If Hagrid served Jesus instead of Harry.

Harry Potter Forum

THINGS
HAGRID THE HALF-GIANT WOULD SAY IF HE SERVED JESUS INSTEAD OF
HARRY POTTER.
BY HART SEELY

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"Blimey, jeez, it's be gettin' ter lunchtime, an' I could eat meself the back end of a Phil'stine. How 'bout doublin' up a quick pile o' loaves?"

"Budge up, yeh money-changin' lumps! This 'ere boy weren't meant ter be a blinkin' Muggle! Fer gawd sake, he's King o' the Jews!"

"Codswallop! All 'm sayin'‚ boy, is tha' yeh gots ta be eyeballin' tha' Judas bloke. When a disciple goes o'er to the dark side, they's nothin' tha' matters to 'em anymore!"

"Speakin' of cups runnethin' over, laddie, mine's be gettin' a mite dry. How 'bout changin' this 'ere water into somethin' a bit more, well, frisky?"

"Lilies o' the field? What lilies? The way yeh jabber on, yeh all mus' be pullin' straight A's in Professor Dumbledore's Exposit'ry Metaphors and Parables class!"

"Why, if a fellow wanted ta get away clean, Peter-me-lad, all they'd have ter do would be ta deny they ever even knowed Jesus. Uh-oh. I shouldn't eh told yeh that."

"Ah, go boil yer spleen, Pilate! Yeh stink-handed prune! Yeh've done me savior wrong, an' now yeh've gots ter pay!"

BUT, Hagrid would have also said "Blimey, but could yer get me a dragon, er it's fer chasin' them pharises, yep that ill be it"

Hagrid needs his own movie. Just him, working around the shed, saying funny things.


Or maybe he could go on a road trip in that self driving car, and get into adventures in Muggle land.

I would totally go to see a Hagrid movie. "Hagrid's summer adventure". Hagrid could go out in search of Norbert his long lost dragon. He would of course stop at every pub along the way, maybe hit on some large and hairy women.

Maybe he could meet a girl.



Has he ever kissed a girl, in the books?

I think he kissed madame maxime. Not sure, but he did wear the cologne and all for her.