If I found out who cancelled this show I swear I'll kick their [I'll post the rest of this in the flaming ward at some point]
Peter: I'm looking for toilet training book... Book Store Guy: "Everybody Poops But You" is still the standard one, we also have the less popular "Nobody Poops But You." Peter: See were catholic so uhhh? Book Store Guy: Oh then you want "You're A Naughty Child and Thats Nothing But Pure Concentrated Evil Coming Out The Back End Of You."
Stewie: It's not that I want her dead... it's just I don't want her alive.
Peter: I see your bum Stewie: Oh great why don't you take a picture you pervert so I'll have something to bring to court!
Lady: You smell nice Peter: Well, oh, oh, that must be you Lady: No, it couldn't be me; I just farted Peter: Oh...
Peter: I want the father-son relationship that the Gumbles have Lois: The Gumbles are brothers Peter: Oh so just because they're black we cant learn anything from them?
Quagmire: In the 80's I was always in bed by 8.......... and home by 11! Oh!
Doctor: Peter, good News! You don't have cancer. That lump in your breast is a Fatty Carbucle Peter: How can a dead actor from the 40's be in my breast? Doctor: Peter, I'm telling you you're fine Peter: What are you coming on to me now? Lois: Peter, he's telling you you're not gonna die Doctor: Can't it be both?
Lois: Peter, what have you ever done creative? Peter: I wrote Bondfire of the Vanities! Lois: No you didn't! Peter: .......You win this round Lois....
Quagmire: [To an Asian reporter I've never been with a Spanish chick before.... olay!
Man: Hey, nice melons! Peter: Hey you! Lois: Peter I'm holding melons. Peter: Oh... Man: Your hooters aren't bad either! Peter: Hey, man! Lois: Peter, I'm holding owls. Peter: Okay, sorry... Man: No problem
[Pause] Man: Your wife's hot!
Smurf Dialogue
- Hey'd you have fun at the party last night?
- Yeah, smurftacular!
- Hey, I saw you leave with Smurfette...
- Yeah, right when we get out of the bar, she starts smurfin' me.
- No way!!, right in the smurfin' parking lot?!
- Smurf yeah!!!
- Oh, that's freakin' smurf... that is freakin' smurf!!
[Family's watching TV - two girls nearly naked interacting on a lawn] Woman 1: Boy that lotion sure feels good Woman 2: Sure is hot! Woman 1: And it just got hotter! Here, now let me do you [as woman 2 takes top off]
[they laugh, camera moves to some beer] Voice Over Narrator: Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.
Lois: Uch, typical male fantasy. Women drinking beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial! Peter: Of course a man made it Lois, it's a commercial! Not a delicious thanksgiving dinner.
Lois: Peter, maybe it's time for Stewie to be potty trained. Peter: Gee, isn't he a little young. You know what happened to the Lindburg baby.
[Flashback] Wife: Charles, are you sure about this? Charles: Honey, will you relax, it's fine, I flew across the Atlantic, I'm a national treasure... [baby gets sucked down the toilet]... OH MY GOD... ok, ok... he was, he was kidnapped. You call the police, I'll write the ransom note. Wife: But Charles, what about Amelia? She saw everything.
[Amelia Earhart stands nearby] Charles: You leave her to me.
[TV Commercial] Doctor: Mrs. Lipstein I'm afraid I have some bad news, the tumor is malignant. I'm afraid you only have 6 months to live. Mrs. Lipstein: Oh My God!
[pause] Narrator: Got Milk?
[Advertisement] Voice: What would you do for a Klondike bar? Would you stand on one leg? Guy: Ok! Voice: Would you act like a monkey? Guy: Sure! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Voice: W- Would you kill a man? Guy: Uh.... well.... [Gunshot]
Lois: Sweetie, its broccoli Its good for you now open up for the airplane... Stewie: Never! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright Brothers! Lois: my arent we fussy tonight, ok no broccoli
very well then... [Lois shoves broccoli in stewies mouth Stewie: [spits it out] Who the the hell do you think you are? Lois: honey its not gonna go away just because you dont like it Stewie: Well then my goal becomes clear... THE BROCCOLI MUST DIE
[Doesn't want to tell someone his name] Peter: My name is uhhhhhh (sees a plate with a pea on it) pea (looks at someone crying) tear (sees a griffin flying accross the room) Griffin. Peter Griffin........ OH CRAP
Peter: Its so creepy in here! (Howling Noise) Cleveland: What was that? Peter: It sounded like a wolf! Quagmire: Oh, it's just Michael Winslow from police academy.
