Whidden's weird first person narative short story's.

Writing Forum

Post your first person narrative stories here if you want.

I plan of doing mine of side characters from different movies or books, to see how they would react to things from the main plot.

But write whatever you want.

THE WHITE CITY CHEATS MAN!!!
http://www.inreview.com/attachment.php?s=&postid=599861 by Ulwarth the Goblin



Man!!

We had them. It was all nailed up. Nothing stood in our way.

Those chumps in the White City was on their last legs, the wall was breached, we had orcs inside the city, the Nazgul was flying around picking up men and dropping them all over the place. We even launched some heads up and over the higher walls to psych out the enemy. The White City's steward did a flaming dive bomb off this huge ledge and fell about two hundred feet before crunching into the stone below.

Things were going sweet.

It got a little dicey when the men from Gondor showed up, they ran their force down into the plain, and slammed into our ranks with their horses, it could have gone either way there for awhile, but then the Giant Oliphaunts attacked and made short work of them Gondor weenies. It was pretty much wrapped up.

I was looking forward to some sweet meats, we had been given nothing but maggoty bread for 3 stinking days.

When up shows Mister Ranger soon to be King dude with an army of ghosts. That's right, ghosts.


Now who can fight a ghost? No one mortal, I can assure you. They ran straight up all over us, put down the whole army in a few minutes, took out the Oliphants, cruised up into the city and made short work of our guys up there.

It was a damn massacre is what it was. And pure outright thuggery on the White City's part. Bunch of low down dirty rotten cheaters is what I say.

Them ghosts looked like a swarm of green clouds, you couldn't fight the dead, they wasn't even really there. The metaphysics of it still confuse me, but the esoteric view suggests that the universe is nothing more than energy in a specific relationship and at a specific vibrational frequency. Well, when my sword ran into that green ghost bastards innards, the blade passed through him, because his vibrational frequency was in a different relationship from mine.
Pure buggery if you ask me.

We had them, stone cold had them. And they cheated like that.

I got slammed in the head with the side of this one ghosts sword, a sword I might add, that was a cheat in itself, in that it could not be stopped by my blade, but could sure enough express enough vibrational stability to knock me off my feet. Whatever.

I lay there for 3 hours, among the stinking dead. When I awoke, my head felt like an Ogre had camped on it for a spell, and the Witch King was dead. Some chick had taken him out. I would have found this amusing, if not for the circumstances, he always was an ***. I didn't mind seeing him go if you must know the truth.

I started humping it back to Mordor, I was tired, dirty and a little out of sorts. The whole thing just pissed me off. What other brand of Deux Ex Machina was the White City going to pull out of it's hat to save the day?

I didn't know, and I didn't care. It was just a bunch of crap.

So, I finally get most of the way back to Mordor, and almost to the gate, and I spies me an Army down there. It's the White Wizard and his motley crew and they are at the Gate. I couldn't believe my eyes. They had a lot of guff to show up like that, made me wonder what they had going on that we didn't know about.

I sat on a grayish rock and scanned the scene, and just waited. I was too tired to join the battle, and frankly a little scared. These guys didn't play fair, and I knew something was up.

So then the gates open and out marches the Army of Mordor. Man we was looking fine!!! We must have had 10,000 orcs march out and surround the White Wizard and his crew. There for a moment, I thought it might go our way, I was actually starting to pep up a little.

But then, out of nowhere, Mount Dooms blows up, the all seeing eye of Sauron that sat atop the Black Tower crumbles to the ground, and the earth opens up and eats the ENTIRE FREGGIN ORC ARMY.

Thats right. You heard me. The earth opened up and ate the whole stinking army. It was all over just like that. And to rub the salt even deeper in the wound, the earth spared the White Wizard's army. Just decided it wasn't going to swallow them up.

IT WAS BOGUS MAN!!! BOGUS!!!

It aint even close to fair. How do you fight the ground? You can't. It's impossible. What, am I going to stick it with my sword and make it stop swallowing me? It just wasn't right man.

I sat on my rock and looked, just utterly disgusted. I don't think I have ever been so mad. At least the White Wizard and his Army were stuck on the land mass that escaped the earths giant sinkholes. But AGAIN, it went THEIR way, and in come some giant eagles, swoop down, scoop up some folks and deposit them on solid ground.

The whole thing just made me sick. I had to get out of there.

It was all over, and for what? Nothing, absolutely nothing. My retirement plan was shot, I had no future to speak of. I would have to earn bread by digging ditches for the rest of my days, doing grunt work and the like. All my buds were dead and were currently food for the birds. The White had won, Sauron and our dreams of world domination defeated.

It just sucked. I aint fighting in no more wars, let me tell you. Never again. They don't tell you NOTHING in the recruiters office. Nothing at all. Not a single word about having to fight Wizards lights, and green ghosts and exploding volcano's and sinkholes.

