you keep a blonde busy? (see below)
How do you keep a blonde busy? (see above)


Old Post 03-21-2004 03:18 AM
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adityamahesh
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post #14  quote:

Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"


Old Post 03-21-2004 03:18 AM
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adityamahesh
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post #15  quote:

Another Dumb Blonde

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''


Old Post 03-21-2004 03:19 AM
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adityamahesh
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post #16  quote:

Bad Blondes, Whatcha Gonna Do?

A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.
"Yes," says the blonde.

"Are their lights on?"

The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."


Old Post 03-21-2004 03:20 AM
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adityamahesh
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post #17  quote:

Blond Father

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"


Old Post 03-21-2004 03:21 AM
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esskay
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post #18  quote:

Okay, so this blonde decides she's going to move across country to California. She packs her bags, loads up the car and hits the road. She drives thousands of miles, barely stopping for gas, food and sleep. As she crossed through Nevada, she finally came to a road sign reading "CALIFORNIA LEFT". Greatly disappointed, she turned around and drove back home.

---

Another one like the police one from earlier is two blondes driving in a convertible where the driver asks the passenger to lean out and see if the her turn signals are working, "okay, it's working! oh it's not.. it's working! oh it's not.. it's working! oh it's not.. it's working! oh it's not.."

---

Q: How do you kill a blonde?

A: put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the swimming pool.

---

Q: How do you know a blonde has been using your computer?

A: White-out on the monitor screen.


Old Post 03-21-2004 09:22 PM
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chodder
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post #19  quote:

How does a blonde kill a fish?

She drowns it


Old Post 03-21-2004 09:30 PM
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schmiggens
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post #20  quote:

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The red head says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air"

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"


Old Post 04-06-2004 07:16 AM
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adityamahesh
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post #21  quote:

quote:
schmiggens said this in post #8 :
Floral Arrangements

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The red head says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air"

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"


You already posted this one in the above post Schmiggens.


Old Post 04-06-2004 07:20 AM
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schmiggens
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post #22  quote:

Damn it, I get them all emailed to me and I thought I hadn't posted it.



Old Post 04-06-2004 07:30 AM
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becker
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post #23  quote:

A ticked off blonde colored her hair brown and drove to the country.
She saw a large sheep farm on her right. She stopped the car.
The sheepherder approached.
The brown haired blonde said.."Mr. Sheepman, if I guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"
"Sure."
She whipped out her laptop and punched several numbers.
Mr. Sheepman, you have 467 sheeps."
The man was in awe.."You're right."
"Pick your sheep."
She did and left.
The next day the man rapped on her door, She opened it.
The man said, "I bet you're blonde."
"Why?"
"I came to get my dog back."


Old Post 04-06-2004 02:37 PM
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schmiggens
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post #24  quote:

3 blonde convicts.

Three female convicts -- a brunette, a redhead and a blonde -- escaped from a maximum-security prison one night. They dashed through the woods toward freedom, but the barking dogs of the prison guards steadily grew closer.

Finally, one of the convicts said to the others, "Quick, we've got to hide in the tree branches." So each climbed up a different tree.

The dogs and the guards holding them approached the base of the tree where the brunette was hiding. The brunette, in the top of the tree, thought quickly, opened her mouth and went, "Whoo! Whoo!" One guard said, "It's just an owl; let's move on."

The dogs led the guards to the tree where the redhead was hiding 20 feet up. The redhead went, "Caw! Caw!" The guard said, "It's just a crow; let's move on."

The dogs led the guards to the tree where the blonde was hiding up in the branches. The blonde thought for a moment, and then went, "Mooo!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two blondes in heaven.

Two blondes were waiting at the Pearly Gates and struck up a conversation. First blonde says "How did you die?"

Second says "I froze to death".

First blonde says "Must have been awful."

Second blonde says "How did you die?"

First blonde says "I had a heart attack, I knew my husband was being unfaithful so I came home unexpectedly one day and rushed to the bedroom and found my husband alone reading. I rushed to the basement and nobody was hiding there, I rushed to the attic and still no one, and after all that rushing around I had a heart attack and died."

Second blonde says, "If only you'd looked in the freezer we'd both still be alive."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Blonde gone fishing.

This blonde really wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly from the sky a voice boomed, "There are no fish under the ice!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!".

The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. T

he voice came once more, even louder: "There are no fish under the ice!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "No, this is the rink manager!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Blonde & brunette.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender..

Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."

Bartender:"What is a B and C?".

Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."

Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."

Bartender: "What's a G and T?"

Redhead: "Gin and tonic."

Blonde: "I'll have a 15."

Bartender: "What's a 15?"

Blonde: "7 and 7"


Old Post 07-21-2004 07:27 AM
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becker
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post #25  quote:



Funny stuff.....


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Pulse
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post #26  quote:

I liked the second one. That one was good

Old Post 07-22-2004 02:07 AM
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MrJukoVette
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post #27  quote:

How do you know if another blonde used the same computer?

There is writing on top of the white-out.


Old Post 08-01-2004 07:12 PM
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Flutterbywingz
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post #28  quote:

what do you call a smart blonde?


A golden retriever!


Old Post 08-24-2004 04:55 PM
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becker
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post #29  quote:

Every blond I know is so much wiser than me.


I think I will let my bleached blond hair revert to its natural color.



Old Post 08-24-2004 05:20 PM
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Flutterbywingz
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post #30  quote:

I have many smart friends with blonde hair too.

But, come on, blonde jokes are funny!


Old Post 08-25-2004 12:14 AM
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