[Video on gun safety Man: Wait a minute, I thought guns were bad? Narrator: FALSE! Guns are good. Did you know Jesus and Moses used guns to conqure the Romans? MOV: Well, that's good Narrator: WARNING! Guns are extremly dangerous. Do not use, clean, own, or opperate guns at any time!
[ends] Peter: See Lois they're responsible!
[Game Show] Host: Forgetful Fred was so forgetful. Audience: HOW FORGETFUL WAS HE? Host: He was so forgetful, every time someone asked him a question, he drew a BLANK?
"I'm for it so we can put Nuclear power plants up there, and then beam the power back to earth on a laser beam." ~ Whidden
Peter: Yo, did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah, I was looking to break off a little somethin' somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.
"I'm for it so we can put Nuclear power plants up there, and then beam the power back to earth on a laser beam." ~ Whidden
Old Man: Ya like popsicles? Chris: Well, sure! Old Man: Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of popsicles....mmmmmmm! Chris: No thanks, I gotta get goin' Old Man: Aw, don't make me beg now. Chris: Hahaha, your funny, bye! Old Man: Get your fat ass back here!
Diane: Erica it's time for Mario's little confession. Mario: Erica, you know I love you, but I gotta come clean. I'm.. I'm not really a man, I'm a woman. Erica: Oh my Gad you're a woman! Mario: Well, actually I'm not really a woman, I'm a horse. Erica: Oh my Gad you're a horse! Mario: Actually i'm not really a horse I'm a broom Diane: ok ok... so how do you feel Erica: To be honest with you Diane, I'm surprised.
Lois: What's going on? Stewie: We're playing house. Lois: That boy is all tied up. Stewie: Roman Polanski's house.
Peter: I've been watching television so much the shows are starting to run together! Announcer: And now, Homicide: Life on Sesame Street! Bert: [Answering phone] Hello? Son of a *****. I'm on my way.
[Gets out of bed and gets dressed] Bert: Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's. Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert. Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the DAMN BED!!!!!! Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert.
Lois: Peter, what did you promise me? Peter: That I wouldn't drink at the party. Lois: And what did you do? Peter Griffin: Drank at the pa-- ...Whoa! I almost walked into that one!
Chris: Dad, I tried to go to school but a man won't let me. Peter: Oh yeah, him and what army?!? Chris: The U.S. army. Peter: Oh, that's a good army.
[Stewie on Kids Say the Darndest Things] Cosby: Stewie, now that's a funny name. It's like a stew only with a weeee at the end. [Audience Laughs] Stewie: Hmm. Cosby: Now I meant it's funny Stewie. See I used to have an uncle named Stewie and he used to sell bicylces. Stewie: Look, look, I'm sorry, aren't you supposed to be asking me a question. Cosby: Stewy, what do you think candy is made out of? Stewie: Sunshine and Farts, what the hell kinda question is that? Cosby: I love candy. When i was a little boy we used to play stickball! Stewie: [long pause] Oh no, I'll wait.... Oh are you finished? No it's my fault really. I was under the impression the name of the show was 'Kids Say the Darndest Things' not 'Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up'.
"I'm for it so we can put Nuclear power plants up there, and then beam the power back to earth on a laser beam." ~ Whidden
Peter: Oh yeah, Lois? Well if I'm a child than you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'm not going to stand here and take advice from a pervert.
[Flashback about Peter and Lois' lack of communication. Both looking out at a sunset]
Lois: Oh Peter, I love you.
Peter: Eh, about a quarter past five.
Peter: Hey, is the Count a vampire? Brian: What's that? Peter: Well he's got these big fangs. Have they ever shown him doin' somebody in and then feedin' on em? Brian: You're- you're asking me if they've ever done a Sesame Street in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance Peter: Yeah. Brian: No, they've never done that.
Quagmire: Hey there Gorgeous, how old are you? Connie: 16 Quagmire: 18? Connie: Mom! Quagmire: I Like where this is goin'
Lois: You should spend more time with our kids, Peter, and with me. Peter: Uh, what could me and you do together?
[Lois giggles] Peter: Lois! You've got a sick mind! Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love. Peter: Oh! I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.
