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auntgoldie
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post #61  quote:

24. You can't tell the difference from one blond-haired blue-eyed girl from the other.

25. There are more surfing stores than there are beaches.

26. If you don't have a great suntan then you're considered an albino.


Old Post 08-28-2003 06:04 PM
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helen55
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post #62  quote:

KJP and AG
absolutely priceless, only in CA


Old Post 08-28-2003 08:56 PM
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auntgoldie
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post #63  quote:

Pitiful but true!!

Old Post 08-28-2003 09:11 PM
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Gold Member
Delta
Stormy Weather

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Location: New Orleans, La.
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The Diagnosis post #64  quote:

Mr . Smith is waiting for the results of hi9s wifes blood tests.
The lab Technician finally comes into the waitiing room to speak with him.
The Lab Tech says" I am sorry Sir, but there has been a bit of a mixup and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs Smith were sent as well and we are uncertain which test results are your wifes. Frankly , its really either bad or terrible.

What do you mean?
Well one Mrs Smith has tested possitive for Alzheimer's and the other Mrs Smith has tested positive for AIDS. we can't tell which is your wife.
That's terrible! Can we do the test over?
Normallly yes. But you have an HMO , and they won't agree for these expensive teats more then once.

Well what am I suposed to do now?

The HMO Recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town......if she remembers her way home, don't sleep with her!!!!!!!!


Old Post 08-28-2003 09:24 PM
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bitwiz44
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Cool post #65  quote:

A well-known cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral, with many of his fellow MDs in attendance.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral -- I'm a gynecologist."


At that point, the proctologist fainted.


Old Post 08-31-2003 03:41 PM
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chelktty
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post #66  quote:

that was hilarious!

Old Post 09-09-2003 02:39 PM
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Diamond Member
Lawless
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post #67  quote:

LMAO

Oh man... toooooooooo funny! I think that I would have fainted too!


Old Post 09-09-2003 03:22 PM
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Lawless
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post #68  quote:

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner "Good
morning," said the young man.
"If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to
demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners. "Go away!"
said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the
door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least
seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure
onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces
of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the
remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damn good
appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.


Old Post 09-09-2003 03:24 PM
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Sierradaddy
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post #69  quote:

ROFL!!! That was GREAT!!

Old Post 09-12-2003 04:35 AM
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Jennifer8079
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post #70  quote:

Hey guys, wanna hear a clean joke?

I took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirty joke?

Bubbles was the girl next door.


Old Post 09-15-2003 07:51 PM
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shortyboogs
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Smile cute post #71  quote:

I can't think of a favourite joke, but I find this one very cute.

What did the grape say when someone squeezed it?

It let out a little whine/wine.


Old Post 10-05-2003 06:24 PM
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Nymphadora
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post #72  quote:

Thoses are all very funny. LOL!. Here's one for you.

There was this lady who was always asking her husband to do things around the house but he would never do them. One day she asked him to fix the cabnet door that had broken in the kitchen and he said does it look like i have carpenter written across my forhead. A few days later she noticed the the faucet leaking and asked him to fix it in which he replied does it look like i have plumber written across my forehead. Later the woman came home with a new light fixture and asked if he would install it for her and he replied does it look like I have electrician written across my forhead. Well, the women was just tired of him never doing anything so the next day when a door to door sales man stopped by she asked him if he would fix the cabinet, faucet, and install the light fixture. He said he would be delighted. So, when the husband came home the woman told him not to worry that a man had stopped by and fixed the things he wouldn't. The husband said well what did you have to do, and she told him he said he would do it and all she had to do was bake him a pie or have sex with him. The husband said well thats great what kind of pie did you bake him? The woman replied does it look like i have Betty Crocker written across my forehead?


Old Post 10-06-2003 08:12 PM
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lodgebo
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post #73  quote:

A drunk mani s walking home one night whe he passes a river where a preacher is baptising adults the drunk takes gret intrest in this and walks up to the preacher and says "can I have a go"
The preacher decides that if anyone needs god's help it is this guy. " yes " replies the preacher so he grabs the man buy the back of the head and sticks him under the water, he then pulls him back up and asks "have you found Jesus" "no" replies the drunk so once again he sticks him under the water asks "have you found Jesus" "No" replies the drunk the preacher getting slightly annoyed tries one more time only this tiume holding him under for slightly longer than is required, he then pulls him up and asks " for god's sake have you found jesus" to which the drunk replies "no are you sure he fell in here"


Old Post 10-10-2003 11:11 AM
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auntgoldie
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drunk man post #74  quote:



Old Post 10-10-2003 04:41 PM
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Untamed_Soul
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post #75  quote:

Clown Food

Two cannibals are eating a clown when one looks at the other and asks. "This taste funny to you?"


Old Post 01-01-2004 04:48 PM
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Barbed wire
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Posts: 492

post #76  quote:

Little Johnny looking at his mother trying a new furcoat on:
"Mom, do you realise that this furcoat is a result of terrible suffering of a poor animal"?
"How you dare to talk about your Dad in these words!"


Last edited by Barbed wire on 01-02-2004 at 01:13 PM |
Old Post 01-02-2004 01:00 PM
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Staff
HECK!
Bluto

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Re: actual AP headline post #77  quote:

quote:
bitwiz44 said this in post #10 :
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. Then she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She had initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde



This is one of the most widespread urban legends I have ever come across.

-HECK!


Old Post 01-02-2004 06:15 PM
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Lawless
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post #78  quote:

Quite true, Heck... quite true. What some people will believe!

Old Post 01-02-2004 06:19 PM
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becker
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post #79  quote:

A cell phone was ringing in the locker room of a posh country club. Joe picked it up pressed the button and a woman said "Hi honey how are you".Joe said "Great" The woman then said "Honey I checked our money balance and we have enough money now for that house we looked at and the price has come down to only $500M. Is it ok to call the agent and close the deal?" "sure dear but make sure we you get it inspected." She then said "I wiil, and also that Mercedes we looked at has been dropped to only $70M. Shall I get it?" yes dear but make sure you get all the optonal equipment thrown in" "OK I will" "and by the way the diamond necklace we loked at is reduced to only $150M. Should I get it?" Sure honey.but make sure they throw in the earrings" "Ok dear I love you!" Goodbye" Joe then held up the phone and yelled "Does anybody know whose phone this is?"

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Lawless
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post #80  quote:

Now THATS funny!!!

Old Post 01-02-2004 08:10 PM
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Nymphadora
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post #81  quote:

quote:
Untamed_Soul said this in post #75 :
Clown Food

Two cannibals are eating a clown when one looks at the other and asks. "This taste funny to you?"



ha haha hahaha that's funny ha ha.


Old Post 01-02-2004 09:31 PM
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becker
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post #82  quote:

A fourth grade teacher was giving the pupils a lesson in logic. "Here's the situation-a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of the river fishing. He loses his balance, falls in and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank"? Little Johnny raised his hand and said "To draw out all his savings?"

Old Post 01-03-2004 12:33 AM
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Gold Member
Whidden
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post #83  quote:

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"


Old Post 01-05-2004 03:20 AM
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