| As you may not know Scotland's biggest city Glasgow will be hosting the 2014 Commonwealth games as the host city Glasgow has some say in the events and a leaked itinerary reveals what you will see in 2014:
Opening ceremony - As a "screw you" to London Glasgow will also have a flame lighting event, a native of the easter house area will appear (wearing the Glasgow "neds" costume of shell suit and burberry cap) and launch a petrol bomb at a chip van situated on the roof of the stadium the flame will burn for the duration of the tournament as any firefighters sent to tackle the blaze will be attacked by local sharpshooters with air guns.
The events have been slightly altered to give our Scottish stars a chance:
100 metres - All runners will be required to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one under each arm)at the start of the race a police dog will be released 10 yards behind the athletes
100 meter hurdle - as above but with cars and hedges as obstacles
Hammer - competitors can pick claw or sledge hammer the winner is the person who can cause the most bodily harm to members of the public in the time allowed.
Shooting - the locals are the favorites as police cars and post office vans are the new targets
Boxing - Husband V wife only. The fights will take place on Friday nights the Husband will be sent to the pub for 15 pints while the wife will not make his tea, when he gets home the bout will commenece.
Cycling time trials - competitors will have to go to the local university, break into the bike sheds and steal a mountain bike from some mummy's boy who should have known better than to study in Glasgow. All against the clock.
Cycling pursuit - As above but the bike will actually belong to Rangers Barry Ferguson and Celtic's Scott Brown.
Pentathlon - Amended to include Mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding and Arson.
Marathon - a safe route has yet to be picked but the competitors will be given bags of rubbish to distribute round the course.
Swiming - Competitors will be thrown in to the Clyde the first 3 survivors will be awarded medals.
Closing ceremony - Entertainment will be formation rave dancing, synchronised rock throwing and music by the Govan Loyal flute band. The flame will be extinguished by a local dropping an old washing machine onto it from the block of flats next door. The stadium will be voarded up before the locals can break in and steal all the copper piping and the central heating boiler. | |
