Where in the heck is HECK!? (Or this is HECK's thread on booze)

Lounge Lizards Forum

So, I cruise on down to the sweet, almost mockingly pleasant city of San Diego. The only thing hot down here are the chickadees.

I'm here for a wedding, friend of the girlfriend, which means I don't know anyone. Not that not knowing anyone at a party has ever stopped me from being HECK. Did I mention it was open bar for a few hours. Stink. After that, double stink.

Then left, more drank, and it's not even 1am and the lady is passed out and I'm stuck eatin' pizza killing a Miller Lite case softly.

This thread for two reasons: to talk about random places I post from and levels of the beer-oriented fade I currently live in.

Discuss. If you go O.T., I refer you to the Bakersfield Chimp thread.



-HECK!

I am currently drinking Natty LIte from a Virginia Tech travel mug.

not my proudest moment... but hey, it was free.

Dekk, I was there with you when I was early-20's. Natty Lite and watching Dazed & Confused every night. It's like, one can appreciate it in many different ways

-HECK!

so right, like, I was at work earlier, and this kid is like "why don't one of you (the other three, 21-and-over guys) go get some beer. I'll pay for it."

So, being the manager-in-charge, I of course, approve of the idea.

Since I'm the only one with a car, I have to go get it.

So I pick up a case of Natty Lite (with someone else's money, so I can't complain about the brand).

Then at the end of the night he says "take as much as you want home."

and here I am, drinking the last one. I'm gonna finish it off, eat some garlic bread, then pass out watching Chapelle show reruns.

I love my life.

Man, I've had similar nights, one way or another.

I remember when I was a junior in high school, we would get this sophmore to buy beer for us because he grew a beard at a oddly young age. Natty was the usual, or 40's of Mickey's. Headache brew, but dammit, she's the first lady I ever loved.

-HECK!

ah yes here's a good story.

when I was in high-school, there was this 30-year-old who used to dated some of my skankier classmates. He bought us beer a lot.

It's odd though, cuz he looked and dressed and acted just like one of us. I didn't think he was that much older when I first met him.

Anyway, his name was John F. Kennedy. I kid you not. We called him JFK.

We quickly got used to it. We just called him JFK.

But like, if I was saying something about him to someone who didn't know him. I'd say "blah blah blah and JFK said.."

and I'd get interrupted "JFK?"

and I'd remember how weird it is to know someone named after a former President. No one ever believed that his name was actually JFK.

hopefully JFK will never find this thread.

was I going somewhere with this story? umm probably not.

I'm done now.

Ah yes, the older hanger outer guy. There's one per every 4 groups of friends.

I knew this guy named John Kerry. He never used to get crap, until now, I assume.

-HECK!

It on topic, believe it or not, but I have to destroy flower mountain today.

I need the dirt.

So, the wonderful mountain of flowers, created by a very drunk and very delirious Whidden, and that now brims with flowers,

is about to be destroyed by noble sober Whidden.

It's sad really. The drunk and stupid Whid creates a thing of beauty, the sober and sane Whid destroys it in the name of progress.

But hey, I got some holes in the yard I can't mow and the red clay dirt that is flower mountain, will do nicley to fill the holes.


Still, I mourn.

http://www.inreview.com/attachment.php?s=&postid=599981

noooooooooo

I am going to organize a protest. I am going to get a bunch of tree-hugging liberal wackos to stand around Flower Mountain and refuse to move for any shovel or wheelbarrow.

I am going to make a very big effort to transplant the fowers, but I don't have much hope.


and to cheese off heck! with an off topic departure, I pose a trivia question, Dark Tower related of course:

Which one is Roland's Grandmother?

1. Rhea of the coos

2. Lady Rosline

3. Deidre the Mad

4. Abagail Deshain

You havn't been around as much Heck!, is it that new job you got?

taking up all your time?

Been busy. Computer at home took a dumpo, so I have to post from my part time gig. Sucks.

-HECK!

Exceedingly foul experience on saturday. Had a few beers, but took some shots of the local liquor store's home grown brand of vodka. Just terrible, tasted like rubbing alcohol and it nearly made me sick. I've never been one for vodka en masse, but this was just terrible and totally unappealing. Whew...

i'm making wine in my closet.... you wanna try some?