No sir, all you get is a speech about all the meat you will get to eat, the villages you can burn, the comradely you will develop with you fellow goblin and fellow Orc. They fill your mind with the idea of all kinds of war spoils, riches, and delusions of power. But it's all a crock of crappola my friend, just a bunch of junk talk.

If I had it to do over again, I'd join up with the White City and fight for them, cause they CHEAT, they cheat like they freggin own this place.

hahaha just read this.

Whidden thats friggen hilarious

http://www.inreview.com/attachment.php?s=&postid=604398 I rode the wave. by BODHI


"Time to dance with the universe."

That's what I told Special Agent Utah on the beach, as the waves from the 50 year storm pounded the sand like a war hammer.

I could see by the look in his eyes that he knew I wasn't coming back.

I was the modern savage, a spiritual surfer, free as the wind, and a cage was no place for me.

My final moment of life would be with the ocean, not a Federal prison cell.


These first waves were colossal, bigger than I had ever seen, but the BIG BANGER was out there beyond these, rolling in like a fat bully.

It would be in the next set, I could feel it. I had felt it my whole life.


I headed out. My board cut into the water like an oiled fish. The sea was alive with the energy from the storm, somehow it knew that this was something different, and played in it's glory.

The wave crests sparkled like white diamonds, the water was a frothing bluish green, mixed with power. My lungs filled with cold air as I made it out past the big breakers, I could feel every atom of it as it filled my chest.


And then there it was. Like a rude awakening. It took the whole horizon, monstrous, massive, a silent black wall. It was wondrous Bro, like seeing death itself.

I smiled. I couldn't help it. Hell, I started laughing. It was surreal, like God had put himself into a wave and drove his essence along the sea.

I took one fleeting look back to the beach, and saw Australian Law Dogs, standing there useless and frustrated. Johnny Utah would understand this, but they would not.


Then it was on me. A mountain of water that blocked the light, I looked up as I started to ride the swell, and there was no sky anymore, nothing but black water and weight.


"Man I wish Roach was here to see this!" I screamed at the Big Banger. The true Big Banger, the one that would put an end to the spark of galactic dust known as BODHI. But Roach had seen it, had he not, as he bleed to death inside the plane? I think he did Amigo.

I didn't have to think about how to move, I just moved. I surrendered to it. My feet did their trick, the board did it's work, gravity and inertia did the rest. I rode that wave, a wave made by God's own breath, I rode it like a lightning bolt rides a cloud, the cold wind in my hair a loving caress, the board beneath one with my body, the waves power and mass cresting onto me, my heart pounding with joy as I rode liked a crazed Silver Surfer towards the end and into Oblivion.

I am so pumped!
http://www.inreview.com/attachment.php?s=&postid=604705
by Lt. Buff Henderson


I am so very pumped up right now and it's going to be the best chance to advance my career,

I will be captain before too long and I can not wait because I am star-fleet material for sure, always have been,

and I think that Kirk see's it,

because I was chosen for an away mission,

and I'm getting ready for it now,

I have my phaser and my tricorder and my fanny pack and my bulky communicator, and I have been to Starfleet Academy and they trained us good,

like how not to split up from the main group,

and how to watch out for salt sucking shapeshifters,

and how not to try to phaser any moving talking Rocks,

and if a guy shows up in a 17th century costume and talks all funny, and stands by a mirror, not to mess with him because he is a malevolent being,

about how to avoid time travel and if involved with a time travel, don't mess with nobody cause you could cause a disturbance in the space-time continuum,

about how to not mess with any good looking alien chicks, we leave that for the Captain,

and I'm very excited to go on this mission, because Kirk and McCoy and Spock are all going and one other guy with a red shirt like me,

we are going to beam down to the planet, and I can't wait to do my first away mission,

it is going to put my Starfleet career on the fast track,

I am going to prove myself to Captain Kirk,

and show him I am officer material.

Well, I have to go now, personal log out. Stardate 306431616949516blahblahblah61691354.8



Epilog: Captains Log: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v460/Whidden/Whidden%202/trek035_1.jpg

Lt. Buff Henderson died on the surface, killed by the M-5, a beligerant floating space probe launched by Nasa in the late 20th century. Also, it had melded with a starship attacking robot created by Dr. Daestrom, who had unwisely put some of his own brain synapsis onto the circuits. It was a DAMN shame, and no one saw it coming. ---Kirk out.

I got smoked.
http://www.inreview.com/attachment.php?s=&postid=604787
by Darth Sidious




The dark side of the force sucks. I'm kind of sorry I ever got mixed up with it. All the anger, the lying, the hatred. It seems to warm a soul at first, takes away the pain of life and overcomes the fears and anxiety's this old turd of a galaxy has to offer.

That's how it is at first, a power rush, an answered prayer. As a young Sith Lord, I became more and more powerful in the ways of the Dark Side, and I thought it would never end.

How full of it I was!!!

It was first explained to me as an energy field created by all living things, that surrounds us, and binds the galaxy together. I was cool with that. Sounded like New Age religion, and I could have cared less really, all I wanted was the aggression, and malevolence and the raw power that went with it.

