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Delta
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SEx In The Nursing Home post #31  quote:

A gentleman aged 85 and a lady aged 84 met in their Nursing Home, they quickly became friends.
One night the old man says to the old lady, why don't you come to My room after lights out? Ok says his "girlfriend".

They meet in the old mans room climb into bed and start doing the nasty. After wards, the old Man says to himself, "If I would have know she was a virgin I wouldn't have been so rough.
The old lady says to herself "mY goodness I didn't realize he was such a macho man. or I would have taken off my PANTYHOSE1 !

Delta


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Dreamzwalker
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post #32  quote:

this isn't my fav and it's a little wrong but here it is....

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent hislittle girl was. Just precious! Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied, "both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of that $h!t in our garden."


Old Post 07-15-2003 06:04 AM
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bitwiz44
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Cool But You Have The Brakes ! post #33  quote:

A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a
steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other
side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center
of the road, making love.

He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them.
Then, Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to
the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!"

The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too
concerned, looked up and said, "Look, I was coming, she was
coming, and you were coming,.....
and "You were the only one with brakes!"


Old Post 07-16-2003 03:08 AM
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bitwiz44
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Cool The rules; dude. post #34  quote:

We men always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. You can handle it. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports.. It's like the full moon. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1.. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.


Last edited by bitwiz44 on 07-16-2003 at 03:21 AM |
Old Post 07-16-2003 03:18 AM
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Delta
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From one blonde to another post #35  quote:

A blonde was speeding down the highway when a blonde officer gave pursuit.
The blonde officer signaled to the other to pull over.
She did.

Where is your license )drivers) and the blonde speeder saiid What does it look like? The blonde officer said it has your picture on it

The blonde speeder rumaged around in her purse and came out with a compact mirror. She handed it to the police officer who took it and looked inthe mirror.

She said oh , ok I didn't know you were a poice officer!
Lata
Delta


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mystic
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post #36  quote:

A joke for all....especially the for the LP crowd....



An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?


Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half! drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.


Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


Old Post 07-16-2003 03:25 PM
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Hani_2
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post #37  quote:

quote:
Originally posted by Marc Flemming
Too many favorites - but to get this going, here's a joke I came across yesterday:

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!

She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"



It really shows gods fairness and why women arn't like that today! Damn you Adam! LOL! An arm and a testicle! your priceless!


Last edited by Hani_2 on 07-21-2003 at 02:24 AM |
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post #38  quote:

Here are my two favourite quickie jokes.

Q: How did the butcher die?
A: He cut the wrong sausage!

Q: How did the clown die?
A: He juggled the wrong balls!


Old Post 07-21-2003 02:22 AM
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Lawless
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post #39  quote:

Okay... this one is a little, tinsey winsey gross.

What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?

A salad shooter!!!


Old Post 07-31-2003 05:56 PM
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Mike James
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post #40  quote:

Welcome to Heaven... here's your harp and tuning fork...
Welcome to Hell... here's your harp.


Old Post 07-31-2003 06:36 PM
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post #41  quote:

Here's one for all you Texas folk...

Two little boys were playing football in a park in College Station,
Texas. Suddenly one of the boys came under attack by a rabid
rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped off a board from a nearby fence,wedged it down the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter with the Eagle newspaper who was strolling by saw the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. "MEMBER OF 12th MAN RESCUES FRIEND FROM HORRIFIC ATTACK," he wrote in his notebook.

"But I'm not a member of the 12th Man," the little boy told him.

"Sorry, since we're in College Station, I just assumed you were, "said the reporter. He started again, "YOUNG AGGIE FOOTBALL FAN SAVES FRIEND FROM VICIOUS ANIMAL," wrote the reporter.

"I'm not an Aggie football fan, either," said the boy.

"Well, gosh," said the reporter, "I thought everyone in College
Stationpulled for Texas A&M. Just who do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Longhorn fan," said the boy with pride.

The reporter started a new sheet in his notebook: "LITTLE HIPPIE HOMO BASTARD KILLS BELOVED FAMILY PET."