Brochu, had the worst hangover from vodka... ever. I can name the outcome of every excess booze night:

Vodka: no puke, worse hangover, almost lost job

Jaggermesiter: slow, spitty pukes. Up for a while. OK next day.

Jack Daniels: fight(s)

Tequilla: get with hot chicks.

It's a science.

And yes, I am smoking (cig) and drinkin right now.

-HECK!

So, I am currently out of the condo and am between places. At this time, currently, I am spending the night at the parents house. All my crap is in boxes. I am at the old stomping ground. Yet another random drunk place. New place ready soon, but not soon enough.

That reminds me of: funny former drunk story #142.

Let me take you back... I am 16 or so, parents make the first of what would only be two lifetime weekend trips where I stay home solo (the second time they left I waaaay ruined any trust. Once again, I digress.)

At the time, I worked at this video store. A bunch of dudes worked there, they were all cool. We were f'n booze bags. Across the way, there was this gourmet bread store with all (hot) chicks working there. I know you've done the math, regardless, we're all at my pad that weekend sans parents partying like fools. Without admitting to breaking any laws, a lot went wrong, a lot went right. The worst thing was, that I will confirm, the postman busted a tired by driving over beer bottles in the street. He was foolish, I don't know who left the bottles there. And this other guy stole more alcohol than most supermarkets have. But I have said too much, and yet, not nearly enough.

-HECK!

I saw a, um, little person the other day. We were cruising down the road, and I saw this chick at a check cashing place getting into a car. Me and the peeps were driving by on the way to see Wedding Crashers on fade (alright saw the movie already, but not on beers(s)(s)(s)(s)(s).

::Before I get going, is 'little person' the right term? I know midget is bad. But midget porn is still acceptable. Anyway, a buddy called her dwarf. I always think of Snow White and Happy, Slappy, the stupid one and whatever when I hear dwarf. But little person sounds mean, too. They're people, just damn short. That should be their name, damn short. Better than dwarf. ::

Anyway, the moral of the story is, always get a cup to pour your tall cans of beer in before the movie starts.

-HECK!

here's a word of advice that I learned back in the day:

beer and cake do not mix.

no sir.

I quit drinking, cause the last time I drank, I woke up under my truck, passed out in the yard.

(this was not the flower mountain/dark tower roses drunk, but after that)


Anyhow, I was like, I'm 36, I'm too old for this. I should have been doing this when I was 21.

At any rate, i was sick for a week, and didn't want to ever drink again.

However, I have some yard work coming up this weekend, and might hit the hooch,

but I am buying a very small bottle this time, so if I lose control again, I won't try to go and drink a bunch of Jim Beam and have blackouts.


Heck!, you need to get your computer fixed, we need more Heck! influence in the threads.

I might try some of Brochu's tequila and see what happens. Sounds like fun,

whiskey is too strong, Rum is too sweet, and deadly,

and Gin is kinda bitter, but good,

Mahesh likes vodka, I like it ok,

but don't remember ever having tequila.

We will see how it goes.

'Mahesh likes vodka'? Dude, when did I say that? I have drank it a bit, but no way dude, no way. I would rather have a margarita, a martini, or perhaps even bourbon. Vodka is palatable as long as it is in the form of screwdriver.

M.

p.s. Here is something for you crazy drunks.

I know you have. That is why it is even more hilarious.

M.

Last time I got drunk, I made a huge watermellon that was 75% Southern Comfort-100%. I got all loopy and went into chat. I started on the piate thing, and Mr. F. made me get off line Then I got bedspins and had the mother of all hangovers for the next two days.

I am now 37 and too old for this. I did my party days in my early 20s. I was a kamakazi drinker. I also drank Jack & Coke, 7 &7's, beer. Whatever. Been there done that. Tequilla always gave me a horrible stomach ache. Anything else was cool.

I think I remember that chat. I should have probably saved it in a text file or something. Would have been a good worth as blackmail.

M.

I had a watermelon full of Vodka at a barbeque a while back. I was dirt drunk. Still, not the biggest vodka fan. The only booze I drink out of the bottle, when I do, is Jack Daniels. Good stuff.