Later, after much study, I find out all it really is, is low level organisms called midi-chlorians. Talk about a let down. It was like I was infected with something, rather than tuning into something. But by then, it was too late for me.

My path was chosen. A Sith Lord I was, and a Sith Lord I would remain.

Oh how I wish I had sought help in those days, just gave it all up and went to therapy, got some counseling, maybe some Lexipro or Xanax. It would have done me a world of good you know, if I could have just ended it all right there, before I took over the Galactic Senate and deceived Annie into killing all the Jedi.

Oh to have turned it all around, to have met a girl, maybe start a family. How sweet it would have been. I liked to play the guitar you know, had a knack for it. But I never pursued it, because I was too full of Hate and Fear and Anxiety.

And what would it have looked like for the Emperor of the Galaxy to play on the guitar like that, like some backwoods hillbilly on a banjo. I had to give up my dreams you see, and I paid the price. It hurts. A mental hurt to be sure, but just as painful as a broken leg or a laser blast to the gut.

When the end finally came, it was not a surprise. Young Skywalker and a band of rebel scum landed on the small moon of Endor and were trying to take out my Shield Generator. The audacity of the plan!!! I had to admire the courage of it on some level.

I can't believe it worked. I had an entire legion of my best troops protecting it. I sat on my cool *** throne, the one that swiveled, and was planning to watch the destruction of the Rebel Fleet from my oversized Death Star window.

Skywalker turned himself in, and was brought before me.

Of course I had for-seen that the son of Skywalker could be my undoing. But the future is always in motion, as Yoda would say, and I tried to make something else out of it. My little green friend wasn't always correct with his statements. I could still pull this cluster-mess out of the fire.

To tell the truth, I should have just flat out killed the boy when I had the chance, instead of trying to turn him to the dark side. But you must understand, I could feel the HATE flowing through him. His aggressive feelings. I fed off them, like a wookie on hemp.

He was ready to turn, like his father before him, I just knew it. Plus, I was so wrapped up in my own power and malevolence that I really didn't care anymore. I just wanted something to happen, anything. The years of wielding the Dark side had taken it's toll. I was losing myself, turning into something I didn't want to be.

I was cruel, and snappy, my fun loving side a thing of the past. I used to take long walks in parks, I smelled the flowers, I beheld the birds and the clouds and saw beauty in the world. When was the last time I had done something like that?

When was the last time I had brushed my teeth, or showered? I couldn't even remember.

So, sadly, I let them fight it out with light sabers, I thought that Lord Vader would lose, and my new apprentice, my younger apprentice, would take his fathers place by my side.

I was wrong.

The fight went as expected, till at the very end, when young Skywalker failed to finish the job. He looked down on his beaten father, and threw away his saber, and told me he was a jedi, like his father before.

I was quite pissed to tell the truth. Overcome with anger. I mumbled something like, "So be it, Jedi", then hit him with my force power.

All kinds of crazy electrical **** flew out my hands and started to electrocute the boy. And what fun it was!!!

I'd used the trick before, of course, several times. An unnatural art to be sure, but it creates quite a show, let me assure you.

"Young fool" I said. "Only now, at the end, do you understand."

I said it with cruelty, and it was some cold *** stuff to say, I know, but I was zoning, all wrapped up in the moment, lost in the power of the dark side.

I kept shocking the living fire out of young skywalker, just for fun.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v460/Whidden/Whidden%202/175px-Force_lightning.jpg

I stopped a moment for a recharge, then said, "And now young Skywalker, you WILL die."

Then I give it to him good you see. BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Blue whitish light flying all over the place. He was wriggling around the floor like a little worm, begging for his daddy to help him.

Thats when I got blindsided. Lord Vader took me up and tossed me into the main reactor core. I was so into the force power move, that I couldn't just turn it off. I was shocking myself there at the end, and Lord Vader and all points in between.

That **** was painful. I dont' think I ever felt so much pain. And it all came flooding back, all the evil deeds over the years, taking out Mace Windu, ordering the destruction of all Jedi, the assassination of my old master, the deceptions, the wars I created, the Death Star blowing up planets,

it all hit home in that moment as I fell, and man was it harsh, knowing all the crazy stuff I had done over the years, all the pain and suffering I had caused.

I fell like what felt forever till I hit the core, then I exploded into infinity screaming the whole way like a little girl. Not a very dignified way to go out. Nope.

But that's what the Dark Side has to offer, a life of pain and hardship, cruelty and a bitter disappointing end.


I think if I was in a position to help others, I would feel better about myself, and have more self esteem, and not be such a bully. The Dark Side was very overwhelming and enticing, but I would council young folks to stay away from it.

