| Senator Barack Obama not only has impeccable timing, but the freshman
Democratic senator from Illinois also can sing. And at the annual dinner
of The Gridiron Club, Obama took the spotlight to poke fun at the Bush
administration, lampoon Vice President Dick Cheney's hunting mishap and
even take a few pokes at himself and his own party.
He rolled it all out with extraordinary ease and unloosed a song to
boot, sung to the tune of "If I Only Had a Brain,'' with the punch-line
landing on John McCain.
Obama opened with a show of pleasure for the "extravaganza'' of the
evening, attended by Bush, Cheney, half the Cabinet, Chief Justice John
Roberts Jr., the chairman of the joint chiefs of staff and a cast of
media stars.
"Men in tails. Women in gowns,'' Obama marveled. "An orchestra playing,
as folks reminisce about the good old days. Kind of like dinner at the
Kerrys'.
"Nice to see you, Mr. President and Mrs. Bush,'' Obama said to the
president seated to his right and first lady to his left. "I think it
takes a great spirit for the president, who we all know is an early
riser, to sit here until midnight and hear himself lampooned, when he
could be back at the White House enjoying a quiet, peaceful night,
watching TV and approving secret wiretaps.''
"The truth is, I'm terrified to be here,'' he said. "Not because you're
such a tough audience, but because they're serving drinks. I'm standing
about 30 yards from the vice president, and I'm a lawyer. The only thing
that could make this more dangerous is if he considered me a friend.
"Mr. Vice President, I know you came here expecting to be a target,
which, it turns out, may prove easier for you than shooting at one,''
said Obama. "But I do want to thank you. For years, we Democrats have
succeeded in doing little more than shooting ourselves in the foot.
You've taught us a valuable lesson,'' Obama told Cheney.
"Aim higher.''
"There's probably only one person more sick of these jokes than you, and
that's your wife,'' Obama continued. "It's an honor to share this stage
with Lynne Cheney - a great personage in her own right. Scholar.
Author. A few years ago, she wrote a book called, Telling the Truth, or
as they call it in the vice president's office, Telling the truth - 24
hours later.”
Obama noted the absence of Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice: "You
know, the president promised a muscular foreign policy. And anyone who's
seen the Condi Rice workout tapes knows he means business.
"This appearance is really the capstone of an incredible 18 months,''
Obama said, turning to his own brief career in the U.S. Senate. "I've
been very blessed: Keynote speaker at the Democratic convention. The
cover of Newsweek. My book made the best-seller list. I just won a
Grammy for reading it on tape. And I've had the chance to speak not once
but twice before the Gridiron Club.
"Really, what else is there to do?'' he asked. "Well, I guess I could
pass a law or something.
"About that book, some folks thought it was a little presumptuous to
write an autobiography at the age of 33,'' the senator said. "But people
seemed to like it. So now I'm working on volume two - the Senate months.
My remarkable journey from 99th in seniority to 98th.
"Believe me, when you're the last guy to ask questions at every
committee hearing, you have plenty of time to collect your thoughts,''
he said. "Especially when Joe Biden's on the committee.
"I'll tell you, my recent Grammy was a big surprise. I thought, for
sure Jack Abramoff would win for his rendition of 'It's Hard Out Here
for a Pimp.' This whole ethics thing has been an adventure,'' said
Obama, cast by his party to help seek ethical reforms in the aftermath
of the Abramoff scandal.
"I was really excited when they asked me to be the lead Democratic
spokesman. But I don't know. Turns out, it's a little like being given
the Kryptonite concession at a Superman convention. I mean, how did I
know it was a freshman hazing? Maybe I can explain it this way:'' And
with that introduction, the band struck up a familiar refrain from The
Wizard of Oz, and Obama proceeded to sing from the podium, with a
steady, unflinching, and even in-tune delivery of a song about the
senator from Arizona with whom Obama recently shared a rough-edged
exchange of letters:
"I'm aspiring to greatness, but somehow I feel weightless. A freshman's
sad refrain. I could be a great uniter, making ethics rules much
tighter, If I only had McCain. "I could bring us all together, no storm
we couldn't weather. We'd feel each other's pain. Red and blue wouldn't
matter, party differences would shatter, If I only had McCain.
"Oh why is it so hard, for honest men of good will to agree. If we ever
found a way to strike a deal, would we survive, politically?
"When a wide-eyed young idealist confronts a seasoned realist, there's
bound to be some strain. With the game barely started, I'd be feeling
less downhearted, If I only had McCain.