I almost always take strait shots or whiskey on the rocks. Screw the rest. Favorite shots are Tequilla, obviously, and an Irish Car Bomb. Had two last night. Dammit. Flaming Dr. Pepper is dope, too.

One time a buddy of mine was strapped for cash and wanted a drink that would get him jacked up quick. I suggest the good ol' Adios Mother******. That thing is bad news.

Now that Red Bull is big, a lot of people put that rancid crap in all kinds of drinks. Can't stand the stuff.

-HECK!

Flaming Dr. Peppers are awesome. I love explaining it to people who don't know what it is.

"........it doesn't have Dr. Pepper in it??"






man I just woke up from a dream where I got off work and went to Richmond to visit my friend Josh and somewhere along the line I went to Target where my brother was working as a security guard. He told the supervisor up front that I was going to be his assisstant. Then he tried to jack some cash but the supervisor caught him. He was like "---uhhh---" and we went to the back and I just went off on him and called him a dumbass and stuff.

We tried to figure out how we were gonna steal all the money and we went over to the security room and were looking at the monitors and this guy walks in and says "what are you guys doing?"

my brother takes off his badge and shows it to him and says "I'm security!"

then I added "yeah so step off BIATCH!" and shoved the guy. He pretended none of this happen and started fiddling with some papers on his desk. It was funny.

Then I left, got on this cool-looking elevator with green marble floor and glass doors. It took me forever to figure out where I was going. There were like a million buttons. Then I saw other buttons at the bottom that just took me to my destination but they were hard to read so that took me a while too.

I finally got to the bottom floor and left the mall and used a payphone to call Josh so he could pick me up. He's like "where are you?" and I told him "at the mall."

He said "In Blacksburg?"
"No, in ****ing Richmond dude!"
I mean he lives here I'd think he knows where the mall is. So I had to explain it to him, "it's near an Exxon and a Food Lion... hey I think I know where I am. What ever, get over here and pick me."

So I go through my backpack and take out a 40 and a can of Miller High Life and start drinking while I was waiting for him to pick me up.

I didn't have that foresight either. I suppose Delta is just more experienced in the art of mailing black.

M.

Always find a bar where you know everyone, including staff, and you can stay there all hours of the night after they close. Good times.

-HECK!

I was drunk for a little over a week, non-stop when I was around 19 years old. I couldn't go to work or even leave the house because I had first and second degree burns to the face, neck, back, chest, shoulders, legs.... actually, everywhere. That Australian sun can really pierce and scold, you know.

At any rate, I was in so much pain my mum bought me a bottle of booze every day to dull it. Could've been the start of my short-lived drinking problem shortly after, though.

Wow. Your mom did that for you? You have a nice mom. I would have gotten a lecture daily about wearing sun screen.

Well, apparently, I will not by blacking out anymore. On saturday I blacked out and after a kid insulted my friend and peed on his house I was threatening his life. Whoops. Out of control

sounds reasonable to me

Sherry, I did get the lecture, but I was too wasted to care.

So, back to what's what in this piece. I just shook out my keyboard because I dumped a beer on the keyboard. Sucks the stuff.

Did I mentioned I got a poker game together finally... and took those boxes down like it was freakin' nada. Still got the game. Oh yes. Nothing like getting flow for the whole weekend for just out-smarting, nay, out-pimping people out of their cheese. Oh yes, that cheese was very green. The only thing that escapes me is that some of them thought they had a chance.

By the way, I saw the movie 40-Year-Old Virgin today. Let me say that not only did it rule, but if you don't see it, I will pistol whip you. Not really, but in my mind I will.

Take it sleazy,

Regards,

Peace,

Late,

Yup,

F,

-HECK!

Beer on the keyboard ...i h8 when that happens

Think i saw 40-year-old virgin ... i think i thouight it was good :~

Did you think it was good or not? COME ON.

-HECK!

I dont remember watching it, but i remember the title, and i have a vauge memory of it being good ... i think

I spilled a beer on my keyboard once.

The keyboard of my LAPTOP.

That was the most expensive beer I ever spilled.

But it was worth it, aye?

NO. For one, that was one less beer that I could drink, and secondly, I had to shell out 1500 bucks to get a new computer.

if it was under warrenty you would just have to get the place to fix it

indeed sir, indeed.

I learned a valuable lesson. I put out the extra cash and got the warranty. It is definitely worth it.

