Best Comedians

Arts & Entertainment Forum

I think the best stand up comic hasto be hands down, George Carlin. He's innovative, constantly changing his material and has a tough of Hippie. Anyone else have a favorite?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Can a stupid person be a smart-a$$?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets are not going as ghosts but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

20. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

21. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

22. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

24. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

25. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

27. How is it possible to have a civil war?

28. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

29. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

30. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

31. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

32. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

33. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

34. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

36. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Chel... you're cracking me up!!!

My favorite comedianne is Ellen Degeneres. She's funny, and I love her facial expressions when she's telling a joke. And, she keeps her stage acts clean. I have her HBO shows taped, and I love watching them!!

George Carlin is funny as hell too... but, he's really lewd!! I can watch him, but I have to be in a really rowdy mood.

Chel, I LOVE George! He is so funny. I like his bit where he talks about rounding up all the druggies, childmolesters, robbers, and murderers and putting them in the square states.

Eddie Murphy. He did some great stand-up back in the day.

I like watching comedy central when they have hours of stand up If you are in a sad or bad mood it picks ya right up!

I saw a really funny lady on there not long ago...

http://www.elvirakurt.com

Oh man, Dane Cook! He rules!! He's got a wacky side to him like Jim Carrey, but he is much more smooth in his approach. He has sound FX too! And he's really animated. He purposely over exaggerates everything to make it more funny and it works every time, He makes jokes out of things you had no idea could be so funny. He's the first comic that I've seen who can make a lame joke funny, and keep the same joke funny long after it should have died out. You'll see what I mean.

The name, again, DANE COOK.

Yeah Eddie Murphy did some great stand up, get Delirious out on video, if you haven't seen it yet. HILARIOUS.

I also like Robin Williams. Sometimes he is too much for me to handle, other times I get so caught up in it I nearly pee myself.

I like Raw more than Delirious, but both are hilarious. Eddie Murphy was at his prime then, no doubt about it Other good comedians in the same vein (the vein being hilarious black men) are Richard Prior and Bill Cosby (He was hilarious, and not crude, but not really ever as funny as the other 2)

I also like myself some Benny Hill at times though I can see why people didn't like him, but did you guys know he used a live band for every one of his shows? I always find that so cool. Oh and he is funny too.

There's an Australian comedian I liked a while ago, but i can't remember his name (he's dead now...) but he had the kookiest sense of humor, and never failed to crack me up. In one sketch he wrote and acted in, a mother's walking through the woods crying "my baby, where's my baby?" and it cuts to a scene with a little girl meeting Frankenstein's monster in the woods (too), "Hello, what's your name", back to the mother "my baby, where's my baby", back to the little girl and the monster, having a tea party together, "would you like some tea" she asks, back to the mother "my baby, where's my baby" back to girl and monster, "you look funny" she says (or something like that), the mother "my baby, where's my baby" and she sees them together... she runs up to them crying "my baby!"... runs to them... then... grabs the little girl, and walks off... then she turns to the screen and says "okay, be honest, who thought I was looking for him" - can't believe I fell for that one...

Wonder Bread (just kidding)

I loved Eddie in those early shows. My favorite was the gay guys on the police cars in San Francisco!!! Too dang funny.

I meant prime as being "the most active, thriving, or successful stage or period" in Mr Murphy's life.

I know what you mean though, he looks a little more mature, but he doesn't exactly look OLDER does he? hmmm....

If only he could do stand up like in Raw and Delerious again I like his "My manager was like, "hey, Michael Jackson is mad at you" I was like "So?""

Actually, there's not a second of that show I don't crack up...

Chel... this is just for you! I got this in an e mail today:

HOW TO STAY YOUNG by George Carlin

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends.. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.
Never let the brain be idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,
improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Dana Carvey's pretty funny, when he's not doing the Church Lady, President Bush, or Arnold impressions.

Benny Hill is the sh*t. His face cracks me up. Plus he has excelent casting in his women.

Norm MacDonald was a great Weekend Update on SNL. Favorite line "Magic Johnson was hit by a car this week. Johnson described it as the WORST thing to ever happen to him."

I like all the comedians from Jeff Foxworthy's Blue Collar Tour. Funny!!!

All those jokes and that how to stay young thing are probably not by George Carlin. They aren't really his style. There are a lot of these things around the internet attributed to mr Carlin, but most of them are not by him.

He has a page on his website telling people not to believe that everything on the net with his name on it was actually written by him. Click here to be enlightened about the subject. Warning: if you are offended by foul language you might want to stay away from mr Carlin's site.

And to stay on topic, George Carlin is one the best comedians around. Robin Williams can be very funny too. And Bill Hicks wasn't too bad either.

I saw Dane Cook recently at Paris casino in Vegas - he was KILLER!! Great physical humor, fast paced. I heard a tape of his and it didn't do him justice - you have to see him in person!!!

I like Jamie Fox . his 1st stand up for HBO was In The Foxhole . he was at his absolute funniest . I sorta side with the raunchy comedians to that effect i also love most of the comedians that were on the HBO series Def Comedy Jam . people like Bernie Mack , Adel Givens ,J Anthonie Brown , and many others but my all time favorite would be (beside Redd Foxx) Martin Lawrence he puts me in tears on a consistent basis .

Anyone remember Sam Kinnison? He used to make me roll!

Okay, as yet no-one has mentioned Eddie Izzard! Admitedly, I don't know how big he is in the states, but I think that he is one of the funniest people alive! His Definite Article and Glorious videos are some of the funniest stand up around!

I also think that Bill Hicks is great! I love the way that if he didn't agree with something, or he had a particularly strong view he was not afraid to say it! He was also a dirty B@st@rd (in particular the 'let me waer you like a feedbag' incedent!)

Dane Cook
George Carlin
Jim Carey

I love watching Billy Connoly it isnt just a Scottish conection thing the guy is genuinely very funny but very rude. I like him because insted of relying on the one liners he tells stories that are mostly true and that just crack you up.
I remeber one of the funny one liners he did Never trust a man that when left alone in a room with a tea cosy does not try it on.

Hell yeah! How could I forget the Godfather of Comedy! The Big Yin is beyond a doubt the best Comedian in the world (closely followed by Eddie, of course) :-)

Dave Chapelle is hilarious

<STORY REMOVED - THIS IS THE THREAD FOR COMEDIANS, NOT YOUR STORIES, AND YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN WARNED ABOUT THOSE>

<STORY REMOVED - THIS IS THE THREAD FOR COMEDIANS, NOT YOUR STORIES, AND YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN WARNED ABOUT THOSE>

What eva, this is a thread fo Comedians yea right. ya'll ain't even funny anyways!!! LOL

If you would like to discuss about that topic, feel free.
Otherwise, post your stories where they are appropriate.

In his heyday, Richard Pryor was the best. He broke new ground for almost all of today's comedians. His movies were mostly crap, and you can say that about almost all comedians, even Bob Hope.

I really liked Richard Pryor. My favourite one was a bit lame, but I stil laugh when I see it. See No Evil, Hear No Evil (at least I think it was called that).

Richard was a funny comedian... dirty, but funny!

I'm still an Ellen Degeneres fan... she's my #1.

Oh no you've gotta see Richard Pryor's stand-up stuff schmiggens, it's hilarious (but a bit rude)

though I like that movie too

Probably nobody in the states will know who this is but I think Peter Kay is so hillarious. He's huge over here especially in the north of england. I also love Ricky Gervais even though The Offive makes me cringe so bad. It's really hard to watch, I'm so embarrased for him but it's just so funny.