| This show is freakin' comedy, if anybody has HBO they should be watching it!
Season One
Ben Stiller
Ben Stiller is directing a movie based on a book written about the Balkins Conflict. Andy Millman, who is just an extra in the movie, attempts to befriend the writer of the book, Goran, to get himself some lines in the movie. However when tensions heat up between Goran and Ben Stiller, Ben erupts at him and Andy steps in the defend the man.
Ben Stiller: Who are you?
Andy: Nobody.
Ben Stiller: What's that? Who?
Andy: Nobody.
Ben Stiller: That's right. Nobody. Yeah, and who am I?
Andy: It's either Starsky or Hutch, I can never remember.
Ben Stiller: Was that supposed to be funny?
Andy: You tell me, you were in it.
Ben Stiller: How can I cheer up this orphaned kid? By showing him the DVD of Dodgeball? Well, sure, then he'll be happy for an hour and a half, but what then? Do I show him Dodgeball again? Of course, he'll get more out of it, because he'll spot new things the second time round. It's layered - it's written that way. But how many times can I show him Dodgeball? Seven, eight, maybe. Then what?
Andy: Bye, nerd.
Ben Stiller: Oh I'm a nerd?
Andy: Yeah.
Ben Stiller: I'm a nerd! I've... I've kissed Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore. I, er... slapped Jennifer Aniston's butt...
Maggie: In films.
Ben Stiller: Still counts.
Ross Kemp
Andy is working on a film across from the studio where his rival, Greg, is filming with Vinnie Jones (Gone in 60 Seconds). Greg even has lines. Andy's friend, Maggie, convinces Andy to talk to the star of the movie he's shooting, Ross Kemp, to get himself some lines. Ross Kemp is eager to display his toughness for Andy, however Andy isn't convinced. He's even less convinced when Vinnie Jones and Ross Kemp come head-to-head.
Andy: You just want someone to call up and give me an advert?
Agent: That would be amazing, that would be brilliant.
Andy: Okay. Make sure the phone's on the hook then.
Agent: You joke about it; it was unplugged for two days - no-one noticed. Tsk!
Kate Winslet
Andy and Maggie shoot a movie about a nun in the second world-war with Kate Winslet - which she thinks is bound to get her an oscar. Kate overhears Maggie's boyfriend's want for phone-sex and gives her some tips. Andy, meanwhile, meets up with a woman he'd like to date and lies about being Catholic. When she asks him out, he's extatic, until they arrive at her bible-group.
Andy: Was I in it? [the scene]
Maggie: I don't know.
Andy: No I wasn't then. What is the point in getting all tarted-up like this if you're not even going to make it to the scene?
Maggie: You look quite dapper.
Andy: It's a Nazi uniform!
Kate Winslet: If you do a film about the Holocaust, you're guaranteed an Oscar. That's why I'm doing it - Schindler's bloody List...
Les Dennis
Andy gets a job as Aladdin in the stage-production of the story, where he plays a genie who says nothing but homo-suggestive lines. Les Dennis, also in the production, is over-the-moon at his recent engagement to a beautiful woman... however Andy sees the woman making out with a stage-hand.
Les Dennis: I even considered suicide.
Andy: Oh.
Les Dennis: Yeah, actually thinking: I'm gonna end it all - I'm thinking: I'll do it live on telly, that'll show her. And I was thinking about it, Melinda Messenger came in - lovely girl, she was chatting away...
Andy: Took your mind off it?
Les Dennis: Yeah, I was looking at her tits.
Andy: Hold on, his daughter? But he's definitely gay.
Maggie: He can't be gay if he's got a daughter.
Andy: Oscar Wilde was married with two kids.
Maggie: Well he can't have been gay.
Andy: What Oscar Wilde?
Maggie: Yeah.
Andy: Got to stop hanging around with you.
Samuel L. Jackson
Andy attempts to avoid another extra who's incredibly dull. When the dull extra gets him some lines with Samuel L. Jackson, Andy says he owes him one... the man then suggests they go out on the town together. Meanwhile, Maggie has a crush on an actor in the movie they're filming, who just happens to be black. She gets too caught up trying not to seem racist, she ends up offending him and Samuel L. Jackson.
Andy: [giving Maggie a 'racism test'] Who would you rather have waiting for you when you got home tonight: Johnny Depp or O.J. Simpson?
Patrick Stewart
Andy meets Patrick Stewart on the set of his new movie and gives him his script (for a sitcom). Stewart likes it and decides to get the BBC to help finance it. Andy meets with the BBC people and the ball gets rolling, however a snag is met when Maggie shows up on the set and repeats Andy's comments about his collaborator being "too gay". Andy then tries to save his sitcom, but may lose his friend when he blows up at Maggie for her stupidity.
Patrick Stewart: You've seen Star Trek: The Next Generation have you?