Especially if you are a beer-guzzling poor college student.

M.

Well another weekend of shameless alcoholism came to a close and another one is on the rise. As I have no idea what happened on sunday night, I can't give you many details, only that I took an awesome road trip. Sweet.

I'm going to Richmond on Saturday..... it's gonna be CRAZY

last time I went there I came back with a shovel and a roadsign.

Funny, I came away with a few phone numbers and a wicked burn on my arm from some fireworks.

holy crap, I came across a 12-pack of cans of Steel Reserve

Ok, I have not been drinking, but let's just say there is a sale on beer at the store and I'm on my way.

-HECK!

just to clarify: HECK is not planning on drinking said beer.

i believe he has sworn off the booze.

he is just gonna buy it and then sell it for profit.

that's my theory.

I said I wouldn't drink beer every again, so I started taking it in suppositories. Never gotten that drunk before in my life.

I don't even drink beer.

What am I doing on this thread?

wine is a type of beer, friend.

you know you can ferment anything ... orange juice ...the people who invented beer fermented anything trying to make gold ... it was on a program called "what the anchants did for us" they also made soap and perfume

im sure they wouldnt tell the difference if you didnt start off with a smaller bit of beer, just pee in the empties, and sell them to hobos, that way its more beer for you ... and techniquly its kind of beer its just gone through your system first, its recycling

Plus, pee is sterile. You can drink it

This health and safety tip brought to you by HECK. HECK, helping the world drink pee since 2005.

-HECK!

I thougth I drank some pee once, but it was just a Coors Light.

Ah yes, Rocky Mountain Pee Water. Good times.

Coors Light makes Pabst look like Natty Light.

-HECK!

I like Coors original though.

you cant drink pee, your own anyway ... its toxic, thats why your body is trying to get ride of it

alcohol is toxic, and yet we drink it

nothing like a nice hot fresh cup of urine in the morning



you can also put vodka in it, and serve it with a lime

Oh man, that's just nasty. Lime? Ugh.

-HECK!

Then why is it that people get ill form drinking it ... phiscally ill i tells ya

anyone who is drinking pee is mentally ill yo

dayum

i saw this program about 2 real fat chicks, and they could drink like 9 pints in one session ... and still remember it in the morning

Alright, time to bring this thread back to its maker.

Look, I was watching the David Letterman tonight. Jerry Lewis was on. Remember when him and Martin where big? The rest of the Rat Pack? Ghosts of those guys haunt my town.

I was thinking... I knew my hometown sucked the big, but I didn't realize how bad it sucked for all the rest. There are people here that make it great. I have the hook up throughout; cops, bartendars... is there anything else?

Regardless, the generartion is limp. GX is limp. It's over. That's why I am extending the biggest hand of all.

DFP is open... for now. We need to expand. Let me knowTo know what it stands for, and for the next step, you will let me know where it should be brought up;

-HECK!

Oh I met Jerry Lewis a few years ago in Australia, and went to his show (he gave me tickets). Not as funny as he was back in the day, but gave me some laughs.

Dorothy Farmer Personnel?

(Replaced with something that DFP actually stands for, rather than DPF)

Ditsy Fuscia Posts?

Dekka Farts Patiently?

Divine Feminine Principle?

I hate google...

Delirious for Pot?

Man, I can't believe I posted that. Disregard. First rule of DFP is don't talk about DFP.

-HECK!

Man o man. You know it brotha.

-HECK!

Man, I drank Coors Lite the other day. They took Miller off of the tap at my bar and replaced it with Coors beacuse all the turds drink it. Angry is HECK.

-HECK!

I rather like Coors Original though.

it's a very "beer-tasting" beer.

If I am going at it, I'll take a pint of Guiness. Good ol' milkshake of beers.

-HECK!

Heineken aint too bad. I was never a big fan of it, but I had one last night and it was pretty good.

It's good stuff. I never order it from a bar, maybe pick up a 24 oz from the store every once in a while.

If I am out, I try to steer away from beer (unless it's during football.) I lean more toward Jack Daniels, shots, etc.

-HECK!

If I go out, I get Guinness on draft, or Budweiser on Draft, or Amber Bock on draft.


