Marrying in the Family
Biology Disputes Taboos Surrounding 'Kissing Cousins'
ABC - 20/20
By John Stossel
Everyone wants to fall in love; it's the stuff of movies, songs and dreams. But what if you fall in love with your cousin?
For one couple, romance bloomed among two cousins who met as adults after a 20 year absence.
"We ran into each other, at a family reunion," Christie Smith told ABCNEWS. "And we just struck it off."
Smith said marrying her cousin Mark brought concerns.
"It was very scary, at first. I thought that it was something that was very wrong," said Smith.
Einstein Kissed His Cuz
Cousins who fall in love have a right to voice concerns. After all, marrying a cousin just isn't done, right?
At least that's what we're taught to believe. Only primitive people who live in isolated places marry cousins, and it's dangerous and leads to creating stupid children.
Or does it? A new study reveals the genetic risks associated with this type of pairing are not as great as once believed.
And consider this — Albert Einstein's parents were cousins, and he married his cousin, too. FDR and Eleanor Roosevelt were second cousins, so were Prince Albert and Queen Victoria and former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani was briefly married to a second cousin.
In America, marrying your cousin is legally allowed in 26 states and every year about 200,000 cousins wed. Worldwide, it's much more common — 20 percent of all married couples are cousins. In some Middle Eastern countries, almost half of all marriages are to cousins.
Those Who Say ‘I Do’
But in America, cousins who find love also find public resistance.
"The overbearing concept is that, you know, 'cousins can't get married,' " said Brian Wagner, who has been married to his cousin Caren for 12 years. His dad and his wife's mom are brother and sister.
"Some people see it as 'inbreeding,' or, you know, 'incest,' or something terrible like that," said Wagner.
Caren said she didn't plan on their shared future, although her mom noticed they always liked each other.
"They played together, they fought over toys together. And they just had a happy good relationship as kids will," said Pat Bradfield. "They were real kissin' cousins."
They initially grew up in the same area, but Brian's family then moved away. Years later when Caren decided to visit, their lives changed.
"When she showed up at the airport terminal and come off the plane, it's just like everything came rushing back again," said Brian.
"It developed beyond a 'friendship,' into a 'OK, do you want to get married this weekend or next?' " said Caren.
Her mom says the idea "floored" her a bit, but since she couldn't stop the marriage she was leery of voicing opposition in fear of losing contact with her daughter. Instead, she offered some advice.
"In a marriage such as you're contemplating, you have to remember that you could divorce your husband but you can't divorce the whole family," said Pat.
They did lose one friend who, Caren said, they just didn't hear from anymore after they announced their union.
Legality of the Marriage
Twenty-four states still forbid cousin marriages. The United States is the only western country in the world where these laws still exist. "A lot of these laws have been on the books forever and they have just not gotten changed," said Brian.
The laws date back hundreds of years to the time when the Catholic Church campaigned against cousin marriages because in the Bible Leviticus says, "none of you shall approach to any that is near of kin."
Regardless, Caren and Brian had a church wedding in Virginia, one of 26 states where cousin marriage is legal. "We talked to our minister … and he knew and he didn't have an issue with marrying us," said Brian.
Biological Implications
One of the reasons cousin marriage is taboo, is the assumption they will have kids with birth defects.
But a new groundbreaking study funded by the National Society of Genetic Counselors revealed that some beliefs about cousin marriage are unfounded.
Robin Bennett, who headed the study, told ABCNEWS the risks of having a child with a cousin are about "2 to 3 percent" above the average population's risk for having a child with birth defects or mental retardation.
She says while there are risks, they're "not as bad" as people perceive. Other risk factors are higher. For example, there's a 10 percent chance that a 41-year-old woman will give birth to kids with chromosomal defects.
If one parent has a genetic disease, like Huntington's, they have a 50 percent chance of passing it on. Bennett gives parents the risks but would not tell them not to have kids. She advocates that cousins who are romantically involved have genetic counseling before they're pregnant.
Brian and Caren went for counseling, and were told the risk for birth defects was low, but their kids might have asthma which runs in the family.
They now have two boys, ages 12 and 8, and both have asthma. But they don't think twice about their parents being cousins. They're also at the top of their classes in school.
The rest of the family has come around and say they couldn't be happier with how things have worked out. Ultimately, Caren and Brian say it may have been their family connection that led them to fall in love.