It's nothing but a life of cruel hatred and gummy black teeth, a life of being infected with dark side force organisms, a life of addictive vengeance, suffering, self pity. And I hope that the young people of the galaxy do not take the path I took, that they will learn from my mistakes.

http://members.cox.net/fuscia/beaker.jpg
(I went off the beaten path here and used something strange.)
Never let a bald man make shampoo- by Beaker

One lonely night again in the lab with my inept boss Dr. Bunson Honeydew. I was forced to take the job, due to my speech problem. I have the I.Q. of 165, but sadly when I speak, it only comes out as "meep", but I digress. Dr. Honeydew decided to try an experiment for self-rinsing shampoo. Having no hair himself, he was obsessed with the idea of hair care products.

"Beaker, go get the rocket fuel and add it to the mixture." said Dr. Honeydew

"meep! meep meep meeep!" I replied, but he was oblivious to the flaw in his plan.

I put the rocket fuel into the shampoo, and he placed it on my head. A burning feeling spread through my entire head. My hair was burning.

"MEEEP MEEEP ME ME MEE ME MEEEEEEEEEEP!" I cried, which, I must confess, I never normally use such language, but the pain was unbearable and cursing filled my mind and flowed from my tongue.

"Beaker stop runing around! You are ruining the suds!" cried Dr. Honeydew, the twit that he was.

Sadly, it took three months to grow back my hair. Workers Compensation is refusing to cover my claim as well. I blame that on trying to use a massage therapist, but once again I digress. Now it will not do anything but stick up like a troll doll. How I hate my boss.

http://members.cox.net/fuscia/voldemort.jpg

Banished from my evil body, I was forced to exist in the most horrible circumstances. Fortune smiled upon me the day that Stuttering Professor Quirrell crossed my path. Being of dull wit, he was quickly overcome by my evil genius. Soon I was under the turban and living on the back of his head.

Months passed at Hogwarts. The turban was hot and smelly. How I wished for a wand, and hands, to find a way to stop Quirrell from his incessant stumbling over the simplest things, but my evil genius mind was bent on stealing the sorcerer's stone. Ah the elixir of life, and who deserved it more than me? I Lord Voldemort the most powerful wizard of all times.

My few fond moments were when we went into the forest. Quirrell would slay innocent unicorns so that I might suck their blood. Having had an obsession, a closet one, with sucking things , I found this most enjoyable. If only Quirrell was not there stammering "Do you need sa sa sah salt with that m m mah master?" all the time.

At last we came to the area where the stone was kept. We passed all the enchantments that protected it, except one. Then I came face to face with the boy who robbed me of immortality. I was shocked to see that he was small and wore glasses. I had expected a God like visage much like myself when I had a body , but sadly he was merely a skinny little kid. Quirrell was no more able to force the Potter brat to reveal what he saw in the Mirror of Erised than he would be able to get rid of girl scouts intent on selling their sweet cookies, not that I er ever buy any, no. That would be too muggle like. Anyway, I revealed myself just in time to the potter boy. The turban stank of sweat , and I felt I would suffocate soon. How could the boy not desire power or the ability to rule the world? He was a sick little twisted money for not wanting what I had and will have again! Sadly, once again, I got my butt kicked by a kid. How could it be? I blame Quirrell, and killed him soon after. I was forced to flee for the time being. BUT someday, I will get Harry Potter, and HE will be at my mercy and someday, wizards will make their own cookies equal or superior to those dratted girl scout ones.

Letter of Reprimand

http://www.inreview.com/attachment.php?s=&postid=605388

by General Burkhalter





To: Col. Wilhelm Klink

From: General Burkhalter

Cc. Major Hochstetter, Gestapo Headquarters



Wilhelm,

it is with great sadness that I write you this letter of reprimand.

I see no point in glossing things over, or putting spin on an already ugly situation. If I may be perfectly blunt, Your command of Stalag 13 had been riddled with incompetence.

My staff has just completed a 3 month review of the camp, and found several oddities that need addressing. First, and foremost, there were over 110 Allied Prisoner escapes in that 3 months. Which is quite disturbing, considering that you brag to anyone you meet, that "there has never been an escape from Stalag 13!"

Unbelievable.

Your ineptness does not stop there, however, as several bugs were found in the camp, the most prominent in a picture of the Fuehrer hanging on your office wall. The prisoners were listening to you at will, with a coffee pot receiver in Col. Hogans' bunk. It turns out the very microphone in the picture of Herr Fuehrer was an actual listening device.

You would think that would be enough.

However, it seems that on several occasions, prisoners would make trips into Berlin, via a tunnel which exited out of a old stump outside the main fence. And on one occasion you actually danced with one of them in Berlin, a Sgt. Carter, who was dressed in female disguise, while a French prisoner, Cpl. Louis LeBeau watched on in disgust.


Your actions have caused embarrassment to the Nazi party, and brought disgrace to the men and woman of the German army.

Thus, I have no choice, but you reassign you to the Russian Front. I do not take this action lightly, and have discussed it with the Gestapo.

Major Hochstetter wanted you shot, but after much discussion, we thought the Russian Front to be the best course of action.