If I am forced to drink at home, I try to go with something in a bottle, like Bud Dry, Corona, or last night Heineken.


I can't drink nothing out of a can, it just tastes nasty.


Wine hurts my teeth, and Whiskey makes me into a raving rose seeing lunatic who passes out in the yard,

so I'm sticking with beer.


My buddy, GPL Master, drinks Tecate in a can when we are in restaurants, but that stuff makes me ill.

Man, I haven't seen Bud Dry out here in a long time. It's weird.

-HECK!

Our beer is 3 point out here, so it's watered down. Bud Dry tastes like Coors did back in Florida.

(6 point in Florida)

Not sure what it is in Cali, has to be pretty high though.

-HECK!

I think it's 6 point (6% alcohol) in every state, cept a few bible belt states like Oklahoma, Georgia, Alabama, etc.



I also put salt on top of my beer, and knock some in right before a swig.

My Grandpa did this, and I thought he was cool.

It' also takes some of the bitteress out and makes the beer sweeter.

I tend not to add anything to the beer. Some people are adding Clamato to their beer, nasty.

-HECK!

i got meself a 40 of Hurricane now

wooha

we all know that, at all costs, we must unload #1 periodically when drinking.

but we always try to avoid unloading #2, especially at parties.

Well shiz-NIT, tonight I had to go. When you gotta go you gotta go. They only had one bathroom. Darn.

People kept knocking on it while I was in their trying to do my thang. Understandable, cuz yo, when you gotta go, you gotta go.

But this was a messy one. Nothing absurd, but defintiely required quite a few wads and two preliminary flushes. Luckily, there was cologne in the cabinet, so I didn't have to be embarassed by the smell. I came out smelling like I had just shat roses.




stillthough.... not an experience I ever care to repeat.

so u mess up there pipes AND use up there perfum ... ur a bad guest man

Yeah, the party dump is always rough. Better to get it out of they way though. I had a party once and this dude crapped himself.

-HECK!

i must agree that using the toilet is better than dirtying the carpet

Well, depends whose carpet it is.

-HECK!

if it's someone you don't particularly care for, put a turd in the microwave and hit the baked potato button.

that place will stink to high heaven for YEARS to come

whats the worse fabric you could put it on?

Shag has to be the worst. My dad had that shag in his place when I was a kid, got play-dough caught in it. Horrible.

-HECK!

fluffy carpets and play dough do not mix ... i think all kids have experienced that

Serious. There was a lizard inside my bathroom sacle. Now, when I am taking a mean fade beer whiz and I see that, it's pretty odd... but I've seen way weirder. So I step on the scale a few times and the liz shakes out underneath the inside scale deal. I wake up the next morning and it's back. I hit the scale for funs and dude doesn't shake. Dead. Came home today, fool is goner.

I have a picture, took it on the phone. Will try and post it. I laughed, but then again, one thing I hate is dead lizards inside scales. That just chaps my back-end.

-HECK!

my roommate went to Radford and all those crazy Radford burnouts decided it would be a good idea to build a fire


.... and then walk through....

.....then some guy rolled through it.....

.....then my roommate did a handstand in it....


his hands now have bandages covering them. His new nickname is Mittens.




good times

Dude, a few years out of the high school me and DFP used to crash little lame high school parties. One of them had some militant marines chilling. There was this bonfire and hella booze later, one of my best friends Doc was punching the bonfire and about to go prize fightign in Mexico. Suffice to say, the later didn't happen. But there was fire punching. Then we stole booze and got a hobo to buy beer for us. Oh yeah.

-HECK!

Man, I thought that was a Delta post there for a minute.


What the ??????????

Sadly, that's all a true story.

I think that was the night I accidently peed on some dude who was passed out in a bush.

-HECK!

guys.... I think I am in love.





her name is Gin.

I like someone elses lady- St. Paulie's Girl.

-HECK!

you're dead.

Whatever Mrs. Bon Jovi.

-HECK!

You forgot

Mrs:
jason lee
keith urban
brad paisley
jimmy fallon
ben affleck - well, i guess i have no chance with THIS one now....

I still think you're lame for the Jimmy Fallon thing. Dude is a goober and stunk on SNL.

-HECK!

you're a goober and you stink, why do i like you?

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM?