Old Post 07-31-2003 06:37 PM
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Mike James
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post #42  quote:

70 year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "Georgeeverything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally,emotionally and are you at peace with your self and have a goodrelationship with God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that whenI get up in the middle of the night, poof! The light goes on &I go to the bathroom and then poof! The light goes off!"

"Wow,"commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife."Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great.But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship withGod. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! Thelight goes on in the bathroom and then poof! The light goes off?"

Thelma replied, "Darn fool! He's peeing in the fridge again!"


Old Post 07-31-2003 06:39 PM
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post #43  quote:

What NOT To Say To A Police Officer!

1. Sure I'll get my license, but can you hold my beer?

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in..

3. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed.....have you been eating doughnuts?"

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay good, just so one of us does..

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer..

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. I was just trying to keep up with traffic... Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are!


Old Post 07-31-2003 06:40 PM
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Mike James
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post #44  quote:

Your computer has been infected by the Amish computer virus. Since the Amish probably don?t have computers, or viruses, you are on the honor system. Please delete all the files from your computer.

Old Post 07-31-2003 06:40 PM
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Mike James
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post #45  quote:

"God populated the earth with vegetables of all kinds, so that Man would live a long and healthy life.
And Satan created the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "Want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Supersize them!" And Man gained pounds.
And God created healthful yogurt, and Satan froze the yogurt, and brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored candy to put on top. And Man gained more pounds.
And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV, remote control and potato chips. And Man clutched his remote and ate his chips. Satan saw this and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMOs..."


Old Post 07-31-2003 06:41 PM
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post #46  quote:

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five
men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What's a light bulb?


Old Post 07-31-2003 06:42 PM
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Delta
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post #47  quote:

Mike, that was a clever, funny joke, thanks
Delta


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post #48  quote:

Which one?

Old Post 07-31-2003 08:17 PM
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Delta
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post #49  quote:

The light Bulb, too funny! I can picture all the religious discussion, email it to me, so I can share. OK?

Delta


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auntgoldie
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post #50  quote:

Especially on the Flamers Ward. They are going Beserk over there.

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auntgoldie
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post #51  quote:

Indian Love Call

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. "Was he crazy or what?"

"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler "Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave. The second Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!
WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The next day, the headline read...

"NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"


Old Post 08-05-2003 04:50 PM
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chelktty
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post #52  quote:

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists ? two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

?We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.?
The first man said.?You can?t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,?

The agent replies, ?Then you?re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. ?I tried, but I can?t kill my wife.? The agent replies, ?You don?t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.?

Finally, it was the woman?s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, ?You guys didn?t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.?


Old Post 08-05-2003 09:17 PM
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auntgoldie
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post #53  quote:



Once upon a chilly night, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a big ugly frog in a pond.

The homely frog said to the princess, "Will you please kiss me? I was once a handsome young prince until an evil witch put a terrible spell on me. One kiss from you and I will immediately turn into a handsome prince. Then I will gather you up in my arms, carry you off to my castle in the clouds and we can marry. And you can bear my children, prepare my meals, clean my clothes and we'll live happily ever after."

Later that night... the princess sat by the warm hearth and enjoyed a nice, warm dinner?of frog legs.


Old Post 08-06-2003 02:09 PM
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Delta
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The Pope post #54  quote:

The pope was finishing his sermon,
He ended with the Latin Phrase "Tuti Homini" ( which means Blessed be Mankind)

A womens rights group approached the Pope the next day. They complained that the Pope blessed all Mankind . but not Woman kind.

The next day after his sermon, the Pope concludes by saying"Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" which means Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day a gay-rights group approached the Pole. They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people.

The Pope said "Sure"
The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with "Tuti Homini, et Tut Femini, et Tuti Fruiti"

Delta


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Delta
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The Pope post #55  quote:

The pope was finishing his sermon,
He ended with the Latin Phrase "Tuti Homini" ( which means Blessed be Mankind)

A womens rights group approached the Pope the next day. They complained that the Pope blessed all Mankind . but not Woman kind.

The next day after his sermon, the Pope concludes by saying"Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" which means Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day a gay-rights group approached the Pole. They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people.

