George Carlins New Rules for 2006

Flamers' Ward Forum

George Carlin's New Rules for 2006

1. New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

2. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

3. New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

4. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

5. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

6. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

7. New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

8. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a-hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a-hole.

9. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

10. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high

11. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

12. New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

13. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

14. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

15. New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

16. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

I freakin' love Carlin. My idol.

-HECK!

I take exception to this one

Sorry George, but bigger chocolate is a good thing.

They're even worse at the self-checkout at the supermarket.

-HECK!

don't even get me started on the coupon-people..... siiiggghhhhh.

I was at the self checkout at the market and when I scanned my beer a $1 off coupon printed up, you know the ones you get with your receipt as you leave. I took it and scanned it, took the $1 off.

HECK- stickin' it to the man.

-HECK!

Self-check out? That's, what? Like the honour system for department stores?


I like the Chinese Character one. I've actually seen folks with the words "Spring Roll" on their arm. More than one! Can you believe that?


George Carlin's the man. His 10 Commandment bit is one of my all time favorites.

Self check out is the greatest thing ever. There are like 6 little lanes, you scan all your stuff and bag it. Pay the machine and go. There is one person at the front watching the video camera and making sure you're scanning everything. It rules.

-HECK!

Yeah it's cool, unless you get stuck behind that dope who doesn't know what he's doing. YOU ALREADY SCANNED THE 12 PACKS OF HOTDOGS, put it IN THE BAG and walk AWAY... but no................ I gotta watch the people who are in the regular line laugh at me and leave, all b/c mr. I gotta stock up for lunch didn't ring up all 12 hot dog packets....

why do people look perplexed when the screen flashes "GET ATTENDANT" i mean, how hard is that to understand? She's about 2 feet away. GO GET HER.

I like self-checkout though. I feel like a kid again playing GROCERY STORE. how sad, people pretended to be princesses, ballerinas, astronauts and cops, me, i pretended to be a grocery store clerk.... no imagination.

Oh yeah, if there is anyone ahead of me that looks like an idiot I don't get in line.

-HECK!

These are not George Carlin's rules, these are New Rules that Bill Maher read during 2005 on Real Time with Bill Maher. But they were really funny when Maher performed them.

Serious? Man, Carlin rules. Maher is ok.

-HECK!

Was he reading them as George Carlin's rules? When I read this it said G.C. who knows... it's hilarious either way.

ICB is right (from Snopes.com)

Just
about every uncredited bit of sardonic social or political humor circulated on the Internet these days ends up getting attributed to comedian George Carlin, and the one quoted above is no exception. And, as usual, the item so credited has nothing to do with him.

"New Rules" are the province of comedian Bill Maher, who typically offers a list of them at the conclusion of each installment of his weekly Real Time with Bill Maher program on HBO. The rules cited in the list reproduced above were collected from various episodes of the show aired between March and September 2005, and complete transcripts of the weekly "New Rules" segments are available on HBO's web site.

---------

-HECK!

And you can see more of his New Rules at: http://www.hbo.com/billmaher/new_rules/

-HECK!

And Bill Maher will be returning Feb. 17, so if you want to see some '06 New Rules, don't miss them.

The best rule is always the last one because Bill goes into a monologue/rant that is just amazing, especially when he's sticking it to conservatives.