A Soapbox Rant About the Plight of Divorced Fathers

Culture & Society Forum

Every once in a while you hear about some nut snapping after losing his job, then going on a rampage by opening fire on coworkers and employer before capping his ex-wife and sometimes their children in the process, before turning the gun on himself.

It’s always branded in the media as a tragedy delivered by the hands of a man on edge. Often the only insight into the motivation of the gunman is alcohol or drug abusive tendencies and “stress”; normally derived from comments of the victims’ families. (The term “stress” is rarely elaborated on.) Rarely is there any insight given to the severe pressure that is put upon the assailant by the courts in regard to divorce, custody, visitation, child support, attorney fees, court fees and everything that encompasses the process of dissolving a marriage involving children.

It should come as no surprise to men who are working middle class divorced fathers that the court system favors the mother in custody cases. Even with the best intentions of fathers, they can expect that after the smoke clears from a bitter divorce, they’ll pay over 60% of the cost for raising their kid(s), while spending average of about 40% or less out of the year with their kid(s) that were once seen on a daily basis.

Add onto this pressure, if the father is the primary breadwinner, the court requiring him to pay the wife’s attorney fees, on top of his own attorney fees (averaging between $1000 to $5000, per attorney if the divorce is settled relatively quickly) and court costs. Should a father choose to fight for soul or joint custody with an uncooperative wife, he can expect to pay an additional $10,000 (in Florida) for a psychological evaluation mandated by the courts to determine that either the other parent is unfit for soul primary custody or that both parents are fit for joint shared custody.

After already sinking thousands of dollars into the dissolution of a marriage and fighting to spend time with his kid(s), the divorced father finds himself renting an apartment (or living with relatives) and paying a separate set of bills for his own living expenses in addition to kicking back a considerable amount of his paycheck to care for the kid(s) that he rarely sees. It should go without saying that this kind of personal turmoil brings about an immense amount of stress that effects his daily life, as well as his work performance.

Most employers and staff managers are sympathetic to the plight of a recently divorced parent. However corporate policy regarding allotted sick and personal days combined with waning compassion for tardiness sometimes prompt management to relieve the divorced father of their employment responsibility. It is this crucial moment in the already volatile life of the divorced father that those rare few snap and take a devastatingly destructive road…

For other divorced fathers, they pick up and try again. They try to maintain a living lucrative enough to support their offspring, while maintaining themselves in life according to the swelled cost of living in today’s society. They save their pennies, pinching to finance a special vacation with the kid(s) or an investigation that will prove that that their ex is not fit to hold soul custody or in the very least, should share joint custody. All the while trying to move on with their lives, hoping that there might be someone, somewhere, willing to accept not only their faults as a person but their plight as being a divorced father with children. They hope that their children, the most important component in their lives, will not serve as a deterrent to potential mates. For many divorced fathers, this is a very real part of day-to-day life.

The lesson to be learned to potential husbands and fathers everywhere, is that in today’s world, it is wise to have a prenuptial agreement not only for the termination of a marriage, but for the sharing of time and responsibility in regard to children from that marriage. Rarely without the expertise and expense of a high profile family attorney, can a working class father gain an advantage in today’s family court.

A lesson all too hard for anyone to learn from, a little compassion is needed in our society today, alot of things are very backwards. Good post however, very true.

Thanks guys for taking the time to read it, I know it's long winded.
I wrote it last night in a fit of rage due to how the system is jerking around my boyfriend. His ex is derranged and has repeatedly threatened to keep their daughter from him. She wouldn't let him see her for a total of 4 1/2 months last year. The first time is was 1 1/2 month straight and then 3 months straight. She tried to have a restraining order put on him to keep him from their daughter, saying he was threatening her...when in actuality he was merely threatening to take her to court if she didn't allow him access to his own child. (Not unreasonable) Now it looks as though that he'll get 2 weekends a month with her, in addition to 2 hours a week. So 4 days and 8 hours a month while having to pay her $648 in child support. Tell me how in hell is that fair?!?

My boss in a horrible situation with his wife. They were married for about 8 years and throughout that time she drank more and more until he finally left her when their daughter was about 5.

She has non-stop given him the run around about everything ever since the day he left, before they got married he was very upperclass, had his own home, own business, half a dozen investment properties, two cars, a yacht, a motorbike, numerous share portfolios, etc, etc, etc.

Now? He rents a home, which he shares with students to help pay the rent, has only his (second hand) car and a few shares here and there. He only just managed to stop her taking the business. She even managed to get half of his Superannuation (I think in America Superannuation is called a 300K Fund or something). He also got stuck with paying all the daughter's private school fees for the rest of her school life and paying monthly maintenance to the ex-wife.

She accuses him of physically and mentally absing their daughter (who is the most spoilt little rich girl you can ever imagine, being "daddy's little girl" and all that), even when she is the one who constantly tells their daughter that she is a stupid fat cow and that her father doesn't love her.

She has stopped my boss from seeing the girl for over six months, but still insisted he pay the girls school fees and maintenace and whenever their daughter needed money, she rang the father even though he was not allowed to see her.

And that is just scraping the top of the barrel, she is the most vindictive ex-wife I have ever had the disfortune of meeting and I really do feel sorry for a lot of fathers who are in similar positions. Children are not pawns to be used by the poarents to get "one up" on each other. It's dusgusting.

Thankfully for me, my parents had a very amicable divorce and no problems and are still friends. If only everyone could have that.

Schmiggens, I'm so sorry for your boss. It's a shame that when people fall in love they don't think about it turning sour and therefore often don't protect their interests before taking their vows. Though a lot of people think a prenuptual agreement is a romance killer, (I used to be one of them) I think in this day and age with the short life spans of marriage, it's an absolute neccessity.
If your boss had a prenup, then anything he had before the marriage might have been off limits to the insane ex. It's really a tragedy that men get this kind of raw deal. Divorce turns some women into greedy you-know-what's. The real tragic part in it all though is that the children are the ones who really suffer from it.