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gaboman
What Would Jack Do?

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Family Guy Quotes post #1  quote:



If I found out who cancelled this show I swear I'll kick their [I'll post the rest of this in the flaming ward at some point]

Peter: I'm looking for toilet training book...
Book Store Guy: "Everybody Poops But You" is still the standard one, we also have the less popular "Nobody Poops But You."
Peter: See were catholic so uhhh?
Book Store Guy: Oh then you want "You're A Naughty Child and Thats Nothing But Pure Concentrated Evil Coming Out The Back End Of You."

Stewie: It's not that I want her dead... it's just I don't want her alive.

Peter: I see your bum
Stewie: Oh great why don't you take a picture you pervert so I'll have something to bring to court!

Lady: You smell nice
Peter: Well, oh, oh, that must be you
Lady: No, it couldn't be me; I just farted
Peter: Oh...

Peter: I want the father-son relationship that the Gumbles have
Lois: The Gumbles are brothers
Peter: Oh so just because they're black we cant learn anything from them?

Quagmire: In the 80's I was always in bed by 8.......... and home by 11! Oh!

Doctor: Peter, good News! You don't have cancer. That lump in your breast is a Fatty Carbucle
Peter: How can a dead actor from the 40's be in my breast?
Doctor: Peter, I'm telling you you're fine
Peter: What are you coming on to me now?
Lois: Peter, he's telling you you're not gonna die
Doctor: Can't it be both?

Lois: Peter, what have you ever done creative?
Peter: I wrote Bondfire of the Vanities!
Lois: No you didn't!
Peter: .......You win this round Lois....

Quagmire: [To an Asian reporter I've never been with a Spanish chick before.... olay!

Man: Hey, nice melons!
Peter: Hey you!
Lois: Peter I'm holding melons.
Peter: Oh...
Man: Your hooters aren't bad either!
Peter: Hey, man!
Lois: Peter, I'm holding owls.
Peter: Okay, sorry...
Man: No problem
[Pause]
Man: Your wife's hot!

Smurf Dialogue
- Hey'd you have fun at the party last night?
- Yeah, smurftacular!
- Hey, I saw you leave with Smurfette...
- Yeah, right when we get out of the bar, she starts smurfin' me.
- No way!!, right in the smurfin' parking lot?!
- Smurf yeah!!!
- Oh, that's freakin' smurf... that is freakin' smurf!!

[Family's watching TV - two girls nearly naked interacting on a lawn]
Woman 1: Boy that lotion sure feels good
Woman 2: Sure is hot!
Woman 1: And it just got hotter! Here, now let me do you [as woman 2 takes top off]
[they laugh, camera moves to some beer]
Voice Over Narrator: Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.

Lois: Uch, typical male fantasy. Women drinking beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial!
Peter: Of course a man made it Lois, it's a commercial! Not a delicious thanksgiving dinner.

Lois: Peter, maybe it's time for Stewie to be potty trained.
Peter: Gee, isn't he a little young. You know what happened to the Lindburg baby.
[Flashback]
Wife: Charles, are you sure about this?
Charles: Honey, will you relax, it's fine, I flew across the Atlantic, I'm a national treasure... [baby gets sucked down the toilet]... OH MY GOD... ok, ok... he was, he was kidnapped. You call the police, I'll write the ransom note.
Wife: But Charles, what about Amelia? She saw everything.
[Amelia Earhart stands nearby]
Charles: You leave her to me.

[TV Commercial]
Doctor: Mrs. Lipstein I'm afraid I have some bad news, the tumor is malignant. I'm afraid you only have 6 months to live.
Mrs. Lipstein: Oh My God!
[pause]
Narrator: Got Milk?

[Advertisement]
Voice: What would you do for a Klondike bar? Would you stand on one leg?
Guy: Ok!
Voice: Would you act like a monkey?
Guy: Sure! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Voice: W- Would you kill a man?
Guy: Uh.... well.... [Gunshot]

Lois: Sweetie, its broccoli Its good for you now open up for the airplane...
Stewie: Never! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright Brothers!
Lois: my arent we fussy tonight, ok no broccoli
very well then... [Lois shoves broccoli in stewies mouth
Stewie: [spits it out] Who the the hell do you think you are?
Lois: honey its not gonna go away just because you dont like it
Stewie: Well then my goal becomes clear... THE BROCCOLI MUST DIE


Old Post 11-13-2003 07:31 AM
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What Would Jack Do?