"We could communicate," said Brian. "We had the same values, as far as raising children … It's a match."
Yeah... that's what I was thinking. My counsins are not people that I like to be around... even during holidays. So, I could never picture being married to one of them.
I have all boy cousins and we used to play kiss chasie with the kids in the street and if I caught them they got kissed just like everyone else and vice versa. Mind you, we were like 8 years old at the time, so I don't know if that counts.
I read a story about two people who met at a party and they fell in love, got married and had a daughter and later found out that they were brother and sister. The mother had given the son up for adoption years earlier, then had the girl and kept her, never even thinking to tell either of them. The guy didn't even know he was adopted.
They had to get divorced, but they still live together, they dont have sex or anything, in sperate bedrooms and all that, they live as brother and sister now. But they act as mother and father to the child they had. How do you explain that to your kids when they grow up??
Cousin love is not wrong...i'm embarrased to admit it but I am in very deep love with my male cousin. Love is a feeling not a decision, and i feel so much love for him. I would die for him...but all i could think about is if he would ever feel the same way. I'm afraid that i will never have a happy ending.
fantasystar0822 said this in post #18 : Love is a feeling not a decision,
I see nothing wrong with cousin-love to a point. I mean there's not going to be babies born with hooves and horns no matter what you think. The bloodline similarity is pretty diluted between cousins. It's just a bit odd to marry someone who shares the same grandparents as you.
But allowing cousin-love begs the question where do you draw the line? If "love is a feeling not a decision" does that make it right for you to love your uncle/ aunt or nephew/ neice? Then it goes up a level: Grandparents? Parents? Brothers/ Sisters?
I had a friend whose parents were cousins. Ugliest friend i've ever had... but nice enough and quite smart... just... ugly. Is that because of her parents being related? I dunno; I doubt it, but it could be. Sure, there's less chance of cousins having deformed babies than, let's say, siblings, but the risk is still there.
Sharing the same grandparents means out of your 4 roots, half of them are identical. It's not the same as sharing both parents, or even a single parent, but say your parents are brothers. Twins, even. You're still cousins, is there a risk? Your parents are twins, almost identical in nature... is that dangerous to your kids? That aside, in many cases cousins can look similar. Does this mean they have a similar blood within them? The mixing of similar genes couldn't be particularly safe, as was mentioned. And what if the similarities were not obvious?
I think it's typical for someone to fall into puppy love with their cousin, it's understandable. In a lot of cases it may be the only real contact you'll have with the opposite sex up until a certain age. It's similar to having feelings for your father or Uncle Hank (or whoever)... but a certain point I feel the reality of the situation should be considered.
Okay, I've just blurted out stuff and not considered any of it or put it into some sort of reasonable structure... but there you have it...
gaboman said this in post #20 : I think it's typical for someone to fall into puppy love with their cousin, it's understandable. In a lot of cases it may be the only real contact you'll have with the opposite sex up until a certain age. It's similar to having feelings for your father or Uncle Hank (or whoever)... but a certain point I feel the reality of the situation should be considered.
I think that's a really valid point Grant. I had no brothers and my dad wasn't around, only my cousins who were all boys, so my learning about the differences between boys and girls came mainly from interaction with my cousins. So I had a crush on the one who is closest to my age, but when I realised what it was all about it was all Ewwwwwww.
I have family members who are cousins and are "seeing" each other - I think it's twisted, but at the same time I try to have an open mind. I've been aware of the genetic support of such relations for some time ("new study? my arse, this informaiton has been out in the scientific community for quite some time - funny how when a mainstream reporter gets wind of it, suddenly it's "all new and exciting!" Talk about intellectual genetic deficiencies..), but that still doesn't make the strange feeling go away that there's something inherently wrong with it.
Animals do this crap all the time too. I've seen a cat give birth to a litter and one of the kittens knocking mom up later.
I guess I've always had the gut feeling that "family" is close and supportive, but not lovers. Cross-family joining is "healthier" (fiction? we wouldn't have known this without recent advances in genetic analysis) and promotes cross-family ties that unites larger groups of people together in peace.