"Still I hope for the better, though I may rewrite my letter, cause I
gotta have McCain.''
Obama offered an unnecessary apology for his solo performance: "Needless
to say, my Grammy was in the spoken word category.
"I should say that I really do get along well with Sen. McCain,'' Obama
told the hotel ballroom. "But as you know, not everyone in politics
does. Because of his superstar status, his virtuous image, the kind of
hero worship treatment he gets from all of 'you, some of my colleagues
call John a prima dona. Me? I call him a role model. Think of it as
affirmative action. Why should the white guys be the only ones who are
over-hyped?''
"By the way, before I forget,'' Obama prodded the media rich audience.
"Raise your hand if Karl Rove didn't tell you about Valerie Plame. Some
folks say you've lost your investigative intensity. You were a little
slow to question the weapons of mass destruction. Maybe got a little
used on that whole Valerie Plame thing. But, by God, you brought Dick
Cheney to justice, and the world's better off for it. Or, at least
Gridiron speakers and late-night comedians were better off for it.''
Turning on his party, Obama said: "You know, the Gridiron Club is an
aging institution with a long, proud history, known today primarily for
providing a forum for jokes. To some,'' he said, "that may sound like
the Democratic Party.
"You hear this constant refrain from our critics that Democrats don't
stand for anything. That's really unfair,'' he said.
"We do stand for anything. Some folks say the answer for the Democratic
Party is to stop being so calculating and start standing up for
principle,'' he said. "In fact (Senate Minority Leader) Harry Reed's
appointed a task force to study this option. "The Republicans have been
poking fun at Democrats for not being united behind a single voice in
our party,'' Obama said. "I think that's unfair, and it smacks a little
of sexism. And just because the leading voice in our party is a
strong-willed, outspoken liberal woman with a famous husband does not
mean the Democrats are adrift.. And I, for one, want to thank Barbra
Streisand for her great leadership.
"I'm sick of people attacking Democrats as being out of touch, saying we
lose elections because we're all a bunch of snobby intellectuals who
can't speak the common man's language,'' he said. "I mean, what kind of
a supercilious argument is that?
"Take John Edwards. He's leading a new war on poverty - from his Chapel
Hill estate. And he's educating us. I had no idea there was so much
poverty in New Hampshire.''
"Speaking of New Hampshire, a lot of speculation that that 2008 campaign
could come down to Sen. McCain and Hillary Clinton. The thing I don't
think people realize is how much John and Hillary have in common.
They're both very smart. Both very hard-working. And they're both hated
by Republicans.''
"I mean, wow, it really has been a rough period for you, Mr.
President,'' Obama said.
"I missed the Oscars, so when I picked up the paper the next morning and
saw Crash in the headlines, I just assumed it was another Bush poll
story.
"And how about that ports deal?'' he added, with a reference to the
attempted takeover of several U.S. port operations by an Arab firm and a
shot at Bush's experience with the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina..
"I feel for you, sir. It's tough getting trapped in a storm, when no one
comes to help.''
"And then there's the flap about global warming,'' Obama said. "You
know, the Bush administration's been a little skeptical about the whole
concept of global warming. It's actually not the warming part they
question. It's the globe.. The president was so excited about Tom
Friedman's book, The World is Flat. As soon as he saw the title, he
said, 'You see? I was right.'''
"But when people say the administration is hostile to science, that's
really a bad rap. Just last week, they asked for a hundred million
dollars for the NIH to fund new research into leech therapy.
"I was told that this dinner is off the record,'' Obama said, moving on
to the National Security Agency's warrantless domestic eavesdropping in
search for terrorists. "No taping or recording of this event, unless, of
course, secretly authorized by the president. I completely trust the
president with that authority, by the way. But just out of an abundance
of caution, and not implying anything, I've asked my staff to conduct
all phone conversations in the Kenyan dialect of Luo.
"Truth is, this domestic spying has all kinds of useful applications for
homeland security,'' he said. "And I have a suggestion in this regard,
Mr. President: you can spy on the Weather Channel, and find out when big
storms are coming.
"You all watch the winter Olympics?'' he asked. "I'm sure a lot of us in
politics were following that figure skating, because we can identify
with performers who spin wildly and sometimes fall on their butts. I
also enjoyed that biathlon, where they ski and shoot at the same time.
Probably not your sport, Mr. Vice President.''
Obama closed with thanks for all the celebrity he has found during his
brief tenure. "Most of all, I want to thank you for all the generous
advance coverage you've given me in anticipation of a successful
career,'' he said. "When I actually do something, we'll let you know.'' | |