I wish you well in your new command, and hope that there are no hard feelings.


With kind regards,

General der Infantrie Albert Burkhalter, Hail Herr Fuehrer!!!

http://members.cox.net/fuscia/hagrid.jpg

So there I was en all. I was teachin me favorite subject at Hogwarts. Dumbledore, great man he is, gave me the teachin' position after the last professor retired. I wanted ter impress me students will a fantastic first lesson. So I decided on hippogriffs. Magnificent beasts they are. Well, it were all goin' fine en all. Harry, bless his soul, volunteered to ride BuckBeak, me hippogriff. Blimey dat boy can ride well as well as fly. He was like evil on a deatheater he were! So Harry lands, and as he's tellin me that I did a great job, that slimy Draco Malfoy goes up and insults Buckbeak. Well, I had to get in between em cause Buckbeak kicked his right sorry little arse for insultin him he did! Malfoy was on the ground moaning like a little girl, when it was only a flesh wound it were. I took him up to the hospital wing. I did happen ter bump his head on the banisters going up to the hospital wing, but he wet his pants that prat did. so I think that is why his father got involved. Heaven ferbid that his boy have a bruise on his head. It might mar his looks, Lucius thought. I hoped it would make a man out er him, but dat is not goin' ter happen. It might take a visit with Madame Hootch fer dat ter hap... oh I shouldn't hav written dat. Never mind.

Lucius Malfoy has to be the slimiest git that ever lived. Him with his pure blood fever. Why there's not a witch nor wizard who is pure anymore. I hear tell that his wife Narcissa got a special "friend" that is only a half blood, and they are tighter than Madame Hootches boots are. Er, well, Lucius has this meetin' called to decide the fate of Buckbeak. I tell them how Buckbeak is a good hippogriff, always cleans his feathers, and that Draco was too much of a pretty boy and the scars will help im' with the ladies it will. Lucius did not like dat one bit. SO he gave him the worst- Death! Blimey I love dat hippogriff.

The night fer the execution came. Harry, Ron and Hermione snuck down ter be with me. I thanked em fer wanting to support me and Buckbeak, but it were too dangerous for them to be on the grounds. That Sirius Black was loose and could come after Harry en all. They left just as Dumbledore, Fudge and the executioner showed up. We had a spot of tea, then the executioner was all gettin' excited to get on with it. Sick bugger dat he were. When he showed up, I thought it might be Madame Hootch out fer a date in Hogsmeade he were wearin' so much leather after all, but it was only that sick killer. We had ter sign the order of execution. Me tears were so large that it covered most of the page. Dumbledore had ter dry it with his wand. So we went out to the pumpkin patch. I felt dat Beaky deserved some fresh air fer his last night. He was securely tied up an all. Well Blimey but Beaky had escaped! Fudge was right angry, and the hippogriff killer were so mad he wacked inter a pumpkin' I was growin' fer the school. Buckbeak were free he were! It was like magic. I'll bet that Dumbledore set im' free.

Sometimes, I like ter think that Buckbeak is out there soarin over the clouds. That he will be meetin' a lady hippogriff an startin' a new family of them magical beasts. Someday, I hope he comes back ter see me. Blimey I miss him. I did send a package in his honor ter Lucius Malfoy. It was full of hippogriff dung in a jar marked "pure blood beauty cream".

I don't think people respect me.
http://www.inreview.com/attachment.php?s=&postid=605586

by Aquaman.


It's just a feeling I get sometimes, that I'm not really that good of a superhero.

When the other members of the justice league meet me in the hallway, things are cordial enough, but it's like they don't respect me.


Hard to put my finger on it, but there are little looks, and whispers, and sometimes the room gets kind of quiet when I enter. I guess, if I'm truthful, I never did fit in here.

When Superman interviewed me, he wanted a list of my "superpowers".

I was only able to come up with two. The ability to swim underwater, and the ability to brainwash fish into doing my will, via mental telepathy. I noticed a small twitch in the man of steels face, almost like a smirk, then it was gone.

He never said anything, but I think now that he was laughing at my superpowers.

I had a couple of chances to prove myself, and things went O.K, I guess, but man, it's like it wouldn't have mattered much if I had even been there or not.

Case in point. Some thugs took over a freighter and had a nuke, and were heading for New York City.

Well, there wasn't much I could do, but send some brain waves to a giant squid and have it attack the freighter. Because, like, what am I going to do? I could swim up to the ship, but that was about it.

So, the giant squid swum in and did it's thing, wrapped those tentacles all around the ship. The bad guys on it got scared and jumped into the water. The ship stopped, and the squid swam off.

Then Superman and Batman show up, and disable the nuke on the ship. Then Wonder Woman shows up in an invisible boat and starts talking trash.

"We are here now, Aqauman, you can swim on back to Justice League headquarters." she said.

Now, she always was a *****, you see, and I'm not the first to get one of her prissy little speeches, but it hurt man, hurt a lot. It was like they didn't even care that I was there.