Yeah right. I have more mack in the pinky finger of my pimp hand than Fallon does in his beanpole body.

-HECK!

jealous?

Alright ya' smokers, Thy HECK has returned in his glorious form. New 'puter I got for a song (that song was Billy Idol's 'White Wedding', I got that for a motorcycle and a pack of Kool's.)

So, I realized I can sing 'Boyz In Da Hood' by NWA's Eazy-E word for word when I am on fade. What is that about, recalling so much while being boozed, but forgetting it all the next day? And! Why is water so damn good the next day after drinking?

-HECK!

Once when I was drunk I did a perfect rendition of the Bee Gee's How Deep Is Your Love. I mean, nobody said it was good and I didn't win the Karaoke competition, but that's 'cause it was rigged. It ALWAYS goes to the bloke who sings Khe San!

Side note: HECK, drinking water is awesome the night you've been drinking. Before sleeping, after a big booze up, drink a liter of water and take a headache tablet of some sort (preferably not panadol). You'll feel great the next day!

Don't know, if it's a big party night, a belly full of H2O will be given back to the Earth via puking. In the morning though it's like magic. I always find a nice piece of bread or something greasy coats the stomach well the night before.

-HECK!

IHOP before bed is always good.

Yeah, but conversely, Denny's is not.

-HECK!

Yeah, but conversely, Denny's is not.

-HECK!

Finally back on INR w/beer.

So, I don't wear pajamas. I do have these PJ type pants with pool balls on them, pretty sweet. But the hole in the junk area is getting bigger as the day is long. I kind of want to rip them off myself like Superman, I think that would really be cool.

In other news, I hate people who laugh at the end of conversations just because they don't have the mental boner enough to try and drive a nail into the discussion. You can eat lunch, sucka sass.

-HECK!

So these chicks making down tonight, they're not gay, just the young trendy cute girls that make out when they're drunk.

God bless them. And Gold bless America.

-HECK!

Went to Wal Mart with a pal Christmas Eve on fade to get a few last second gifts. Worst mistake ever. Man, I wanted to punch the whole store with a giant fist. Why did I not get everything at the mall when I was there a few days before? Wal Mart sucks on giant monster truck wheels. And it's one of those 'super' Wal Mart's so the beer is sold right near the underwear. Just can't get over that. One of the peeps said he didn't mind, he'd buy the beer if it was wrapped in dirty underwear. The cans are pretty air tight, so I give him the benefit of the doubt.

-HECK!

Went to Costco for dog food christmas day. Everybody was out doing their Christmas shopping ('cause that's what "christmas shopping" means here), after staying up late the nightbefore for the Christmas Count-down (yes, it goes 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... MERRY CHRISTMAS! It'd be funny if it wasn't so sad). I can totally get that big fist thing.

I was looking at some wines, I thought I'd buy a bottle for my mother-in-law and I to share (ended up with some Hennessey instead) and these kids walked past me, 1 by 1... "Wow....... Mei Guo Ren" (Wow... An American), then the next kid, "Mei Guo Ren"... then the next kid "Mei Guo..." - by this time I had the wine bottle held by the neck and in the air ready to strike the little so-so. The kids' father saw me and hurried them off. Smart father. Wish he wasn't so xenophobic to have such wanky kids.

That's great. I tell you Gabo, we were friends in a former life.

Hennesy for the in-law, great.

At least you are a celebrity out there.

-HECK!

I bought the girlfriends folks some wine glasses and a bottle of wine. But as it turned out they were champagne glasses. That's why I don't buy things for other people without outside advice.

-HECK!

we're not friends in this life then, man? Bummer, aye...

I have no choice but to buy some alcohol for the mother-in-law. The first time she came to stay with us, she seriously drained every last drop in the house (which was quite a lot). I didn't notice until after she left...

Guess I'm glad she feels comfortable in my home

You know what I mean jerkstore , we would be kickin' ass drinkin' pals if in the same parts of the world. We're all good peeps and all that.

Sucks the moms in law keeps you on your toes. But, at least when she bails that must be a relief, time to bust out the Hennessy then.

-HECK!

I'm leaving for home now and I bet by the time I get there she's polished the damn bottle. I'll just drink my JD and coke tonight. I store the Jack next to my German Shepherd so she wouldn't go looking for it.