What Voldemort was doing-spoiler/humor

Book 6: HP & the Half-Blood Prince Forum

O.K. we have been joking for a while so now there is this thread. Post what you think he was doing- a joke thread

Fortescue - His ice-cream is just too good. And he provided Potter with free sundaes. Time to take him out. But before that, I am sure Voldemort had Fortescue make him the most wonderful ice-cream ever. With the dark mark-shaped topping of course.

He took Nagini out of for a slither and now Nagini is laing eggs that will hatch half-Voldemorts. Later he developed an allergy to snakes and now hates them.

He wants Bellatrix to be his Dark Mistress (man that would be ugly).

M.

p.s. He has also developed a fondness for rap and now whenever he enters all the Death Eaters say 'The Dark Lordizzle mah shizzle in da house!!!'

Spending quality time with Nagini. You know, moonlite slithering, blood and rat pudding for candlelit dinners.

He is now collecting people. Olivander is now on a shelf. The first in his creepy little men collection. There is a spot reserved for Wormtail.

Voldemort was accidentally given U-No-Poo by a death eater. He spent the rest of the year in search of fiber.

From insider information, it was Lucius Malfoy who gave him U-No-Poo. That is why he is happily living in Azkaban.

Voldemort visited a nude beach in France during the summer.

M.

*shudders

He spent most of his time cursing muggles who asked him if Michael Jackson's doctor did his nose too.

He fed Lucius Malfoy a love potion.

M.

He heard about the magic of Viagra and had to stay inside until it wore off.

He spent the year working on lowering his voice and getting a proper MWHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Face it, his is just too girly.

Voldemort sent his DE to do his dirty work anf sits in a hamark with the icecream maker making him him icecreams all day.

Voldemort, being afraid of the dead, spent the year trying to create the perfect protective
















night light!

He spent the year trying to teach one of the death eaters parsletongue.. so that he would have someone to talk to.

Got bored one day and made a few inferi to keep around, because his Death Eaters just don't seem to understand his problems like they do. "We have things in common you know, and they listen so well! Don't you, George?" "Urrrrrg.." "It's so lonely being me..."

Spent the year looking for a body to upgrade to, his current one is SO last years fasion faux-pas. "Blue eyes would be nice... I've always wanted blue eyes, and is it too much to ask for some hair?"

He and Nagini were in couple's counselling all year. He spent the remainder of his free time trying to pass a law to make snake/evil lord marriages legal.

He was trying to get that popcorn kernal out of his teeth.. apparently he ran out of floss, and no one is selling to death eaters anymore...

Nagini dared him to look down at his nose, but because it was just slits and he cant see his nose hes been cross eyed all year

He's been on the back of Draco's head.. and living in the room of requirement all year when Draco wasn't around.

Lord Voldemort was spending his time partying with Paris Hilton and Nicky Hilton. He put her picture on his mirror.

Prince Harry from England was having miserable dreams about this door and him trying to get in it. When he told his father, his father said that Lord Voldemort was channeling his wishes to open Lindsay Lohan's bedroom while she is changing her clothes and prancing around nude.



One day Prince Harry fell off of his horse with a pain in his forehead from his scar. His father then says, "Son what is the matter?" Prince Harry then says, "I know the secret of my mother's death! THAT BUTLER SOLD MY MOTHER OVER TO THE DARK LORD!"

His Father then says, "Harry, listen please"

but Prince Harry had to continue with his anger, "YOU TRUSTED THE BUTLER, YOU TRUSTED THE BUTLER!"

His father laughs and says, "Harry, your mum died in a car accident. I thought you didn't believe in those stupid Harry Potter books any way. J.K. Rowling is a Welsh washerwoman. Come on son, let's celebrate your birthday with beer."

Harry then says to his father, "Father where did you learn how to speak Mermish?"

"Son, this barber taught me how to speak it. The language sounds like whales making love so I had to quit speaking the language because my mother thought I was mocking her voice."

The two men laughed gaily along the way to the castle.

oiey.. how creative..

How disrespecful ... thats my queen, Future king and brother of there my future, futre king your talking about ... and Diana was a brilliant woman ... Even in humour

He's been on tour as an opening act for Marilyn Manson.

Good one.

I would say that he IS Marilyn Manson.

M.

He was busy looking for Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq, and he even couldn't find them.