When I got back to JL headquarters, it was all over Fox news that PETA was pissed off, and had filed a lawsuit against the superhero league, for the "willful and continued cruelty to sea life".

Nothing was said to me, afterwords, but I asked Batman, and he didn't act like it was that big of a deal, but I got the vibe that they were having to fight this lawsuit thing, and really, what was the point?

The next day, some bone headed sperm whale got mixed up and washed up on a beach in Norfolk, Virginian and I got the blame. The press was all over it, saying I had been messing with sea creatures and bending them to my will, and that it messed with their heads, and ****** up their brain waves and stuff.

Which, of course is total crap.

Whales been beaching since way before I came around. They can't lay that on my doorstep.

The green lantern tries to make me feel like I fit in and stuff. He gives me words of encouragement. He says he doesn't really have any powers, that it's all wrapped up in his ring. That without it, he would be nothing.

He says my powers are truly Mutant, and that I'm special.


But the final straw was yesterday.

Superman was taken out by some Kryptonite, and Batman was on the other side of the world. It was just me, Wonder Woman, and Robin, the boy wonder. This 50 story high monster was on an island off the Bahama's,

it had destroyed the small village there and entered the sea, heading for Florida.

It should have been my call, but I was never even Considered to lead the team. Robin started barking out orders, and Wonder Woman, who is afraid of Batman and what he might do when he got back,

listened to him and let him take command.

Now, why should I have to take orders from Robin, who is half my age, and still in freqin high school? It was an insult.

I walked out. Screw em! I had enough, this was just *******.

The sad thing of it was, Robin and Wonder Woman took care of it no problem. My little fit didn't prove a thing. They cruised over in her invisible boat, and took the monster out with a phase plasma rifle.

When Superman woke up and got his act together, he called me in the office and wrote me up. I signed it because I had no other choice. I can't afford to be fired.

Where would I go? What would I do?

So I signed it and got out of there. I'm going to just hang out and mind my own business, and collect my pay check and do what I'm told.

The Oracle is a terrible cook.
http://www.inreview.com/attachment.php?s=&postid=605841
By SERAPH



I protect that which matters most.

For many years, I have taken care of The Oracle, sometimes called the MOTHER of the matrix, an intuitive program who helps the people of Zion. As bodyguard, protector, guardian angel, I make sure that no harm befalls her.


I met Morpheus, Trinity and Neo in the buildings main lobby. "Come," I said. "Tonight, you will meet the Oracle".

"We have the met the Oracle many times before." replied Morpheus.

"No. You do not truly know someone until you eat a meal with them. Come, she's waiting." I hoped that my face did not betray my fear.


"If we are lucky, there will be a bowl of beans," I warned them in the elevator.

"And if we are unlucky?" asked Trinity.

I was silent a moment, then replied, "There will be many bowls."


We sat down to the table, and Oracle served us. The food was plentiful and all partook of it's bounty.

The beans were like bullets, the rice cast iron, the bread brass. I bit into a stringy chicken leg, and discovered an uncooked vein. The gravy was liquid lead. A bowl of potato's, plaster of paris.

The corn was burned, the stuffing too salty, the pie bitter Alkali.

I ate as I always eat, the stink of it corrupting my Gold code, the taste of it a Trojan horse. I looked up and saw the crew of the Nebuchadnezzar, their faces ashen, their forks twirling their food. (There were no spoons.)


Morpheus waited till Oracle was in the kitchen again, and confided to me, "I had rather be back in my pod, fed the liquefied remains of the dead."

Neo looked up, and said, "Woah. Downgrades!"

Trinity stared off into space, a silent wonder.

"The recipes are hidden in tumblers." I said. "One position opens a cooking program. Another position opens what we ate tonight."

"And she doesn't know?" asked Trinity, her mouth a grimace, her nose wrinkled in disgust.


"What pains me most is the exile, Sati." I answered.

"Oracle showed her how to bake cookies with LOVE. That poor little weather program doesn't have a clue.

Love don't cut it, when it comes to baking cookies. No matter how much love you put in them, it doesn't help when they taste like hockey pucks and are full of cigarette ashes."

(Oracle smokes while she cooks.)

Dude, that one was the best yet. But I am mad that you are cracking on the Oracle's cooking. Her cookie made Neo feel light as rain, remember?

M.

Dude, you are such a chump that I wasn't surprised you called her a weather program.

M.

Don't even think of messing with me.
http://www.inreview.com/attachment.php?s=&postid=606067

By Jack Bauer




I have killed 32 people in the last 5 hours, and I plan to kill a whole lot more before the day is over. If you even think of messing with me, or national security, or the United States in general, or if you give me some lip,

I will break the fingers on your hands, one at a time, till you talk. If you don't talk, I will put my gun in your mouth and yell a lot, then threaten to pull the trigger.