The Pope said "Sure"
The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with "Tuti Homini, et Tut Femini, et Tuti Fruiti"

Delta


Old Post 08-06-2003 08:06 PM
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helen55
In the Now Guru

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Location: RV - USA
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John Wayne Bobbitt post #56  quote:

It seems the Bobbitt incident was all a misunderstanding. Lorena was upset about how her husband was treating her and asked a counselor what she should do. The counselor suggested that she might "try a separation".

There was just a John Bobbitt snow storm. Six inches on the ground.

I heard the Bobbitt's were going to be in a sequel called, "The Return of the Magnificent Seven."

When John Bobbitt was asked if he would reconcile with his wife, he replied, "I have no hard feelings."

John Bobbitt was going to file divorce papers, but he didn't make it by the cut-off date.

They're already making one of those "Slice of Life" TV movies about John Bobbitt's story.

When asked what he thought of his wife when he first met her, Bobbitt said: "Well, she's a cut above all the other women I've ever known."

When the doctors were asked about the possibility of the Bobbitt's reconciling their differences and resuming a married life, they said: "Emission Impossible."

Lorena Bobbitt has a better chance of getting off than he does.

Thank God they found John Bobbitt's member. I'd hate to see it on milk cartons next week at the grocery store.

John Bobbitt was on Geraldo the other day. The day's topic was servicemen having trouble with their discharge.

John Bobbitt is changing his name. His new name? Les Johnson.

When John Bobbitt went to the hospital, the doctors said, "We can give you a new ***** of any size you want." Bobbitt thought about it and said he wanted the biggest dick they could put on him. After the surgery, he awoke and found a humongous bandage on his groin. The doctor un-wrapped it and Bill Clinton looked up and said, "Hello, John"

As you read in the papers, Lorena Bobbitt sliced her husband's ***** off, and then drove off in her car. Down the road, she realized she was still holding on to it, so she panicked and tossed it out the car's window.
What really happened is this: she did throw her husband's ***** out the car window, but as she did, she passed a pickup truck load of good old boys from Texas. The ***** landed on their windshield, and Luke, the one in the middle, exclaimed, "Did you see the size of the dick on that mosquito?!"

What did Jeffrey Dahmer (the Milwaukee mutilator) say to Lorena Bobbitt? "Are you going to eat that?"

John Bobbitt finally landed a full time job. He now works for Snap-on Tools.

Did you hear that Lorena Bobbitt was moving to Russia? She plans to change her name and apply for citizenship there. She is going to change her name to Lorena Cutcyacockoff!!

What happens when you call 1-800-BOBBITT? You get cut -off.

What's the "John Bobbitt doorbell"? Two dings, no dong.

What was the name of the cop that found John Bobbitt's severed *****? Dick Tracy.

John Bobbitt's new girlfriend told him he reminded her of Vienna.
He asked, "Because I'm such a good dancer?"
She replied, "No, because of your short sausage."

Why didn't Lorena Bobbitt leave town? She didn't have the balls.


Last edited by helen55 on 08-24-2003 at 06:41 PM |
Old Post 08-24-2003 06:22 PM
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Delta
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post #57  quote:

Helen those were gems!!

Delta


Old Post 08-25-2003 05:31 AM
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bitwiz44
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Cool post #58  quote:

Helen55

Old Post 08-25-2003 01:27 PM
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auntgoldie
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Posts: 1410

Bobbitt post #59  quote:



Helen, I'm emailing these out to my friends. These are the funniest I've seen in a long time.


Old Post 08-25-2003 04:12 PM
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Diamond Member
Lawless
All About Brad!

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Registered: Jun 2003
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Location: Freezing in Colorado
Posts: 27144

Texan jokes... You know you're in California when... post #60  quote:

  • 1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
  • 2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
  • 3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
  • 4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
  • 5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
  • 6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
  • 7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
  • 8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
  • 9. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
  • 10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
  • 11. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
  • 12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
  • 13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.
  • 14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
  • 15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
  • 16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S &M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
  • 17. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
  • 18. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH 2003."
  • 19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Banks himself is teaching the 4:00 pm Tae Bo class.
  • 20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
  • 21. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
  • 22. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????
  • 23. Both you AND your dog have therapists.


Old Post 08-28-2003 05:55 PM
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