"I'm for it so we can put Nuclear power plants up there, and then beam the power back to earth on a laser beam." ~ Whidden
Peter: Lois, our relationship can't be measured in nipples and dimes. ... Nickels and boobs ..... Money.
Brian: Peter, this is the final plague! Peter: Good, 'cause this is starting to get really old. Brian: Peter, the final plague is the death of the first-born son. Peter: Oh no, Stewie! Brian: The first born son. Peter: Meg! Brian: ...Your wife. Peter: Chris!
Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once. Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't.. nothing? Peter: Oh yeah.
Tricia Takanawa: I'm standing in the bedroom of Judy and Glen Issac: 10 years married and still in love. What's their secret? Judy has an inoperable brain tumor the size of my fist, and that just happens to be Glen's fetish.
Peter: Jeez, Lois, what are ya doing lying on the couch at this hour? Have you been drinking? Lois: Peter, you know I never drink. Peter: Oh, yeah? Just like you never dodge the draft? Lois: What are you talking about? I'm a woman! Peter: Sure you are... now...
"I'm for it so we can put Nuclear power plants up there, and then beam the power back to earth on a laser beam." ~ Whidden
Lois: If you kids don't knock it off we're not going to McDonalds after church. Chris and Meg: Mom! Peter: Don't worry, we're going. [Lois glares at Peter]... But you don't get the supersize. Chris: Ohh! Peter: Okay, you can supersize, but no apple pie. Meg: Oh come on! Peter: Ok, you get an apple pie, but you can't blow on it.
Peter: Don't worry, I got an idea. An idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.
Vacuum repair guy: There you go, it's all fixed. Turns out there was a half-eaten meatball clogging the intake. Peter: Well, did you save it? Vacuum repair guy: Uh... no. Peter: Bastard!
Stewie: Oh yes, I've often fantasized about what this house would be like with more culture.
[Brian, Peter, Stewie, and Chris sitting in living room wearing tuxes with top hats, each holding a glass of port] Stewie: The port is quite good. Brian: Yes, quite good. Chris: Indeed. Peter: Most certainly! Brian: What year is it? Chris: 51. Peter: Ah. Stewie: Delectable. Brian: Indeed. Chris: Yes.
[Peter bursts into flames] Peter: Oh dear. Brian: What is it? Peter: I've spontaneously combusted. Stewie: Well I am sorry. Peter: Oh it's quite alright, I've grown tired of living. Stewie: Ah, very good then. Chris: For the best. Brian: Yes, indeed. Stewie: Is it raining again?
"I'm for it so we can put Nuclear power plants up there, and then beam the power back to earth on a laser beam." ~ Whidden
Meg: These commercials are stupid. Lois: They certainly don't make me want a Minto. Brian: Totally ineffective. Peter: [gets up and walks off in a trance] Must... kill... Lincoln!
Peter: Oh, sorry, Meg. Daddy loves you, but daddy also loves Star Trek. And in all fairness, Star Trek was here first.
CHiPS on TV Woman: [flirty] What's the charge, officer? Ponch: Driving without my phone number. A truck marked "PURE UNCUT COCAINE" drives by, then a car with some guys shooting each other. Ponch: Or maybe I should arrest you for being too beautiful.
Peter on "Jeapardy" Alex Trebek: "For eight hundred dollars... this chemical dye is found in over ninety five percent of all cosmetic products" Peter quickly buzzes in Peter: Diarrhea. The audience laughs. Peter: What? Oh oh oh, sorry. What is diarrhea?
Commercial Daughter: Mom, have you ever had a problem with freshness? Mother: What do you mean honey? Daughter: You know, have you ever felt... not so fresh? Mother: I'm, I'm not sure what you're, I, I don't follow you. Daughter: Um... have you ever felt like you're, you know, dirty? Mother looks at her blankly Daughter: Down... there?" Mother: Oh. Oh! Oh, oh, oh oh oh God no.
"I'm for it so we can put Nuclear power plants up there, and then beam the power back to earth on a laser beam." ~ Whidden
Brian: Hola, me Ilamo es brian... Nosotros caramos ir condustedes... uhhhh... Mexican dude: Hey, that was pretty good, except when you said "me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es," just me llamo Brian. Brian: Oh, oh you speak english Mexican dude: No, just that first speech and this one explaining it. Brian: You... you're kidding me, right? Mexican dude: Que?
"I'm for it so we can put Nuclear power plants up there, and then beam the power back to earth on a laser beam." ~ Whidden
11-13-2003 07:31 AM