Cause I am bad*** to the extreme baby. I move at will, and if you stand in my way, you take a dirt nap. It don't matter if you are the head of a terrorist organization, or the ****** President of the United States. You go against me and you go down.

And hard.

I do what it takes to get the job done, if that means sending you into a building full of plague victims, I do it. If it means shooting my boss execution style, I do it. If it means shooting up heroin, so I can get closer to drug cartel kingpins, I do it.

It's all in a days work my friend.


I speak soft, and I act smooth, and I fly planes with nukes in them on suicide missions, then bail out at the last minute and let my irradiated boss take it on home instead. I am understanding, and loving, and I always do the right thing, unless you are in my way,

if you get in my way, we got a problem, the body count is gonna climb and it ain't gonna be me pushing up daisy's, no sir.


If you are my boss, and you stand in my way, you go down. I will shoot you with a sleep dart and incapacitate you, and just do what I want to do anyway. If you are in the government and try to assassinate me, I will fake my own death and loop it around on you.

If you are the Presidents wife, and try to back stab me, I will get all up in your face and let you get some personal word drama. Then I make sure you don't make it home.


If you are my friend and you try to stop me from leaving the building, I will break your ankle, knock you unconscious, and take your ride. Then later on, explain to you in a sweet gentle way, that it had to be done.

If you are my daughters boyfriend and you got a mutated virus with a timer device on it, and it's attached to your wrist with a slick bracelet thingy, I get an ax and I cut your hand off to save your life.

If you are the Secretary of Defense and no one can save you, all the paratroopers, and CIA, and Secret Service and bodyguards, and Green Berets, it don't matter, they can't do the job,

I cruise in with my .45 and I make short work of all the thugs keeping you hostage, and I take them out one by one with extreme prejudice, then you will know that it was me, Jack Bauer that saved your sorry ***.

Then President Palmer will call and thank me for the service I do, and give me a pat on the back, and I will feel so good, oh so good that someone understands who and what I am.


Cause I do what it takes. You see me coming, you step aside.

That Whidden kid is out of control!

http://www.inreview.com/attachment.php?s=&postid=608125

by Maria, postulant of Salzburg abbey




Oh how I love to sing! Tis the happiest sound in all the world!

I sing all day, walking in the mountains, with wild flowers as my road, their sparkling petals alive with the sun. I twirl and twirl, and dance alone in the fields, singing praises and smiling, laughing with the birds and the butterflies. Today I stopped along a bubbling brook, and spied a downy rabbit.

I sung to him of my favorite things, and he hopped along the stream, with the gentle wind blowing his fur in the sunlight, like a wheat field in heaven.


But as I stepped into the field that borders the Von Trapp estate, I came upon a most black hearted sight, full of mischief and thuggery. One of the Von Trapp children had two of his brethren cornered up a tree. And twas no surprise to me who the young ogre was!

Twas that hellion, Whidden-Von Trapp.

He is a fat little boy, vile and two faced, with dirty blond hair and a runny nose. When we first met, he put a frog in my dress pocket, then was offended when I accused him of it.

Me fears he is a Nazi. I'v seen the jack booted thug sending off secret telegrams, and I don't like the way he eye's my legs. Several times I have caught those pig like eyes scanning my form, he with a rueful, knowing smirk, sitting in a chair or lounging by a fountain.

Oh, How I wanted to wipe that smug look off his face, put my fist into this melon head and knock his *** flat out on the ground!
It would make such a satisfying crunch to break his nose and see him cry like the coward he is!

But the sisters at the convent do not take kindly to violence, so I had to restrain myself.


As I neared the tree, the other two came into view. Twas Gabo-Von Trapp and Sherry-Von Trapp. Both sat side by side on a large upper limp, their legs dangling.

Gabo was a bright faced little boy, fun of sunny cheer and good works, his blond hair accented his youthful good looks.

Sherry was pretty as a penny, thou me fears she is bit too saucy at times, and plays the tart while in town talking to the boys at church, but all in all a nice young lady, who will someday make a fine, pure and wholesome wife.

Whidden stood at the tree bottom, twas to fat to climb the tree, yelling up the rudest of insults and the most vulgar of threats!

I snuck up behind him, till I was about 4 feet away. With one foot firmly planted into the ground, I turned my body to a perfect 90, then lifted my other booted foot in a wide sweeping arc. The force of it hit Whidden in the nape of the neck, sending him into the tree with a sickly sounding thud.


Sherry and Gabo cheered, clapping there hands together, then we burst into song! We sang of butterflies and sunshine and green dewy fields, as Whidden-Von Trapp lay unconscious at the trees trunk, a purple blackish ooze running out his right ear.

He stirred, then found some kind of sentience, sat up and leaned his back to the trunk. "HEY! You guys SUCK!" he moaned.

Never in my life have I heard such vulgarity, even from the Captain, who is a naval officer and has heard some of the filthiest talk in all the world.