Been working on creating a huge Inferi conga line that will span the length of the Earth's equator. "Dance my lovelies. Dance!"

He's also been working on his back up plan: creating a dance song more terrifyingly popular and more annoyingly addicting then the Macarena ever was. The world's population will be intranced by it's horrific beauty. Chaos and blood shed will insue. Suicide rates will soar. (What he doesn't know is that it will also cause a small rift in the universe's space-time continuum, which will open up in his bathtub when the song hit's number one on music charts all over the world, unleashing the lost powers of Atlantis, and creating an endless loop of no hot water, soap in eyes and pruned skin upon the Dark Lord... well you get the point. Groundhog Day all over again. Mwahahaha...)

He's working towards creating a junior Death Eater camp for underprivileged, pureblooded, wizarding children, which should begin next summer. It's part of his "no deserving child left behind" policy. Plans are in in the work for having a workshop on the unforgivables, and at some point there will also be guest a speaker from Durmstang. "Empowering your evil side", "understanding your enemy" and "Harry Potter: myth or legend" are only a few of his planned lectures. There is also a controversial group session planned for troubled teens, broaching such sensitive subjects as "Dad is a pure-blood, Mom is a blood trator..." and "How will I know I am ready to except my Lord?"

*sniff* That Voldemort... He's such a philanthropist!

Great ones V.S.

He spent the year trying to create T-shirts to raise funds for the death eaters and their cause of world domination. Finalists included :

my dark lord is better than yours
better a death eater than dead
Pure bloods rule, the rest will die
Blood traitors, muggles and squibs will die

As you can see, they didn't sell more than a dozen.

He has been trying to perfect a recipe for snake stew.

Unfortunately, none of the death eaters is willing to try his cooking. They prefer cruciatus curse instead.

M.

He's been getting rid of warts from the bottom of his feet, he wouldnt mind then, but The death eaters have been making fun of him about them

He has been hiding from Bellatrix all year. She won't give him a moments peace, not even in the bathroom, so he went into hiding.

Yeah, she wants him to kiss her.

M.

You talking about me and Fuscia M? It would be like a son kissing a mother, cos thats around the age difference between use, maybe slightly less, bust still. shes just under 20 years older than me ... and i dont thin mr F would be very happy if Fuscia starts kissing other people

No dummy, Bellatrix wants Voldemort to kiss her.

M.

Ohhh good good ... I think he doesnt know how to

I dont think even Volde would smoke this stuff ... He would need to fly into a few bamboo blades ... (Bamboo is a grass)

Panda is puffing on bamboo alright.

I bet he supplied Voldemort too.

Now Voldemort is making all his death eaters get high on it too.

M.

Yea, this bamboo is some strong stuff

I don't know about last year, but currently Voldemort has just finished working his way through Book 6, and is now secretly lurking about on the INreview HBP board.

He still can't believe Snape was the HBP, but he totally expected his betrayal and Dumbledore's death. *background mumbles* Eh? Hold on a sec.... *mumbles* Alright then... He would also like me to add that he knows where the other Horcruxes are, but obviously he's not telling. :P Oh, um and also that his favorite character in the series is Lord Voldemort, and that he's already spoken to JK and says that he lives in the end, kills Potter and everyone in the Order, and rules the wizarding world with an iron fist *mumbles* excuse me, make that an extremely heavy, stainless steel, diamond plated, spell reinforced, fist. *mumbles* and wears a beautiful crown of gold and rubies *grumbles* sorry, sorry... a masculine scepter of silver and emeralds. Either way I say it sounds tacky. *evil eyes* Well it does...

*killing curse insues*

Hey look, I have lightning bolt on my bum!

That was awesome V.S.

Voldemort bought some edible Dark Marks from Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes and fed them to his Death Eaters. Now everyone is sick, even Nagini.

M.

In an act of desperation all those years ago, he put a horcrux into a maraca. When he was vanquished from his body, it was found by a touring mariachi band. He spent the year drinking Tequila and looking for his shaking soul.

His Death Eaters found him wearing a frilly pink bow on his head and Wormtail 'accidentally' put a permanent sticking charm on it. He is trying to find a way to remove it, and everyone has started calling him Pink Lord instead.

M.

He spent the year watching dementors breed. Unfortunately, his desire to have more dementors terrorizing people really made his hair frizzy, so he had to stay indoors.