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post #2  quote:

[Doesn't want to tell someone his name]
Peter: My name is uhhhhhh (sees a plate with a pea on it) pea (looks at someone crying) tear (sees a griffin flying accross the room) Griffin. Peter Griffin........ OH CRAP

Peter: Its so creepy in here!
(Howling Noise)
Cleveland: What was that?
Peter: It sounded like a wolf!
Quagmire: Oh, it's just Michael Winslow from police academy.

[Video on gun safety
Man: Wait a minute, I thought guns were bad?
Narrator: FALSE! Guns are good. Did you know Jesus and Moses used guns to conqure the Romans?
MOV: Well, that's good
Narrator: WARNING! Guns are extremly dangerous. Do not use, clean, own, or opperate guns at any time!
[ends]
Peter: See Lois they're responsible!

[Game Show]
Host: Forgetful Fred was so forgetful.
Audience: HOW FORGETFUL WAS HE?
Host: He was so forgetful, every time someone asked him a question, he drew a BLANK?


Old Post 11-13-2003 08:10 AM
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What Would Jack Do?

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post #3  quote:

Peter: Yo, did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah, I was looking to break off a little somethin' somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.

Old Post 11-13-2003 08:19 AM
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What Would Jack Do?

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post #4  quote:

Old Man: Ya like popsicles?
Chris: Well, sure!
Old Man: Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of popsicles....mmmmmmm!
Chris: No thanks, I gotta get goin'
Old Man: Aw, don't make me beg now.
Chris: Hahaha, your funny, bye!
Old Man: Get your fat ass back here!

Diane: Erica it's time for Mario's little confession.
Mario: Erica, you know I love you, but I gotta come clean. I'm.. I'm not really a man, I'm a woman.
Erica: Oh my Gad you're a woman!
Mario: Well, actually I'm not really a woman, I'm a horse.
Erica: Oh my Gad you're a horse!
Mario: Actually i'm not really a horse I'm a broom
Diane: ok ok... so how do you feel
Erica: To be honest with you Diane, I'm surprised.

Lois: What's going on?
Stewie: We're playing house.
Lois: That boy is all tied up.
Stewie: Roman Polanski's house.

Peter: I've been watching television so much the shows are starting to run together!
Announcer: And now, Homicide: Life on Sesame Street!
Bert: [Answering phone] Hello? Son of a *****. I'm on my way.
[Gets out of bed and gets dressed]
Bert: Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.
Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the DAMN BED!!!!!!
Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert.

Lois: Peter, what did you promise me?
Peter: That I wouldn't drink at the party.
Lois: And what did you do?
Peter Griffin: Drank at the pa-- ...Whoa! I almost walked into that one!

Chris: Dad, I tried to go to school but a man won't let me.
Peter: Oh yeah, him and what army?!?
Chris: The U.S. army.
Peter: Oh, that's a good army.

[Stewie on Kids Say the Darndest Things]
Cosby: Stewie, now that's a funny name. It's like a stew only with a weeee at the end. [Audience Laughs]
Stewie: Hmm.
Cosby: Now I meant it's funny Stewie. See I used to have an uncle named Stewie and he used to sell bicylces.
Stewie: Look, look, I'm sorry, aren't you supposed to be asking me a question.
Cosby: Stewy, what do you think candy is made out of?
Stewie: Sunshine and Farts, what the hell kinda question is that?
Cosby: I love candy. When i was a little boy we used to play stickball!
Stewie: [long pause] Oh no, I'll wait.... Oh are you finished? No it's my fault really. I was under the impression the name of the show was 'Kids Say the Darndest Things' not 'Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up'.


Old Post 11-13-2003 08:34 AM
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What Would Jack Do?

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post #5  quote:

Peter: Oh yeah, Lois? Well if I'm a child than you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'm not going to stand here and take advice from a pervert.

[Flashback about Peter and Lois' lack of communication. Both looking out at a sunset]
Lois: Oh Peter, I love you.
Peter: Eh, about a quarter past five.

Peter: Hey, is the Count a vampire?
Brian: What's that?
Peter: Well he's got these big fangs. Have they ever shown him doin' somebody in and then feedin' on em?
Brian: You're- you're asking me if they've ever done a Sesame Street in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance
Peter: Yeah.
Brian: No, they've never done that.

Quagmire: Hey there Gorgeous, how old are you?
Connie: 16
Quagmire: 18?
Connie: Mom!
Quagmire: I Like where this is goin'

Lois: You should spend more time with our kids, Peter, and with me.
Peter: Uh, what could me and you do together?
[Lois giggles]
Peter: Lois! You've got a sick mind!
Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter: Oh! I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.