And what if the cousins have no intention of even having children as is the case with my family members? I have to ask myself, "where's the problem with finding someone who knows you, accepts you, loves you unconditionally, will never harm you, and that you can trust.. but who just happens to have a common relative?" Ultimately I always come up with the same response, "I don't know, but it's still creepy!"
With all the fish in the sea, can't you land ANY that don't have the same last name!? Gack!
The way I see it, family is family, step, foster, in-law or otherwise. Why does anyone feel compelled to pursue family members romantically. I think it's disgusting. It's the epitome of trashiness to discover the love of your life at a family gathering.
What if you were dating BEFORE you became step-brother and step-sister? or foster-brother/ sister? Should you break up just because your parents are getting married?
for the people who say:I think it's typical for someone to fall into puppy love with their cousin, it's understandable. In a lot of cases it may be the only real contact you'll have with the opposite sex up until a certain age. It's similar to having feelings for your father or Uncle Hank (or whoever)..." ITS NOT PUPPY LOVE. I've always hated that saying. I mean, i wouldnt even want to go out with other boys in my grade...(dating in school is puppy love)..
schmiggens said this in post #25 : What if you were dating BEFORE you became step-brother and step-sister? or foster-brother/ sister? Should you break up just because your parents are getting married?
quote:
chodder said this in post #26 : The situation you just said is highly unlikely to happen. If it did, well then... family is family...
I actually got that off a TV series where it did happen to some characters. They broke up and let their mum and dad get married.
quote:
fantasystar0822 said this in post #27 : for the people who say:I think it's typical for someone to fall into puppy love with their cousin, it's understandable. ...
ITS NOT PUPPY LOVE. I've always hated that saying. I mean, i wouldnt even want to go out with other boys in my grade...(dating in school is puppy love)..
I assume your are in your teens then if you're talking about people in your grade.
All dating in your teens is puppy love. Whether it's your cousin or people in your class.
pretty soon if homosexual marriage is "adopted" as a "civil rights" issue....
We'll be having blood brothers and sisters, blood brothers, blood sisters, mommy and son, mommy and daughter, daddy and son, daddy and daughter...the list is ad nauseum...beating down the doors for a marriage license.
What would stop them? Their civil rights are being violated. They should be able to marry someone they love, shouldn't they? Evil backward hate-mongering Christians they will cry.
Incest is not legal you say? Neither was sodomy. They will be attacking our court system, trying to legislate incest just like the other group crying, "my civil rights are being violated, wah!" did.
The same feeling that most of you described in this discussion of incest--icky, pukey, etc.... the majority of Americans still feel this same revulsion when discussing homosexuality. All the dressing up of homosexuality and incest will not make it more palatable.
sowhatsthetruth said this in post #31 : .. the majority of Americans still feel this same revulsion when discussing homosexuality. All the dressing up of homosexuality and incest will not make it more palatable..
What's "palatable" to the majority of Americans is their business. They decide what to do with their lives and if they decide that those things are not for them, then more power to them. I think they've made the right choice. It's the same choice that I've made.
Where I differ from you is that I don't believe that what's palatable to me or anyone should have any bearing on what someone else decides to do with their own life. Be it drugs, be it suicide; pornography, incest, sexual preference, self-mutiliation, grooming habits - all these things are personal choices the neither you, I, nor anyone else's level of "palatability" has ANY business whatsoever in their lives.
Good lord, people what in the hell are you talking about.....
blood brothers and sisters, blood brothers, blood sisters, mommy and son, mommy and daughter, daddy and son, daddy and daughter...
Yewwwwwwww..........
What if you were dating BEFORE you became step-brother and step-sister? or foster-brother/ sister? Should you break up just because your parents are getting married?
They can all marry each other, according to the following scheme:
DAD <--> MOM <---> SON <---> DAUGHTER
^-----------^----------^---------------^
And live all together as a big happy family where everybody virtually loves each other as a lover, parent, kid, brother and sister. Imagine yourself the passion accompanying such relationship.
A man marries a woman. She gives birth to 3 girls and 3 boys. When they grow up, parents divorce, dad marries his daughter, has another one as a mistress, while the third daughter marries one of the brothers, being periodically loved by another brother who also married mother.... As you can see, if we become truly open-minded we will have an ocean of possibilities on how to build our personal lives.
Oh and homosexuality would add some more choices. Rock on, brothers and sisters. The future is already knocking at the door.
great googly moogly