Sick with rage, I twirled, like a mad insane demon, and brought my fist down hard, into the side of his jaw. His well blubbered check was no defense against my force, and I heard the jaw snap with a cold satisfaction.

"That will be enough from you!" I said curtly. "Ye spawn of satan!"

Sherry and Gabo Von Trapp hopped down from the tree limb and we went off to a light brunch, and ate crumpets, Hazelnut Scones and Beer-Basted Sausage with Caramelized Onions. We sang songs as we ate and drank our milk, with the clouds hovering overhead like giant angels.

About time that Whidden-Von Trapp punk got what was coming to him

I feel sorry for whidden.

I feel sorry for that guy everyday. Not the kid Whid, the big Whid. His wife bullies him so much. Poor Whid.

M.

LMAO! Yep. Dave had to be one of my brother's in a past life. Grant, Sherry and Whidden Von Trapp. He passed the singing test too.

I am sure anything is better than that beating he got from Maria.

http://members.cox.net/sherryzod/plankton.jpg

Size does count- by Plankton

How long have I greedily lusted after the famed crabby patty? For as long as I can remember, since the time I drifted into Bikini Bottom. The fact that the patty is larger than myself does not daunt me. I like my buns bigger than life.

Then there is that imbecile pirate wanna be Mr. Crabs. He would squeeze his own mother dry for a penny. How I hate him with his big claws. ME! The evil genius , I don't even know what sex I am. I am helpless against the tide, and I don't even know what I will be. I might even be a stupid muscle when I grow up. I might reproduce asexually. *sniff Damn you Crabs with your superior size! You use your size to keep me from the secret recipe. I just want to eat man! *sob *sob *sob

I think these Bionic Implants might be Government Surplus.
http://www.inreview.com/attachment.php?s=&postid=608585

By Colonel Steve Austin.








To: Oscar Goldman, OSI Chief of Operations.

From: Colonel Steve Austin.

Cc: Jamie Summers, (the Bionic Woman)



Oscar,

What in the living hell is going on here?!?!?

I have been complaining about these Bionic Implants for 3 years now, and nothing has been done to rectify the situation.

Better, Faster, Stronger, my ***!

I don't know what dope smoking, 400 dollar hammer, Pentagon Government surplus fly by night operation you got these implants from, but I'm not seeing 6 million dollars worth of parts here Chief.

In fact, if I were to hazard a guess, I would bet you got this stuff from the Soviet Union.

For one thing, as I have told you several times in the past, these Bionic legs you put on me actually slow me down. It's like I'm running in ******* slow motion! Son of a ****, I was chasing this guy the other day, and it took FOREVER to catch up with him.

It was like I was running in quicksand.

The Bionic Arm you put on me, makes an irritating grating "eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh" sound, whenever I punch someone, and it's also slow as hell. They got all the time in the world to duck before that slow *** piece of **** arm of mine makes it to their head.

And the Bionic eye thing is NOT working. As I have explained to you, many times, the cross hairs are driving me crazy. Sure, it's neato to be able to see miles up ahead and all, but having stinking cross-hairs from a fregin gun sight scope on one of your eyeballs is irritating as hell. It's there while I eat, while I shower, while I watch t.v.

Distracting as all get out!

And thank the Dickens I don't have Bionic Hearing.

I was talking to Jamie, and she said that her Bionic Ear is sub-standard, that she could have done better with a generic hearing aid purchased in any drug store. She says when she homes in on people with her "super hearing", it makes this echo like sound that distorts everything, and that's it's real pisser!

And we just found out this last week that our implants are Nuclear powered.

Nuclear powered!!! What the ?????

Who in the hell came up with that? I got nuclear material in my system, powering these Bionic implants and you guys think this is acceptable? Maybe you think that having a radioactive slug less than 4 inches from my brain is just fine and dandy?

I guess you think that cancerous tumors, low white blood cell count, genetic mutation, blood protein damage and birth defects are worth the risk, huh?

WELL I DON"T!!!!


I want these things removed and something better put on, I expect an answer on this post haste.


---Steve

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v460/Whidden/Whidden%202/janeway.jpg

I want my own face back , by Wanda Smith.

To: ABC Television
From: Wanda Smith


I want my face back. The extreme makeover I received, courtesy of the ABC network, has made me look just like Captain Janeway from Star Trek Voyager.


This is totally unacceptable. I asked to look like Seven of Nine, which is something very very different from what I got.

I would have settled for the Borg Queens face. But Janeway!?!?

You people have ruined my life. No man wants me now. My lawyer will be in touch with you soon.

---Wanda

My mind meld with a Rock, did not go so well. By Spock
http://www.inreview.com/attachment.php?s=&postid=648491




Simple Logic required that I mind meld with the Horta, a silicon based life form the Enterprise encountered on Janus 4.



(((eh, I got nothing. Not in a writing mood today. It's too nice outside, I'm going to go out and watch birds. I will come back later someday and finish the story, but for now, I will let it sit. Got the idea for the story title, then filibustered out. ))))