Andy: I haven't, no.
Patrick Stewart: Why, your wife won't let you have it on, is it?
Andy: I'm not married.
Patrick Stewart: Oh, your girlfriend then?
Andy: I haven't got a girlfriend, I live alone.
Patrick Stewart: You're not married, you haven't got a girlfriend, and you never watch Star Trek?
Andy: No.
Patrick Stewart: Good lord.
Andy: I'm doing the lead in this OK I'm playing the lead character. That's it I don't want to discuss it.
Agent: Are you sure?
Andy: Yes.
Agent: I dunno... you've never struck me as a funny bloke.
Season 2
Orlando Bloom
Andy works on his new sitcom, but finds out working with the 'creative' BBC people is going to be more difficult than he anticipated. Meanwhile, Maggie meets Orlando Bloom on the set of his current film, however she isn't convinced that he's really all he's cracked up to be. He sets out to prove to her how desirable he is.
Orlando Bloom: [Referring to Johnny Depp] Willy Wonka? Johnny Wanker!
David Bowie
Andy's TV show takes off in popularity among the riff-raffs of society, what with the glasses, the wig and the catch-phrase, however Andy starts to get unhappy about the route his show is taking. He meets up with some fans in a pub, however escapes to a more upper-class place where he gets VIP treatment... that is until David Bowie walks in.
Andy: [complaining about his sitcom] ...I think I've sold out to be honest. It's difficult to keep your integrety....
David Bowie: [singing] Little fat man who sold his soul / Little fat man who sold his dream / Chubby little loser / Chubby little loser / No, no not chubby little loser... / Pathetic little fat man / No one's bloody laughing / The clown that nobody laughs at / They all just wish he'd die / He's so depressed at being useless / The fat man takes his own life / no no, he's so depressed at being hated / Fatty takes his own life... / Fatty? Fatso?
Maggie: Fatso, I like fatso
David Bowie: Yeah, let's go with fatso / Fatso takes his own life / He blows his bloated face off / No, he blows his stupid brains out
Linda: But the **** would probably miss
David Bowie: Yes, Linda, I like that.
Andy: [sarcastic] Yes, so do I. It's brilliant Linda.
David Bowie: He sold his soul for a shot at fame / Catchphrase and wig and the jokes are lame / He's got no style / He's got no grace / He's banal and facile / He's a fat waste of space / yeah, yeah, everybody sing that last line, one, two, three / He's banal and facile / He's a big waste of space / See his pug-nosed face / Pug-pug pug-pug / Again / See his pug-nosed face / Yeah / Pug-pug pug-pug / Again / See his pug-nosed face / Pug-pug pug-pug / The little fat man with the pug-nosed face / Little fat man / Got no space / He's a little fat man / With the pug nosed face / Pug-pug pug-pug ....
Daniel Radcliffe
Andy lands a cameo in a movie starring Daniel Radcliffe and Warwick Davies. Daniel does nothing but try to have sex with the women on the set and try to brag about himself smoking, whereas Andy is somewhat envious of Warwick's beautiful girlfriend. Andy also takes Maggie out for a meal, where he complains about a young boy making a lot of noise; not knowing that the boy suffered from Downs Syndrome. He then learns what it's like to be in the British tabloids.
Agent: [trying to do positive PR] I defy anyone to identify from behind, you know, one of these mongoloids.
Andy: This is Warwick
Agent: Where?
Andy: There!
Agent: Oooh midget!
Chris Martin
Andy gets somewhat disgruntled when Chris Martin of Coldplay guest-stars on his sit-com, in a really poor attempt to promote his new CD. His mood changes, however, when he discovers he's been nominated for a BAFTA. At the award ceremony he meets an ex who he broke up with for being incredibly boring... however makes the mistake of telling Maggie this, along with embarassing info that he lost his virginity at 28 to a woman who looked like Ronnie Corbett (who guest stars as himself).
Maggie: Is that the woman you lost your virginity to?
Andy: Who?
Maggie: The one that looks like Ronnie Corbett.
Andy: That is Ronnie Corbett. Why would she be wearing a tuxedo?
Maggie: She might be a lesbian.
Andy: Then why would I lose my virginity to a lesbian?
Maggie: Don't know she might have turned lesbian after you slept with her.
Stephen Fry: As Oscar Wilde so wonderfully put it "all of us are in the gutter, but some of us are looking up at the stars"... [walks off]
Andy: He was probably looking up men's trousers, the old poof.
Stephen Fry: [returns] Sorry?
Andy: He was looking up at the... stars, yeah
Stephen Fry: That's right... and I'm off to look at some stars right now [leaves]
Andy: You'll be seeing stars in a minute
Stephen Fry: [returns] What?
Andy: Nothing...... why do you keep coming back in? | |