Old Post 11-13-2003 08:41 AM
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What Would Jack Do?

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post #6  quote:

Peter: Lois, our relationship can't be measured in nipples and dimes. ... Nickels and boobs ..... Money.

Brian: Peter, this is the final plague!
Peter: Good, 'cause this is starting to get really old.
Brian: Peter, the final plague is the death of the first-born son.
Peter: Oh no, Stewie!
Brian: The first born son.
Peter: Meg!
Brian: ...Your wife.
Peter: Chris!

Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't.. nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.

Tricia Takanawa: I'm standing in the bedroom of Judy and Glen Issac: 10 years married and still in love. What's their secret? Judy has an inoperable brain tumor the size of my fist, and that just happens to be Glen's fetish.

Peter: Jeez, Lois, what are ya doing lying on the couch at this hour? Have you been drinking?
Lois: Peter, you know I never drink.
Peter: Oh, yeah? Just like you never dodge the draft?
Lois: What are you talking about? I'm a woman!
Peter: Sure you are... now...


Old Post 11-13-2003 08:53 AM
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What Would Jack Do?

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post #7  quote:

Stewie: I love God. He's so deliciously evil.

Lois: If you kids don't knock it off we're not going to McDonalds after church.
Chris and Meg: Mom!
Peter: Don't worry, we're going. [Lois glares at Peter]... But you don't get the supersize.
Chris: Ohh!
Peter: Okay, you can supersize, but no apple pie.
Meg: Oh come on!
Peter: Ok, you get an apple pie, but you can't blow on it.

Peter: Don't worry, I got an idea. An idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.

Vacuum repair guy: There you go, it's all fixed. Turns out there was a half-eaten meatball clogging the intake.
Peter: Well, did you save it?
Vacuum repair guy: Uh... no.
Peter: Bastard!

Stewie: Oh yes, I've often fantasized about what this house would be like with more culture.
[Brian, Peter, Stewie, and Chris sitting in living room wearing tuxes with top hats, each holding a glass of port]
Stewie: The port is quite good.
Brian: Yes, quite good.
Chris: Indeed.
Peter: Most certainly!
Brian: What year is it?
Chris: 51.
Peter: Ah.
Stewie: Delectable.
Brian: Indeed.
Chris: Yes.
[Peter bursts into flames]
Peter: Oh dear.
Brian: What is it?
Peter: I've spontaneously combusted.
Stewie: Well I am sorry.
Peter: Oh it's quite alright, I've grown tired of living.
Stewie: Ah, very good then.
Chris: For the best.
Brian: Yes, indeed.
Stewie: Is it raining again?


Old Post 11-13-2003 09:09 AM
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What Would Jack Do?

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post #8  quote:

Meg: These commercials are stupid.
Lois: They certainly don't make me want a Minto.
Brian: Totally ineffective.
Peter: [gets up and walks off in a trance] Must... kill... Lincoln!

Peter: Oh, sorry, Meg. Daddy loves you, but daddy also loves Star Trek. And in all fairness, Star Trek was here first.

CHiPS on TV
Woman: [flirty] What's the charge, officer?
Ponch: Driving without my phone number.
A truck marked "PURE UNCUT COCAINE" drives by, then a car with some guys shooting each other.
Ponch: Or maybe I should arrest you for being too beautiful.

Peter on "Jeapardy"
Alex Trebek: "For eight hundred dollars... this chemical dye is found in over ninety five percent of all cosmetic products"
Peter quickly buzzes in
Peter: Diarrhea.
The audience laughs.
Peter: What? Oh oh oh, sorry. What is diarrhea?

Commercial
Daughter: Mom, have you ever had a problem with freshness?
Mother: What do you mean honey?
Daughter: You know, have you ever felt... not so fresh?
Mother: I'm, I'm not sure what you're, I, I don't follow you.
Daughter: Um... have you ever felt like you're, you know, dirty?
Mother looks at her blankly
Daughter: Down... there?"
Mother: Oh. Oh! Oh, oh, oh oh oh God no.


Old Post 11-19-2003 03:06 AM
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What Would Jack Do?

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post #9  quote:

Brian: Hola, me Ilamo es brian... Nosotros caramos ir condustedes... uhhhh...
Mexican dude: Hey, that was pretty good, except when you said "me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es," just me llamo Brian.
Brian: Oh, oh you speak english
Mexican dude: No, just that first speech and this one explaining it.
Brian: You... you're kidding me, right?
Mexican dude: Que?


Old Post 07-09-2004 06:30 AM
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